#1
im kind of writing a series of pieces which take place in this 'marrow ocean'
ill give out more details when i continue on expanding it, these two pieces are just to set the basic jist of it. this isn't finished by any means, the yeah okay is just the temporary ending. i do like how it ends it abruptly and oddly, but im going to expand on this. once again im going to add some punctuation in correct places once i decide on the flow i want for this.

link to a marrow ocean I

a marrow ocean II

We drained our bones and slept alone at the bottom of a marrow ocean.
Tucked into the coral with the tin man and his orchestra, we were oiling hinges
with sea shell symphonies but you wouldn’t ever know we were listening
to a whale make love to who ever was free and willing in motel rooms,
in a suitcase life between metropolitan settlements and rural reconstruction sites;
where you’ll find
the most beautiful faces in a ghost town sewage system
sorting through recycled trash and anorexic apple cores
that have nothing left to offer anyone except their once refreshing corpse.
Yeah okay.
Last edited by rushmore at Feb 22, 2007,
#2
Haha, trippy man. i'll crit this for real later, but my god you write some tripped out s***. "listening to a whale make love to who ever was free and willing in motel rooms," a "suitcase life". lmao, good stuff.
#3
lol well thanks alot. let me know when you get a new piece up

i dont think itll be hard for people to make the connections in this piece since when im writing i tend to jump to different subjects quickly and sometimes its hard to follow but if theres any difficulty just ask
#4
I would complain on how rushed this seems, because I believe it actually is, but I still like it . Alright so...this is a very, very long sentence. I know you don't want to break it for the flow or anything, but you just have to put a period somewhere in there. I think the tin man reference could be brought in in a more subtle way. However, the rest of this, especially the end, is awesome. You have some excellent phrasing here.

Great job, I'm sorry there is not much more to crit.
#5
yeah i get how the tin man part comes in kind of abruptly
but i wouldnt say its rushed just kind of pieced together.
i wrote all of this in one sitting after i wrote the first marrow ocean piece
except the tin man part i had already done and just kind of weaved it in here
thanks a lot
#6
Actually, It is very... out there. And I love it. I believe this to be a great series. Something which i had considered doing myself.

Anyhow, The abrupt AND subtle introductions to metaphors was brilliant. Wonderful Imagery. Fantastic piece.

There is not much to work with on a crit, As anything that needs to be changed, (If anything) Would be all to appearant to warrant the pointing out of it.

Awesome, And once you actually make these songs and get a recording, Please link me

This is a bit older then my most recent, But if you would give it a read over, your seal of approval would be much appreciated, And of course, Your constructive criticism would be appreciated even to a greater degree.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=526904

And Peace Shall Sleep.

Check it out mate.

Deluster
Quote by Leybick

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Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#7
We drained our bones and slept alone at the bottom of a marrow ocean.
i liked the bones and alone rhyme here

Tucked into the coral with the tin man and his orchestra, we were oiling hinges
ok i dont see how the tin man comes into this

with sea shell symphonies but you wouldn’t ever know we were listening
nice job on the internal rhymes

to a whale make love to who ever was free and willing in motel rooms,
this line i didnt like that much. whales, making love, in motel rooms...eh...

in a suitcase life between metropolitan settlements and rural reconstruction sites;
where you’ll find
the most beautiful faces in a ghost town sewage system
lol nice lines here

sorting through recycled trash and anorexic apple cores
nice descriptive language, anorexic cores

that have nothing left to offer anyone except their once refreshing corpse.
Yeah okay.


hm, not much to point out, i liked ur clever internal rhyming, ur nice descriptive talk, and keeping the words easy to understand and are still effective. im looking forward to ur next one in the series. thx for the crit on mine.
#8
thanks a lot. i see how the tin man comes in quickly but i was kind of looking for quick metaphor/subject changes but maybe that ones a little too abrupt being that i didnt connect it with anything earlier in the piece.
thanks a lot im going to try to work on that
#9
I thought this was awesome, I read the first and was impressed, this one appeals to my style more. The whole concept is very unique and something that will stick with me for a long while. I did try and find something wrong here, and while some changes seem abrupt; you know that already, I dont actually dislike the fact they do. Excellent work here man.



I know its not much of a crit, if you feel like it, theres one in my sig.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 25, 2007,
#10
wow!! This was really strange, and I don't mean the wording.
The way it unraveled itself (and I don't know if this is you or just me) made me start out not liking a phrase, but then finishing the line and saying "oh, that is actually beautiful".
Just a thought. Could be the same idea as everyone above saying that certain parts "came out of nowhere".

I enjoyed everything about this except for your temporary ending.
Terrible crit, hah. sorry. I'd seriously give this an A+ without the "yeah ok".
maybe i'll read part one now

check out my stuff in my sig, if you're down.
#11
a marrow ocean II

We drained our bones and slept alone at the bottom of a marrow ocean. ((this could be the coolest first line i've seen EVER. you have my attention by the balls.))
Tucked into the coral with the tin man and his orchestra, we were oiling hinges((haha, reference to wiz of oz, excellent))
with sea shell symphonies but you wouldn’t ever know we were listening
to a whale make love to who ever was free and willing in motel rooms,((weird stuff. i don't really get it, but it cracks me up : P))
in a suitcase life between metropolitan settlements and rural reconstruction sites;
where you’ll find
the most beautiful faces in a ghost town sewage system
sorting through recycled trash and anorexic apple cores ((anorexic apple cores is a real nifty image, i dig it.))
that have nothing left to offer anyone except their once refreshing corpse.
Yeah okay.

