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#1
ive been getting a reputation as a racist.

and sex jokes are getting old.

so post some clean jokes!

and if you say anything about soap or cleaning something.

i will kill you.
Member #10 of the Trumpet Players' Alliance

Last edited by joeman2120 at Feb 22, 2007,
#2
Why did the orange cross the road?

To shut the f*** up.
The Mariachi Player of the Church of Zeppelinism. PM TheHeartbreaker to join

Quote by soulfly_freak
men were given a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to use one at a time...


Member #2 of Rory Gallagher Fan Club PM dazzler16 to Join
#3
ya someone called me racist at work cuz i told this joke

whats long dark and smelly.... the unemployment line

before i said that they said this joke

whats the most confusing day in harlem...... fathers day

i thought that was quite hypocritical cuz the harlem one is also racist
#4
Quote by AssassinLoki090
Why did the orange cross the road?

To shut the f*** up.


lol

omfg i double posted someone stop the mad man!
#6
Quote by leftyrockr
Why did leftyrockr cross the road?


To analy rape people who start crappy threads

/thread


that was gross but still funny
#7
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his pants. The bartender asks him, "Hey Pirate, what's with the wheel?" to which the pirate replies, "Arr it's driving me nuts!"


ba dum cha


Here's another one:

What's hot black and screaming?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.


double rim shot!
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."-Duke
#8
who is the biggest idiot on the internet


VINCENT lol lol lol lol lol lol lol

sorry that was lame i going to shut up know
*beats head on computer desk
#10
Fuck clean jokes.This one is a classic.I heard it about seven years ago but it might be new to some.


Long but funny
Quote by lol2theworld
I was about to diss kornflipsk8er, but then i realized hes an 03er and im an 09er.
I am inferior to him.


Quote by metalh3ad88
I am fairly certain that kornflipsk8er is GOD!!!11!!!!1!!
#11
Double post but I am a guy that lives on the edge.To the XTREME.

Another long one but very funny.and again:fuck clean jokes.


I hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn't get out of there.

A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy."

I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.

THE MOTHER****ER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!

Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shitss, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.

I nearly panic. I let loose a flurry of unintelligible curse words at SlingBlade, punctuated by a "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!," and knock over the lamp in my dash out of the room. The turtle is sticking his head out, and he is coming whether I am on a toilet or not.

I figure that there must be a bathroom somewhere in the lobby, so I shoot down the hall and hop in the elevator. Once in the lobby I can't seem to spot a bathroom anywhere. So, I head around the corner to the front desk, which doesn't face the lobby. It's about 4am, and no one is at the desk. I furiously hit the bell for at least a minute--CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG --until some poor lady comes out with sleep lines all over her face and tells me that the bathroom in the corner of the lobby.

It is hard to describe, so let me give you an aerial picture of what the lobby looks like:


I turn the corner from the front desk into the lobby and realize I don't know which side of the triangular lobby she is talking about. I don't have time to go back and ask her, and I see a white door at the end of the left-hand side, so I quickly waddle towards it. Why am I waddling? Because I have to physically hold my butt cheeks together to prevent myself from crapping all over my pink Gap boxers. I am literally pressing my ass cheeks together with my hands. One of the prouder moments of my life.

I nearly bust the door off it's hinges as I plow through it. I hear a loud, "AYYYY!!," that almost literally scares the shit out of me. I jump back to see that this is a janitor's closet, complete with a small Mexican lady janitor. I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor.

I try to be as diplomatic as possible, considering that I am about to crap my pants:

Tucker "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?"
Janitor "No, no se habla Ingles."
Tucker "WHAT?!? Huh, uh...DONDE ESTA ****ING BANO?"
Janitor "AYA, AYA!"

She points across the lobby. About 60 yards from where I am standing, at the complete other end of the lobby, there is a set of doors that have a large "Restroom" sign over them. Right where the front desk lady said it would be, except on the opposite side of the lobby.

I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The decision is simple: I break into a full-on dead-ass sprint.

I am a decent athlete, I played football, baseball and basketball in high school, and I stay in good shape. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, from a legitimate drive-by shooting once while in Kentucky, but I don't think I have ever run that fast in my life. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in human excrement.

Unfortunately, I was not fast enough. It went something like this:

-20 yards into the run I feel my boxers start to sag.
-30 yards into the run, about halfway, I feel my ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.
-40 yards into the run, my boxers have slid down to mid thigh. I am struggling to keep it together.
-50 yards into the run, I can feel wetness all over me and little specs of something hitting the back of my head and ears.

By the time I get to the bathroom door, the end of the 60 yards, I have completely lost it.

I am shitting myself. Full on crapping in my pink Gap boxers.

I step out of my boxers as I crash through the door. Shit is puddled in the seat. I blindly hurl them away from me, and nearly break the door to the first stall. I plop down on the seat and immediately slide off, because my ass is covered in slimy, runny feces. All the while, my butt hole is spouting forth waste. I finally get situated on the toilet and lose perhaps 20 pounds in the next 2 minutes.

During a short respite in my nearly superhuman flow of crap, I notice that the toilet is almost completely full of shit, so I flush. Predictably, the toilet overflows. Great. I move to the next stall, and continue my little adventure, except this time I courtesy flush every few seconds.

By the time I finish, I am physically exhausted, completely dehydrated, and my eyes are tearing up from shitting so hard. I laugh at the inadequacy of toilet paper to clean my body. I take my shirt off and see that the back of it is completely covered in little specks of shit that my heels kicked up from the diarrhea that ran down my legs as I ran. I throw the shirt in the trash, and then see the mirror. My pink Gap boxers are crumpled in a ball on the sink, with a thick black streak leading from the top of the mirror down to them. This is their final resting place.

Completely naked and covered in my own poop, I chuckle, because at this point if I don't laugh I have to cry. As I open the bathroom door to the lobby, I think to myself, "Who else on earth could be having a worse night than me?"

My question is immediately answered.

I see a trail of shit, starting very wide at my feet, getting progressively smaller until it apexes at the chunky white shoes of none other than the small Mexican lady janitor.

Her eyes met mine. We may have been separated by numerous religious, language and socioeconomic barriers, but the "What the **** just happened?" expression on her face crossed all boundaries.

Now really--picture this scene: I am butt-ass naked, crap plastered all over my ass, legs, back and head, standing about 20 yards away from a Mexican maid, with a trail of black liquid shit leading from her directly to me. What would you do? I wasn't sure. I don't think there is any defined etiquette for this situation.

I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh--lo siento. Good night. Buenos noche--or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator.

From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her sobbing. The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked shit up on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poop all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere.

Come to think of it, she wasn't sobbing. I believe "hysterical crying" would be a better descriptive term. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure as hell isn't going to be me.

When I get back to the room, SlingBlade is already in bed. He rolls over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughing uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strains his abdominal muscle. It takes him five whole minutes before he can get the words out,

SlingBlade "Where--where the **** are your pants?"
Tucker "**** YOU ASSHOLE. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump. If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERED IN SHIT!"

He couldn"t stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out:

"This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!"
Quote by lol2theworld
I was about to diss kornflipsk8er, but then i realized hes an 03er and im an 09er.
I am inferior to him.


Quote by metalh3ad88
I am fairly certain that kornflipsk8er is GOD!!!11!!!!1!!
#13
Ok, here's some philosophy ones that I heard from my PHI 498 prof.

I am a buddhist existentialist: I think, therefore I om.

Descartes walks into a bar. It's late, so the bartender tells him, "last call, want a drink?" Descartes says: "I think not!" and dissapears.
Thus sayeth the Lord.

<//////>~
#14
Quote by kornflipsk8er


He couldn"t stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out:

"This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!"


Was that supposed to be a punchline or is this one of those jokes where the journey is better than the destination? I laughed throughout but the ending makes me feel slow...

Maybe just irony?
Last edited by King ofKumbucha at Feb 23, 2007,
#16
Quote by King ofKumbucha
Was that supposed to be a punchline or is this one of those jokes where the journey is better than the destination? I laughed throughout but the ending makes me feel slow...



The journey is better than the destination in this case.
Quote by lol2theworld
I was about to diss kornflipsk8er, but then i realized hes an 03er and im an 09er.
I am inferior to him.


Quote by metalh3ad88
I am fairly certain that kornflipsk8er is GOD!!!11!!!!1!!
#18
knock knock
whos there
cow
cow who?
cows dun who.. they moo!!
Quote by your mom
wow.. ggmIdas is so good in bed
Quote by your dad
basically, ggmIdas can pleasure the ladies better than me.. and he could totally kick my ass
#19
What did the noob register his name as?


HIS EMAIL ADDRESS


Quote by dogfet04@yahoo.
ya someone called me racist at work cuz i told this joke

whats long dark and smelly.... the unemployment line

before i said that they said this joke

whats the most confusing day in harlem...... fathers day

i thought that was quite hypocritical cuz the harlem one is also racist
#20
There's two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Hey, you know, it's getting a little bit hot in here..."
The other muffin turns around quickly and exclaims "AAARGHHH!! HOLY FARK!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
"Everybody, one day will die and be forgotten. Act and behave in a way that will make life interesting and fun. Find a passion, form relationships, don't be afraid to get out there and fuck what everyone else thinks."
#21
Quote by the_random_hero
There's two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Hey, you know, it's getting a little bit hot in here..."
The other muffin turns around quickly and exclaims "AAARGHHH!! HOLY FARK!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"



There's two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Hey, you know, it's getting a little bit hot in here..."
The other muffin turns around quickly and exclaims "ARE YOU GAY?!!?!?!"

my freind told me that variation
They say good things come in small packages. You know what else comes in small packages? Unrelenting pain and horror.
#23
Why don't prawns give to charity...?
Because they are shellfish!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hoimhi0et0hm03oi
#24
Quote by the_random_hero
There's two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Hey, you know, it's getting a little bit hot in here..."
The other muffin turns around quickly and exclaims "AAARGHHH!! HOLY FARK!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"


Thanks for making me choke out my water. That one was funny.
Gear...
Peavey 5150, Squier, Ibanez RG2EX2, Yamaha F150, Ibanez RT150, MXR noisegate
#25
Quote by mr kipling
Why don't prawns give to charity...?
Because they are shellfish!!!!!!!!!!!!!


For some reason, I lol'd at that
"Everybody, one day will die and be forgotten. Act and behave in a way that will make life interesting and fun. Find a passion, form relationships, don't be afraid to get out there and fuck what everyone else thinks."
#26
Why did the house call the doctor?

Because he had window panes.
Quote by shattamakar
The only advantage of home-schooling is that it gives you good reason to commit suicide.


Hit this once or twice, and you'll be twice as nice.
#27
Quote by GdayArmstrong
what do you get when you cross an owl and a bungee cord?


My ass



lol at kung pow.
#28
did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to santa
Quote by Tim618


I was balls deep in this girl once, and shes like "Oh my god, thats such an excruciating pain!"

I say: ... "excruciating? Thats a pretty big word for a 12 year old."
#29
Quote by leftyrockr
Kornflipsk8er, that was wonderful. Props for your ass exploding in front of a mexican lady


thats a story from tuckermax.com

Two cows are standing in a field. One says "Mooooo". The other goes, "Damn! I was just about to say that!"
#30
Why are white people white?

Because they are covered in semen.


Why are black people black?

Because God hates them.


Sorry
#31
^That's not funny and also extremely racist. I hope you get banned.

What do you call someone who hangs around with a group of musicians?

A drummer!!!!
Quote by WlCmToTheJungle
if ur going to play some american idiot stuff heres the settings:

Master Volume : 0
i dunno about the rest
#32
Quote by TeenBite

What do you call someone who hangs around with a group of musicians?

A drummer!!!!


That is extremely anti-drummer...I hope you get *********ed by an elephant...


Why couldn't the pirate watch a movie at the theater?

Because it was rated Argh!
Quote by deanodon
break into his house, wait till he falls asleep, teabag him, take picture, post on UG, get banned
#33
At a communist nudist camp, two old fellows are sitting on a porch in their favorite rocking chairs, talking about the Soviet Union's glory days and whatnought.

One turns to the other and says: "I say, old fellow, have you read Marx?"
The other replies: "Why yes, I think its these wicker chairs."
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
#34
Quote by TeenBite
^That's not funny and also extremely racist. I hope you get banned.



Well Im offended by your shitty avatar but you don't hear me bitching.
#36
Two chickens are walking down the road. One says to the other "Don't cross the road or you'll spend your life being asked why you did it!"


A priest, a minister and a Rabbi walk into a pub. The barman looks up and says "Is this meant to be a joke?"


What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.


Why did Fred fall out of a tree?

Because he had no arms.


Why did Dave fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a brick at him.
╠═══════╬═══════╣

FUZZY FLATPICKER σƒ τλε τρπ βπστλεπλσσδ

╠═══════╬═══════╣


Enjoy occasionally controversial ramblings related to guitars? I have a blog which meets these criteria.
#37
Tombe - Love the Rabi, etc one. Old but great

2 oranges sitting at the bar
1 says: "Your round".


What's black and white and can't turn around in an alleyway?
A nun with a javelin through her.
i don't give a **** about combat18
#38
why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares whats the bitch doin out the kitchen!

Who do you starve a black man?
Hide his food stamps in his work boots.

How do chinese people name their kids?
Throw a spoon accross a room and their name is whatever sound it makes.

And others...
#39
Quote by RandyVanHendrix
why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares whats the bitch doin out the kitchen!

Who do you starve a black man?
Hide his food stamps in his work boots.

How do chinese people name their kids?
Throw a spoon accross a room and their name is whatever sound it makes.

And others...



That chinese one killed me.I haven't laughed that hard in a few days.
Quote by lol2theworld
I was about to diss kornflipsk8er, but then i realized hes an 03er and im an 09er.
I am inferior to him.


Quote by metalh3ad88
I am fairly certain that kornflipsk8er is GOD!!!11!!!!1!!
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