#1
So... a song. First in a while. I'd put it in a slighly depressed britrockfunkindie genre. Stone Roses, anyone? Keyword- singalongability

Critique for critique, you're gauranteed if you leave a link please

Enjoy


//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//

there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though it won't be with me
stay inside, read up on lies
try your hardest believe

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way

there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though It won't be with me
feast on our lives and luxuries
drink up a glass of miseries

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way to survive
to survive
to survive

//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 24, 2007,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
So... a song. First in a while. I'd put it in a slighly depressed britrockfunkindie genre. Stone Roses, anyone? Keyword- singalongability

Critique for critique, you're gauranteed if you leave a link please

Enjoy


//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//

i liked it till here



there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though it won't be with me
stay inside, read up on lies
try your hardest believe

i like the repition it gives some sort of a feeel but maybe an alternation will make much more impact


people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way
ok if you want to keep the whole people say scheme
i have one suggestion try alteration in last line like

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the real paradise // i edited most it hampered to flow a little bit atleast in melody i was tryimg to sing
people say we'll smile almost every day
people think it's there only way

but personally i dont like repetitions



there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though It won't be with me
feast on our lives and luxuries
drink up a glass of miseries

i liked it

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way to survive
to survive
to survive

way to survive should be repeated instead of to survive and should be sung on one octave high


//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//


overall i liked it . i am srry id ont know what exactly is britrockfunkindie genre . so i made up my own melody and i crited song acording to that . but it sounded good in my head
Hi
#3
//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//
((good stuff. so this is an intro? nifty. "into the sky" is a line i've heard a thousand times, but it works here))


there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though it won't be with me
stay inside, read up on lies
try your hardest believe
((cool cool. the rhymes don't sound forced, almost sounds like a limerick what with the 4th line. : ) ))

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way
((I don't get this stanza, but it sounds like it would play out well to music. i've noticed that in a lot of songs, there are sections that i don't get, but they turn out to be my fav. ))

there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though It won't be with me
feast on our lives and luxuries
drink up a glass of miseries
(("luxuries" and "miseries" is a weird rhyme, but that's getting picky))

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way to survive
to survive
to survive
((so this is the chorus?))

//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//
((i'm glad you repeated this, it's my favorite part of this song. ))

Overall, it's a good good effort. I'd like to hear it set to music 'cause i feel like it would clear a few things up for me. thanks for the crit on my first piece, it helped a lot, and now i know why. : )

if you want to crit something of mine... well, you can't. i've posted my 2 for the week. sooo i guess just keep an eye out. thanks!
#4
"people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way"

I really don't like this stanza. The rhyming seemed too forced, and the repetition of "people" annoyed me.

I also don't like the repitition of kerosene in the first and last stanzas. The whole thing is a clever idea, though, just not carried out as good as it could be.

Mine's in my sig, if you don't mind.
Wade in the water, child.
#5
//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//
droping out of sky is a bit overused, but its not bad here

there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though it won't be with me
stay inside, read up on lies
try your hardest believe
idk, just me but i didnt like repeating of the first 2 lines

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way
repeating the people say' 4 times was a bit annoying, but it works

there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though It won't be with me
feast on our lives and luxuries
drink up a glass of miseries

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way to survive
to survive
to survive

//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//
hm, not much i can point out in this one, its good, i like how u use basicly the same verse, but change some lines in it, but some of the repeating i pointed out was slightly annoying, but not very. nice job, thx for the crit on mine, sorry mine wasnt as helpful
#6
//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
The repetition of kerosene sort of bothers me. You don't have a similar structure set up between the two lines, it looks to me like you just have two lines that just happen to have kerosene in them. You have the similar structure with "Smile at me.... Come fly with me.", but then the other two lines are completely different. I suggest you rewrite one of the two lines for a similar structure, or just not use kerosene again. You may want to go the route of the latter if the former sounds way too repetitive and child-like to you. I don't know... whatever you think is best, man.
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
Hmm... I don't know if I exactly understand how you can drop someone out. Odd terminology. (Probably just me, if you could clarify. Thanks.)
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//

there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though it won't be with me
stay inside, read up on lies
try your hardest believe

I like this verse. The repetition of the first two lines add some nice emphasis. Great assonance on L4, it flows extremely well and is pretty subtle in my opinion.

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way

Okay, this is probably the weakest stanza of the whole thing, IMO. The rhyming for the last two lines are way to simple for my tastes and it's pretty obvious from the previous verses you can write alot better than that. The repeating of people is a tad bit annoying, but I think if you were to change the verbs tacked to them, it may be a bit better. To me, claim would work alot better than say. I don't know.. I think it gets your point across better. Plus, you won't have the irritating, nursery rhyme (probably unintentional) of say and way in the last line that really just throws the whole thing off. Another thing, L2, is phrased really awkwardly. Who says 'the most real paradise'? Surely, there's another way you could say that. Most real is really odd sounding, in my opinion.


there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though It won't be with me
feast on our lives and luxuries
drink up a glass of miseries
Because you said 'our lives' I think you should probably say 'your glass'. To me, it flows and fits in a bit better. (Just throwing this out there, but 'lives of luxuries' sounded better to me. Just a suggestion, though. It probably interferes with the message you're trying to get across... IDK. Whatever you think is best.)

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way to survive
to survive
to survive

Well, I suppose this could work. I like the repetition of 'to survive', see the similar stanzas comments.

//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//

See above.

Overall, this is cool. I like the overall message and your voice in the song. I don't have many other suggestions than the ones I made above. Well, I hope this helps you at least a little bit.

Great job, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#7
//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//

Umm I like it for the content, I like the idea, and the images, they are obvious but it seems more a planned obvious than a cliche mistake. But I'm not a fan of the repeating of "kerosene" the first time felt drammatic, the second well, not, lol. Theres not alot to say about this, its simple and to the point.

there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though it won't be with me
stay inside, read up on lies
try your hardest believe

See here for me, I loose sight of the "planned" aspect and it just reads as though you've settled for the very least possible. Theres room here to turn this up a notch and just get something more from the ideas. Just in regards to how you go about expressing the ideas. I am very much in admiration of your style. But this just falls short of that line, for me. I know we have varying tastes.

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way

This part felt better, like the first stanza in fact. I wasn't a fan of "real" in the second line, since heaven aesthetically is an etheral place, to a word that reflects realism isn't fitting imo. It could be the intention, but then it'd be alone in what its trying to say, since none of the other lines around it compliment the idea.

there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though It won't be with me
feast on our lives and luxuries
drink up a glass of miseries

Like the change here, the lines are far stronger. Still not a fan of the other lines.

people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way to survive
to survive
to survive

//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//

Overall I line the ideas here, and although there seems little to actually chew on, theres a deeper message there, and you just have to apply yourself to the piece to get the full effect. I do like it, I dont love it like some of your other works. Due to the fact I find it, too simple. But in essence its all there.

Sorry thats a lame crit, I'll give your next a better manicure. I did also give my piece a slight revision, its slightly less vague now in places, and got rid of the "mist-cloud" I agree it was shit. :p

peACE man.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
I thought this was a good piece. The whole thing had a nice flow.

The first verse seemed as though it was all a bit cliched (except when you mentioned kerosene). Strangely, the cliches worked, and sounded good. The second verse was weaker, because I didn't like the 'stay inside, read up on the lies'. The whole repeated "ticket out of here" aspect was good however.

The people say part was, for me, a highlight. It's been mentioned a few times, but I agree 'the most real paradise' doesn't work at all. Maybe change it to 'people say it's the only paradise'? And imo the 'almost' in the next line doesn't work. If you're skeptical about heaven, it's because you don't think people can smile all the time, so saying they smile 'almost' all the time doesn't work. (Plus it just breaks up the flow)

The next part about miseries and luxuries was very good, and the addition of survive to the earlier part too.

(And if you'll crit 'this has destroyed us' in my sig, I'd be grateful.)
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#9
Afternoon old chum.
Quote by Jammydude44



//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart Awful line, it must be said.
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky// Not convinced by these last four lines.
Fantastic first three lines, but then this stanza just... lost it. I get the impression that you had a spark of inspiration that gave you those good lines, but then struggled to come up with more for that stanza, which tends to happen. Well, i'm prepared to be proven wrong!
there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though it won't be with me
stay inside, read up on lies
try your hardest believe
Would sound pretty good chanted, those first two lines, but the closing lines are very flimsy in my view to be part of a chorus. Dare i say it, even cliched.
people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way
Again, very flimsy - there's just nothing to grab onto. Of course, it's not the idea that's the problem for me, it's just the way you described it.
there's a ticket out of here
there's a ticket out of here
though It won't be with me
feast on our lives and luxuries
drink up a glass of miseries
This was significantly better than the last one of these repeating stanzas.
people say there's a heaven in the sky
people say it's the most real paradise
people say we'll smile almost every day
people say it's the only way to survive
to survive
to survive
Same as before really.
//smile at me
as you swallow kerosene
come fly with me
powered by your kerosene
warm my heart
don't you ever drop me out
don't you ever drop me
into the sky
into the sky//
Ok, better ending, but there's still that warm my heart line!


This lacked enough conviction for me, which is unfortunate. It seemed odd that you mentioned the kerosine, and then didn't mention it again until the ending, therefore, the meaning of this wasn't clear.
Well, that's where i'm at with this.

Link in the sig if you please sir.
#10
Good to see you Calum

Only you could have a blimin' short story for me to critique

I'll get to it... in due course

Thanks everyone, great feedback. Please, let me know if you have something I cn critique back on, leave a link though, i'm not going searching
#11
Well you've gotten a lot of full critiques that made a lot of points I agree with.

The fourth and fifth lines of the first stanza are definitely subpar. What does "Try your hardest believe" mean? Do you mean to add a "to" between hardest and believe? Either that or it needs punctuation: "Try your hardest; believe".

Both "heaven in the sky" and "most real paradise" are flimsy phrases in my opinion: obviously heaven is in the sky, maybe say "People say there's a world in the sky/People say it's a real paradise". I also thought "almost" in the next line was extraneous.

What place does a "glass of miseries" have in your happy little song? It's literally the only phrase with a negative connotation in the entire thing, and it doesn't fit because of that. That stanza in general seems like it could use a little work.

Overall I thought this was good for what you were going for but it needs to be tighter. You say a few things that are either redundant or make little sense in a few spots. Good work though.
#12
It quite amazes me no-one realises this song is quite depressing.

Swallow Kerosene is hinting to suicide?

Thanks Corey
#13
True, but i don't think that the song as a whole is of a very depressing nature, although i can't hear the actual song.
#14
i don't have anything new to say.

i agree with everything corey had to say
and a lot of what other people said too.

i'm sorry! i swear i'll do your next one
before anyone else can steal my criticism!

I just want to sleep forever.


#15
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
True, but i don't think that the song as a whole is of a very depressing nature, although i can't hear the actual song.


No, it's not a wholly depressing song, but I'm surprised very few people commented on those parts. There's a story behind it, but I don't wish to tell it. There's a mixed message from this, which is what I was actually going for. Works in my mind anyway

No worries Kyle, I'll have something new up soon you can tuck into