#1
Just an idea i came up with while i was on a bus looking at the clouds go by.

Crit for crit.


Those Clouds

If you could play with the clouds,
If you could mold their incandescent edges,
Into shapes of love and hate,
Would you really want to?

I see them in the window,
Through the other side of the room.
They're darkly glistening in the night sky,
How could you change them?

If you could put the clouds in your hand,
Hold them, draw them, throw them.
Those mysterious clouds,
Sitting like the perfectly untouched snow.

I see my reflection before them,
And I look past it so I can watch,
Those incandescent clouds,
They fly past my bus.
#2
If you could put the clouds in your hand,
Hold them, draw them, throw them.
Those mysterious clouds,
Sitting like the perfectly untouched snow.

I think the third line was imo just not needed, but I love the rest

The last stanza

I see my reflection before them,
And I look past it so I can watch,
Those incandescent clouds,
They fly past my bus.

is my favorite!

I love it, good work
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#3
If you could play with the clouds,
If you could mold their incandescent edges,
Into shapes of love and hate,
Love and hate... a bit cliche. Maybe you could find something else to put here. The same message, but with a bit more creativity.
Would you really want to?

I see them in the window,
See is a bit weak. Stronger verb would do wonders here.
Through the other side of the room.
They're darkly glistening in the night sky,
How could you change them?

If you could put the clouds in your hand,
Hold them, draw them, throw them.
Those mysterious clouds,
Sitting like the perfectly untouched snow.
Sitting is really generic and common. Replace it and this verse will be alot better, in my opinion.

I see my reflection before them,
And I look past it so I can watch,
See and look... really generic and broad.
Those incandescent clouds,
They fly past my bus.
I think you should go with a particple here. "Flying past my bus." Sounds more natural to me.

Hope this helps.
Thanks for the crit on mine.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
Thanks.

You're right about the third line, i needed some sort of filler, and i thought it sounded decent. Any particular song you'd like me to crit of yours? I can't seem to find any.

And to Nerk. I never even thought to go through for wording. I'll have to come up with something.
Last edited by Bmm386 at Feb 23, 2007,