#1
And as we delivered the death sentence,
your painted lips only spoke to wonder aloud;
The color of your coffin was frivilous to me,
One could only hope your attire wouldn't clash.
Vanity.


Here's a verse that I wrote down that I love. (It sucks, I know, but I rather like it.) It's not the beginning or the ending, just what I wrote for vanity. Tell me what you think.

I am frustrated. Very frustrated. I have no idea what to do with this. I wrote something that I personally love to death, which is rare, and now I am stuck. Damn writer's block. I've been in a sort of writing/editing/critiquing mode, but my wonderful roll has been stumped by this. If anyone can help, I'd appreciate it.

Okay, my idea was to convey the obsession of matierals and how superficial today's rolemodels are teaching our youth (more specifically women) to act and become. I didn't want to go about this in a normal straightforward, rant sort of fashion, so I decided to whip out a metaphor.

My metaphor was this: a trophy wife who murdered her husband. Now, I know this may be odd, but it gets stranger. I want to do this in a surreal way, not exactly with a plot, but more of a surreal, almost abstract snippets of her story. Each glimpse of her life, starting from the police discovering her as the murderer, would be told using the sarcastic, indifferent narration of a cop or just authority figure (Maybe a man representing society as a whole.) that would portray her various bad qualities.

Here is the list of qualities I managed to jot down:
Vanity
Indemnity
Nymphomania
Greed
Oblivion

But then I wanted to put a twist on it and near the end, during her execution, which I'm leaning towards a noose reference, I show that she's human after all with her pleading and begging for her life. I'm hoping this will show that these people are hazards to society and waste of space, but that their people as well and should be treated as such. Though, if I do that I'm going to need a way to show that they shouldn't be placed upon pedestals, like they commonly are. (Paris Hilton...)

You know I think I'm going for a Scarlett Letter tone and setting type thing. Now, that I'm looking at this, that's definitely what I'm picking up.

Anyways, any and all help would be appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course. I do great crits, so please don't be afraid to ask for them.

(I hate writer's block.)
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
Last edited by nerk13 at Feb 22, 2007,
#2
People have already went to town on "Ticking Timb Bomb" so I decided to look at this, I like what you've got going on, and it seems you have the same kind of thought process as me. I to jot down qualities, and points of interst and the like before writing a song. I have a whole "songwriters notebook" kinda thing going on. As your for your list of qualities I'd say if there was nymphomania, greed, and oblivion, there would need to be some fantasy, some obsession, maybe a little magic. I don't really know what else I'm just rambling off suggestions, but I do want to see this when its complete.
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#3
Alright, I see what you're saying. I was looking into something with obsession. Thanks for the suggestions, man. I really needed them.


I came up with these situations as far expressing the qualities.

Nymphomania- Whorishly flirts with cops while being questioned
Greed- Persistent on knowing how much money the insurance was worth
Oblivion- She thinks everyone outside the courthouse is there to support her
Insecurity- Counts how many press reporters are waiting to talk to her


Working on the rest. I'm still severely stuck though. Any other suggestions would be very much appreciated.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
sounds really deep, I think you have the right idea, just let the words flow out of you. Just let it come natrually, and i think it'll be a masterpiece. Maybe take some time to just relax and focus on other things to give your mind a break to gather more ideas. I look forward to seeing it finished
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#5
Thanks, man. That sounds like great advice, I may do that.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep