#1
If I have any critism, throw it at me.

For a couple of hours I've been under this bed
Knowing my room will look better with a head
He's five years old, and his name is Ted
"Good night mom." Will be the last thing he says
He's smart for a five year old little boy
He actually doen't have that many toys
But a lot of kids can get him easily annoyed
He wants to be a scientist when he grows up
Seeing animals in pain makes him up chuck
But we won't find any of that out now will we
I can just picture him punching, kicking, crying, and screaming
"Let me go!" is what he'll be demanding
I hear the doorknob turning, and opening up
I can't believe I'm doing this to my only son
Last edited by glm at Feb 23, 2007,
#2
"He's five years old, his name is Ted." Is the only line I'd change. It seems forced. And "His teachers say he won't get stuck in his career and give up." Is a bit too long. It'd probably break the rhythm. Other than that, it's realy dark, and really well written. Good job.
#4
Not bad, but I can't really imagine what kinda rhythm it will be in, the music it will be set to... cuz right now, in my head, it doesn't quite work because it has a bouncy rhythm of a kind and each line follows the other rapidly...
According to BS statistics, 92% of teens have moved on to rap. If you're among the 8% who doesn't consider rap to be real music, donate your brains, as you clearly aren't using them.