#1
This will be the first song ive ever posted on here...please dont kill me if you dont like it, but honest critiques please, with suggestions would be much appreciated

I wrote this song abotu a girl (my best friend) that ive really adored for like 6 months now...and ive told her before that ive loved her and all that...and we both know it could work...but it doesnt happen. So i wrote this called song called "Will You Listen?"

Verse
My future
Is clouded and dark
I tried once but
Back then I missed my mark
And I’ll watch you
I’ll think to myself
I need you
But first I’ll scream for help

But will you listen?

Verse 2
Though it’s useless
I’ve tried to resist
Now that I’ve met you
I think I got the gist
I wont be normal
Till I lose my jealousy
Ill try to
So now you must listen to me

Chorus
The future’s there
It’s in your eyes
The way we are
It’s no surprise
And I’ll try to tell you
With this rhyme
I’ll say it,
Will you listen?
I’ve said it before
Now it’s time for once more
But will you listen to

Bridge
I’ve loved you for so long
I cannot stand to see you gone
You walk away, you flash that smile
My heart beats like I’ve run the mile

Verse
Though it’s useless
I’ve tried to resist
Now that I’ve met you
I think I got the gist
I wont be normal
Till I lose my jealousy
Ill try to…
So now you must listen to me

Chorus
The future’s there
It’s in your eyes
The way we are
It’s no surprise
And I’ll try to tell you
With this rhyme
I’ll say it,
Will you listen?
I’ve said it before
Now it’s time for once more
Ill say it,
Will you listen?

The future’s there
It’s in your eyes
The way we are
It’s no surprise
And I’ll try to tell you
With this rhyme
I’ll say it,
Will you listen?
I’ve said it once before
Now it’s time for more
Ill say it,
Will you listen?
I’ve loved you for so long
I cannot stand to see you gone
You walk away, you flash that smile
My heart beats like I’ve run the mile
Will you listen?(x4)

Thanks guys
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Squier Classic Vibe Tele
Fulltone Clyde Wah
Fulltone OCD
Fulltone Deja Vibe
Fuzz Factory
Carbon Copy

Boutique Marshall-Style 50watt amp head
Orange 2x12
#2
I thought I'd be nice and actually give you some crit looks like you've been waiting a while... Nice combination of lyrics, although maybe a little repetative to the end. Maybe you should look into making the sentences longer?
#3
bump
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Squier Classic Vibe Tele
Fulltone Clyde Wah
Fulltone OCD
Fulltone Deja Vibe
Fuzz Factory
Carbon Copy

Boutique Marshall-Style 50watt amp head
Orange 2x12
#4
NO BUMPING IS ALOUD IN HERE



Verse
My future
Is clouded and dark
I tried once but
Back then I missed my markbit to long to fit the others
And I’ll watch you
I’ll think to myself
I need you
But first I’ll scream for help
last line kinda kills it, and its a bit to simple for me.

But will you listen?

Verse 2
Though it’s useless
I’ve tried to resist
Now that I’ve met you
I think I got the gistseems forced a little, resist,gist
I wont be normal
Till I lose my jealousy
Ill try to
So now you must listen to me
eh, its decent.

Chorus
The future’s there
It’s in your eyesthese first 2 lines are used way to often
The way we are
It’s no surprise
And I’ll try to tell you
With this rhymei dont like it when pple talk about the song, in their song
I’ll say it,
Will you listen?
I’ve said it before
Now it’s time for once more
But will you listen to
last line seems a bit weird, mabe take off 'to'?

Bridge
I’ve loved you for so long
I cannot stand to see you gone
You walk away, you flash that smile
My heart beats like I’ve run the mile
nice, i liked it,mabe change to 'run a mile'

Verse
Though it’s useless
I’ve tried to resist
Now that I’ve met you
I think I got the gist
I wont be normal
Till I lose my jealousy
Ill try to…
So now you must listen to me

Chorus
The future’s there
It’s in your eyes
The way we are
It’s no surprise
And I’ll try to tell you
With this rhyme
I’ll say it,
Will you listen?
I’ve said it before
Now it’s time for once more
Ill say it,
Will you listen?

The future’s there
It’s in your eyes
The way we are
It’s no surprise
And I’ll try to tell you
With this rhyme
I’ll say it,
Will you listen?
I’ve said it once before
Now it’s time for more
Ill say it,
Will you listen?
I’ve loved you for so long
I cannot stand to see you gone
You walk away, you flash that smile
My heart beats like I’ve run the mile
Will you listen?(x4)
so u repeat the whole long thing 4 times???


ok, its decent, its a bit to simple for me, but not bad. u did repeat a bit to much in my opinion, but thats jsut me. i dont give you 2 thumbs up, nor 2 thumbs down, but 2 thumbs sideways.6.5/10


leave a short crit on 'heart frequency' in my sig if u could