#1
I'm not sure if im gonna call this song "Water" or "Midsummer Sun", but i think i'm leaning towards "Midsummer Sun". Well, here it is.

___Verse___
Underneath the clouds and over the hill lies the sky
Where the sun is slowly rising
Looking up i see yellow clouds in orange seas
Docked upon the trees
The wind is calm and slowly moving waves
Of orange to cover grey
As orange turns into a miraculous blue
The sun is gaining speed
The waters of the creek slowly turn as they meet
The crooks and turns of Earth
Running peacefully and slowly dripping down
Into nature's waterfalls
____Chorus____
So close your eyes
And take a look into
What you ought to do
Whatevers best for you
And leave it all behind
Tell it all goodbye
You wont be
Seeing any of it anymore
So take a look inside
Switch the gears to drive
And leave this place behind
You can look forward
To another life
One you've spoken to
And tell the rest of this
You're saying your goodbyes
___Verse___
The sun is now overhead
Half past noon is what it said
The water flows more rapid in the life
Of the deep blue sea
Clouds are hanging over head blocking
The midsummer sun
As the sky changes to a darker blue
The day is already done

Chorus X2 and fade out on last chord.

So, tell me what you think.
Quote by heavyairship
dying hurts

empty sig
Last edited by IUseAPurplePick at Feb 24, 2007,
#2
Nothing really stood out. It just seemed to rant about the sun, and then go into something completely unrelated. I'm probably missing something, though. Oh, and, I have a few purple picks myself.
Wade in the water, child.
#3
Quote by AWA
Nothing really stood out. It just seemed to rant about the sun, and then go into something completely unrelated. I'm probably missing something, though. Oh, and, I have a few purple picks myself.


I was trying to get across how fast life goes by in the verses, (Sun coming up being the begining of life, and the sun going down suddenly in the second verse being the end) and in the chorus i was trying to get to how you need to know what you're doing in life, and where you're headed. I guess i went in too deep trying to relate nature with time.
Quote by heavyairship
dying hurts

empty sig
#4
Quote by IUseAPurplePick

___Verse___

Underneath the clouds and over the hill lies the sky
Where the sun is slowly rising
Looking up i see yellow clouds in orange seas
Docked upon the trees
The wind is calm and slowly moving waves
Of orange to cover grey
As orange turns into a miraculous blue
The sun is gaining speed
The waters of the creek slowly turn as they meet
The crooks and turns of Earth
Running peacefully and slowly dripping down
Into nature's waterfalls

That could be a nice Opening to the song, gives out the mood, fine by now.

____Chorus____

So close your eyes
And take a look into
What you ought to do
Whatevers best for you
And leave it all behind
Tell it all goodbye
You wont be
Seeing any of it anymore
So take a look inside
Switch the gears to drive
And leave this place behind
You can look forward
To another life
One you've spoken to
And tell the rest of this
You're saying your goodbyes

seems kinda busy, the message gets acrossed...

___Verse___

The sun is now overhead
Half past noon is what it said
The water flows more rapid in the life
Of the deep blue sea
Clouds are hanging over head blocking
The midsummer sun
As the sky changes to a darker blue
The day is already done

a great finishing, gives closure.


over all, this seems to be a project in imagining, alot of words describing everything, which can be good but it seems to take over, and it has no point in the verses.

Sorry for the incificent critique, I usually give our more specifics, but I didn't had alot to say about this song.

if you would like to return the favour-
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=516855
...And The Nominees Are
#5
___Verse___
Underneath the clouds and over the hill lies the sky
This is a tad bit long. Maybe you could break it up?
Where the sun is slowly rising
Looking up i see yellow clouds in orange seas
Are you really trying to focus on yourself here? If not, I suggest instead of telling us what you see, tell us what's happening. For something like this, you may want to focus more on the clouds and their actions rather than yours, if you know what I mean. If you do that, it'll cut back on some of the wording and really put emphasis on the sun. If you'd rather leave yourself in there, that's fine. Just be sure to tie yourself to the sun and it's actions, otherwise your presence in the song is trivial and unneeded. You need a role in what's happening.

The next few lines are exactly what I'm talking about. Instead of saying that you saw the wind moving waves, you're telling us that it's happening. You're out of the picture and only focused on the imagery.

Docked upon the trees
The wind is calm and slowly moving waves
Instead of wasting space with linking verbs, try to take those predicate adjectives and just put them up there with the subject. Put more action in there. For example, you could say "The calm wind [insert nice present progressive verb of your choice that provides better imagery], " and then maybe you could have the next part as a spiffy participle,"... slowly moving the waves." This way, the song stays interesting.
Of orange to cover grey
IDK, maybe it's just me, but you've used orange an awful lot. Be careful with too uch repetition.
As orange turns into a miraculous blue
The sun is gaining speed
Same thing here, I'm not a big fan of present progressive tense in songs, because you so much easily fit more in with the use of participles. I'll make the same suggestion here, but it's up to you. Whatever you think is best, man.
The waters of the creek slowly turn as they meet
The crooks and turns of Earth
Hmmm... you used turn again, but with a different meaning. Be careful with repetition like this. Sounds like a cop out to me.
Running peacefully and slowly dripping down
Into nature's waterfalls

Overall, this stanza has great imagery and really sets up a mood effeciently.

____Chorus____
So close your eyes
And take a look into
What you ought to do
Whatevers best for you
I would just go ahead and say "Whatever is.."
And leave it all behind
Tell it all goodbye
You wont be
Seeing any of it anymore
So take a look inside
Switch the gears to drive
And leave this place behind
You can look forward
To another life
One you've spoken to
And tell the rest of this
You're saying your goodbyes

Okay, because of this verse, I seriously recommend you take yourself out of the first verse. It sounds like you're adressing someone and that can be done much more effectively if you exclude yourself. Nice verse, though. Flows well.

___Verse___
The sun is now overhead
Half past noon is what it said
Forced rhyming? Really don't like this line.
The water flows more rapid in the life
Of the deep blue sea
Since you aren't really making a comparison, I suggest you change 'more rapid' to 'rapidly'.
Clouds are hanging over head blocking
The midsummer sun
As the sky changes to a darker blue
The day is already done

I don't like the last line. I think you could end this a lot better than that. Of course, it may just be me. Overall, I like the stanza as a whole, it's a great ending. That last line just needs a little work.

Well, I hope this helps you a bit. I really like this, you have nice imagery and vocab. Great job, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep