#1
c4c as usual .its my first attempt to write a poem . so plz tell me if i suck at it even then i will still return crit

Words and ghosts disappear
after leaving mark on brain
sea fills, all white clouds
before it starts to rain

Along the water drainining away
her pearls of eye's are flowing away
all the words locked in phrases
are haunting mind ,but cant find places


hiding is an art ,of not to be seen
so you cant go to places,
where you have been
since love and hurt, are one and the same
i think its better.
if you stand here in rain
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Feb 22, 2007,
#4
Quote by abhishek21
its my first attempt to write a poem . so plz tell me if i suck at it

Words and ghosts disappear
after leaving mark on brain
sea fills, all white clouds
before it starts to rain
I don't get the 'sea fills, all white clouds'. If it's before the rain, why is the sea filling? Also I can't see the relation between the first two lines and the next two. In stanzas, try to keep to a point, then use different imagery in another stanza. I get the impression that you wanted a rhyme with 'brain'. Remember in poetry you don't have to be confined to rhyming, try half rhymes or even a different scheme if you're having trouble.

Along the water drainining away
her pearls of eye's are flowing away
all the words locked in phrases
are haunting mind ,but cant find places
I'm not sure on the reuse of 'Away' in the first two lines. After trying hard with the previous stanza you could have attempted to keep the same rhyming scheme though. But this provides a good example of not having to keep to an 'ABAB' or 'ABCB' scheme. You've kept with the theme of water, along with tying the link to the sea with 'pearls of eyes'. But still, you seem to be dancing with the idea of water, and then a happening, giving the impression of two seperate subjects, making the stanza appear cluttered.

hiding is an art ,of not to be seen
so you cant go to places,
where you have been
since love and hurt, are one and the same
i think its better.
if you stand here in rain
Again, I fail to see the connection between the water and your event. Why is someone in the rain in the first place? What did the rest of the stanzas have to do with this final one? If you had related them all some more I think it would have improved the overall piece.

Overall, it's not bad, but there's a lot of room for improvement. Next time you write, keep the ideas flowing smoothly, rather than cramming all into three stanzas. Try exploring with line length, syllables and amount of stanzas. Don't feel pressured about rhyming, if you get really stuck try rhymezone.com, or better yet, find a way around it. An extra line, a different rhyme order, all that can help.
But keep trying, believe me writing does become better with practice.


~Dinky
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#5
I hope you don't mind if I do this one as opposed to the other one. I figured you'd rather have this one looked at. I'd be glad to do both, though, if you'd like.

Words and ghosts disappear
Try to use a stronger verb than dissappear. You need to give us more description as to how they dissappear, it's kind of a broad, generic verbs.
after leaving mark on brain
Brain needs some sort of article. I think.
sea fills, all white clouds
before it starts to rain
Nice rhyming here.


Along the water drainining away
her pearls of eye's are flowing away
all the words locked in phrases
Words has already been used. Avoid repetition.
are haunting mind ,but cant find places
This line doesn't make any sense to me. Could you please clarify?


hiding is an art ,of not to be seen
The second part of this line is complete fluff, we already know this. Please don't tell us again. We know that hiding is not being seen. Put something creative there.
so you cant go to places,
Hmm... a bit generic. Doesn't really tell us anything.
where you have been
since love and hurt, are one and the same
Cliche. Maybe it's just me, try to find a more original way of expressing this.
i think its better.
if you stand here in rain

Okay ending. Overall, this is okay. Really nothing special in my opinion, but solid enough to make a great song.

Thanks for the crit on mine. I hope this returns the favor, if not, I can take a gander at the other one.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#6
dinky daisy: the line you wanted me to express how sea fills cloud well thats called water cycle

nerk 13: thnx man there is no need of you to crit my other song . this one is just fine . the line you wanted me to express well to me it means . all the words we use to express emotions some times haunt minds but they just cant find the place inside the mind where they can rest and do not disturb us


well stanza 1 is when she was told something bad like insulted she left and weather was also horrible

stanza 2 shows that she is getting bothered by it

stanza 3 is since she dont know where to go since every1 will talk about her . its better for her to be standing alone in the rain


well both of you thnx . i will be more technical nxt time .
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Feb 22, 2007,
#7
Words and ghosts disappear
after leaving mark on brain
sea fills, all white clouds
before it starts to rain
"sea fills, all white clouds" , is that supposed to mean that the water evapoates?

Along the water drainining away
her pearls of eye's are flowing away
all the words locked in phrases
are haunting mind ,but cant find places
all the words locked in phrases, i think you should take out all

hiding is an art ,of not to be seen
so you cant go to places,
where you have been
since love and hurt, are one and the same
i think its better.
if you stand here in rain
i like the last 3 lines

i think its good except i think its a little sloppy with staying to 1 subject, i felt like it kept changing every verse. other than that i liked it. keep up the good work.
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#8
ya i haterap it means some sort of that the whole water cycle effect . thnx for the crit . i will get to yours later in the night
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