Nice. Not my style, but I still dig it. The opening grabbed me like all get out, but i feel a tad let down. It's like you had a big ante, but didn't quite follow through, at least not the way I would have expected. Still, excellent writing, 9/10 at least. : )
#13
i've already read the first part (because its smoking me right now) and it was good... but i like this one more. There's not much to crit here... but i have a couple suggestions as far as how it could be broken up... cause yeah it's one long sentence right now.

We drained our bones and slept alone at the bottom of a marrow ocean.
Tucked into the coral with the tin man and his orchestra, we were oiling hinges
with sea shell symphonies.

okay i think to fix the abruptness of your "tin man" line you could use a descriptive word in front of coral that would tie it into the tin man concept.... and i think that after "symphonies" is a good place to end the sentence... even though the next line would be starting with "but" i still think it works better.

But you wouldn’t ever know we were listening
to a whale make love to who ever was free and willing in motel rooms,
in a suitcase life between metropolitan settlements and rural reconstruction sites.

Another possible sentence end there... i'd understand if you didnt want to break that up.... and you'd have to change the beginning of the next sentence slightly... maybe "That's where..." if you did that then you might want a comma after "faces".

where you’ll find
the most beautiful faces in a ghost town sewage system
sorting through recycled trash and anorexic apple cores
that have nothing left to offer anyone except their once refreshing corpse.
Yeah okay.

i like the ending personally... and especially love the "anorexic apple cores"... be proud of that one.

the piece is fine without the suggested changes... but i think they'd make it a touch better... this is a great piece though... good job... i'm gonna keep my eyes open for your work from now on... and thanks for the crit on my piece.
#14
i liked your piece i also read the first part . i didn't get the whole tin man thing though. i liked the ending.
well most of the things had already been said .thnx for the crit. i will crit ur next piece,to return ac rit. mine is not as good as yours was srry
Hi
#16
Its very hard to follow, but good once you figure out what you are saying.... Or at least good once you think you figure out what you're saying.
#19
i can't express to you how much i loved this piece until the last line. "yeah okay" was that part of the piece?

honestly though, without it, it was the closest i've been to actually crying since million dollar baby. hahaha, but really. I love this much more than the first installment, although i like that as well.

i truly enjoy your style. tis an honor.
#20
haha thanks to both of you.
punchup that is just a temporary ending until i either add more which i doubt i will cause i kind of feel like its complete how it is or think of another line to end it with. once i got to the end i just went blank and couldnt write anymore.
#21
That's some amazing work in surrealism, man. For some reason it reminds me of Clive Barker. Very neo-gothic with some well-fitting alliterative technique.

I will be posting some more of my own stuff next week, and I'm looking forward to seeing more Marrow Ocean verses!
#23
Loved it!!! I really do hope you don't get blank ever again lol!!

No, seriously speaking, it's really awesome, very original and the description made me smile, with the whale, the coral and everything. You'd have to put the punctuation right when you finish it, of course. I loved it and I don't have much to crit, it's a 10/10.

I'm going to read the first one, I haven't done it yet.
Got too deep but - how deep is too deep?

FOUNDER OF THE ARCTIC MONKEYS FAN CLUB PM me to join.
#25
ISorry, didn't get round to the first one, I'm reading this as it is.

a marrow ocean II

We drained our bones and slept alone at the bottom of a marrow ocean.
Lovely opener.
Tucked into the coral with the tin man and his orchestra, we were oiling hinges
I personally don't like tucked.
with sea shell symphonies but you wouldn’t ever know we were listening
The but here feels very awkward imo, it just seems to interrupt things. I'm just nitpicking, this has fantsastic flow.
to a whale make love to who ever was free and willing in motel rooms,
I feel this line is the most awkward in the piece.
in a suitcase life between metropolitan settlements and rural reconstruction sites;
where you’ll find Perfect break imo.
the most beautiful faces in a ghost town sewage system
sorting through recycled trash and anorexic apple cores
that have nothing left to offer anyone except their once refreshing corpse.
Yeah okay.
Eh, for an ending I don't thin kit's great, but then atm I seem to keep criticsing popular endings, but imo I dislike htis.

Overall this was brilliant, sorry I couldn't find much. Awesome flow, looking forward to reading more.
#26
thanks for reviewing my song. you have a great bunch of words here and images and that sorta stuff, but I dont really follow who the song is about. Is it about just being able to say yeah ok? Of course not your saying something more like "these words make up who I am". Am I right on that?
#27
The ending didn't feel too abrupt or disjointed, to me. I like what it does to the voice/mood, especially it being the final line. I pretty much liked everything about this.