#1
On this late night bus, snug
despite the first-month chill outside,
we wander down the winding scar
of interstate to the Capitol

where, in the tired half-light
we will rise as one and speak
in the furious tone of our forefathers.
As my eyes stumble over the crowd, I find

that the windows have been crystallized
with our collective breath and I can
almost catch the minute creaks of people
shifting in their seats.

The intercom bursts to life
and a woman's voice, harsh and metallic,
echoes down the aisle. In spite of myself,
she becomes the elderly but powerful

pastor at my grandmother's old church.
We used to go every Sunday morning,
crammed inside the tiny congregational hall,
baptized in the soft angles of stained glass.

Years later, I'm here again: gathered at dawn
with the people of my faith, praying that
this time, I will look out over the
congregation, hand outstretched,

and grasp a moment of revelation.
Last edited by ndakasimba at Feb 28, 2007,
#2
Damn... I can't find anything to say. I'm really sorry, man. Really, I am. I can't find anything that needs improvement. The imagery is phenomenal (I love the participles.) and really connects you to the story. The narration has great voice and keeps within a distinct style. The ending's perfect. Though, if I remember correctly, the first time it had God at the end, I'm not sure which ending I prefer. They're both awesome. I suppose this works, it really connects the two seperate images better than the line about God did.

If there is something else I can look at for you? This seems to already be pretty damn close to perfect.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
haha, i'm glad you like it. nothing to say=maybe it's near completion, which is always good. : ) i've got another one, Washed Out, that fell through the cracks a bit. the ending is trite, as i can't resist giving the reader (or listener) that one thematic statement at the end. so, if you you'd check that out, i'd appreciate it. thanks

-edgar
#5
will do. : ) sooo, the comp is for noobs. does that mean I can't enter other comps? are some comps vets only? what's the deal?
#6
Whoaaaa.

Now that was brilliant.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#7
I want to edit the line breaks i think.. split them up a little more, make it less predictable. It's tough to do without wrecking the flow though.. any ideas?
Last edited by ndakasimba at Feb 23, 2007,
#8
nice... probably the best i've seen from a noob... and personally i would leave the line breaks the way they are... each stanza already fits within itself very well.

and yeah like Jamie said... you would probably fair very well in the newbie comp.

thanks for the crit on mine by the way.

keep it up!
#9
haha, thanks. am i allowed to use this piece, or can i use another one? what's the deal!?!
#10
Hmmm, I think I will join the comp. See ya there! lol.

Awesome piece, I aswell am a newbie to writing here, But I enjoy it.

I think it would do well, And I like it a lot. I will be reading more of your stuff as it comes for sure.

If you would like to take a look at mine it is here; https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531008
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#12
The District of Columbia

On this late night bus, snug despite the first-month chill outside,
we wander down the winding scar of interstate to the Capitol,
where, in the tired half-light of the morning, we will rise as one
to protest injustice and speak in the furious tone of our fore-fathers.

As I peer through half-lidded eyes, I find that the windows have been
frosted with our collective breath and my slumbering ears catch
the minute creaks of people shifting in their seats.

Decent opening, I am grabbed, I am just slightly left hoping for something more. While the image grabs me, the diction doesn't. Theres some simple parts I feel could benefit from something less predictable. "I find that the..." and my slumbering ears catch..." The adjective for me wasn't that strong, while I can't fault the fact it works, I just felt it lacked the stand out wording.

An intercom crackles to life and a woman's voice, harsh and metallic,
echoes down the aisle; in spite of myself, she becomes the elderly,
but spry and powerful pastor at my grandmother's old church.

This is far better, theres nothing I can say bad about this.

We used to go every Sunday morning, crammed inside
the tiny congregational hall, bathed in the glow of stained glass
and surrounded by a crowd of hopeful people, desperate to believe.

The last line here, really lets the piece down for me, I mean while I understand that some go to church as a one off, but the usual, is for most there to already believe, hence them being there in the first place. So for me that line is redundant.

Years later, I’m here again: awake at dawn, gathered with the people
of my faith trusting that my prayers will be answered, that, this time,
I will look out over a tumultuous sea of faces, hand outstretched,
and grasp a moment of revelation.

Great ending, captures the moment perfectly. Theres nothing I can say about this either. Overall, again though in hindsight I still find the diction slightly lacking in places. But that is it, thats all I can say thats bad about this. So yeah, nice man, nice.

peACE

if yuo have time theres a piece in my sig.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#13
i njoi indulging myself within ndakasimba's literature
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#14
Quote by ndakasimba
haha, thanks. am i allowed to use this piece, or can i use another one? what's the deal!?!



you can use that one if you want since there wasnt really any piece criteria established for the comp... not that i noticed anyways.
#15
I love the imagery, but I'm not sure whether it's a poem or not... I think it has to be a poem, right?

I might just be really sleepy, but it seems odd to me in the fact that it has such long lines, and I'm not used to that.

Once again, I'm probably tired and reading it wrong... otherwise, I love it.
#16
Quote by ndakasimba
((Here's my latest edit. Thanks for all the feedback, I appreciate it))


The District of Columbia

On this late night bus, snug despite the first-month chill outside,
we wander down the winding scar of interstate to the Capitol,
where, in the tired half-light of the morning, we will rise as one
to protest injustice and speak in the furious tone of our fore-fathers.

i swear i have crit this before. maybe you reposted it? im guessing so. anyways i love this intro, nothing wrong at all

As I peer through half-lidded eyes, I find that the windows have been
frosted with our collective breath and my slumbering ears catch
the minute creaks of people shifting in their seats.

again, i loved this. perfect flow and a really impressive stanza

An intercom crackles to life and a woman's voice, harsh and metallic,
echoes down the aisle; in spite of myself, she becomes the elderly,
but spry and powerful pastor at my grandmother's old church.

blah this was a let down for me. idk why i just dont like the last line and the part before that too. it just doesnt seem to fit and is worded awkward and messes the flow of the rest of this

We used to go every Sunday morning, crammed inside
the tiny congregational hall, bathed in the glow of stained glass
and surrounded by a crowd of hopeful people, desperate to believe.

this seems a bit cliche and is nothing special. i like the 1st two lines though just the last line is too straight forward.

Years later, I’m here again: awake at dawn, gathered with the people
of my faith trusting that my prayers will be answered, that, this time,
I will look out over a tumultuous sea of faces, hand outstretched,
and grasp a moment of revelation.

i love this. a lot


i love this piece.
there are a few minor things that could be worked out but if not its still near perfect
9/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531524
im not sure if you have done this one yet or not but this is my newest one
#17
thanks for all the crit guys, it's really helpful. In hindsight, i think i may have chosen words for their sound rather than finding the best descriptive term... i'll work on it.

peace -edgar
#18
i posted a new draft! : )

i fixed mad problems, and i broke up the lines 'cause I wanted to.

crit4crit, you know the drill.