#1
So I deleted the original thread yesterday, but didn't post the new version, so here it is.

All the ghosts that you haunt
In the dark of long hallways
Watch you grope for their glow
And know you won't feel anything.

Your fingertips will brush across
The edge of a reason, and you'll grasp,
But it will crawl from your hands like
The flesh from their bones.

Now I see the decay in your eyes,
Surprised like a casket collapsed,
Anxious like an addict relapsed, but
Those damp nights were like dreams
We'd share when we stuck together.

We chased those swerves and blurs
For a hot ride after our cold work.
Our maps were lost and criss-crossed stops
And that was the way we wanted to be,
And that was the way we were, inevitably.
The frigid wind ripping on our necks
Made it easy to give up, forget.

We never completed a single salutation
At a million gas stations, so we stole a drink and
Drank in dank hotels to avoid our destination.

We purge ourselves from
Sin with this fasting.
You and I everlasting.
Our pain understood,
Juiced and dried,
The dirt sifted.
Last edited by system at Feb 23, 2007,
#2
This is really good. I like it. Clever lines with no repercussions, when called for, and solid lines where they should be. I like it a lot.

I thought the use of "cold" again in stanza four was pretty off, though.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
Man who does a guy gotta blow to get a crit around here?

and you'll grasp,


I think you have to be grasping for something and here it doesn't seem you are.

Surprised like a casket collapsed,
Anxious like an addict relapsed


Great line.

We chased those swerves and blurs
For a hot ride after our cold work.
Our maps were lost and criss-crossed stops
And that was the way we wanted to be,
And that was the way we were, inevitably.


This is also pretty good, at least in terms of language: the hot ride isn't as clever as you think. But I have a problem in that it doesn't really fit here. I don't think it adds much to the poem and it sounds much more lyrical than the rest. I think it'd be great to copy and paste into another song, but I didn't really like it here. This goes for most of it after this part. It's good writing that flows really well but it feels like you have two seperate poems here. I don't see much of a connection or a reason for the shift in language.

We purge ourselves from
Sin with this fasting.
You and I everlasting.
Our pain understood,
Juiced and dried,
The dirt sifted.


"You and I everlasting" felt forced. I don't like the wording in the last three lines. It felt so much different than the rest of this.

Overall, this was good, but I feel like it'd be better with a better ending and separated into two poems.

holla
#5
I thought they were grasping for the edge of that reason. Maybe I should make it clearer.

Not sure what you mean by "the hot ride isn't as clever as you think."
Also, I kind of agree that the poem could be shortened/focused, but I referenced the past and wanted to expand the reference to make more sense. It just happened that I couldn't make my point in as few lines or as coherently as I had hoped.

I could also see how the last stanza would feel different, because it was the only one I didn't (change/recieve criticisms about), from the first draft.

So I think I'll definitely eliminate the last stanza, but should I also take the 4th and 5th and make a new poem, and then come up with a more complete ending to match the first 3 stanzas?