#1
Li'l break from the exploration pieces.

Walked home last night and kinda got the idea for this, so this is basically OTS, I've touched up a few parts, and normally I wouldn't post this but I figured I'd show you all the stuff I write day to day, not just the highly refined pieces I normally post. If you dont know what the title means, look it up, its integral to the piece.


Tableau Vivant

Aside from svelte lines, circles of precipitation
would leave trails of their
whereabouts,
beyond the reach of evantide and eyes.
Scopic arms lash at unmarkedsurfaces;
hands hiding in pockets,
puddles I'd neither sink nor swim in.
Rationality left with the brake lights; sashaying instupor,
yet I remain,
with the aspiration to;
klaw, elbmuts, pots - spark a cigarette - dna
eunitnoc.
But the mitigation of monochromeat night,
courses irony to submiss in the headlights,
that construe;
an archetypal form,
an avatar of the milieu
set statical, within the mist of implicits amidst the fog:
phonetics made of manila paper fester behind
faltering teeth, since
inertia can be found curled up in the crease of the map.
I'dtip my trilby to you, but
I'm frozen for the fear of being struck down in my prime,
by an errant raindrop - after all,
my cigarette was left so visibly scarred by the ordeal.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 25, 2007,
#2
hm, ive always wondered wat OTS means, oh and for future ppl, Tableau Vivant, means:
A scene presented on stage by costumed actors who remain silent and motionless as if in a picture.


Aside from svelte lines, circles of precipitation
would leave trails of their where-
abouts, beyond the reach of eventide and eyes.
Extended arms lash at unmarked surfaces;
hands hiding in pockets,
puddles I neither sink nor swim in.
Rationality left with the brake lights; sashaying instupor,--------'sashaying'? is it to be swaying? or mabe no?
yet I remain,
with the aspiration to;
klaw, elbmuts, pots - spark a cigarette - dna
uenitnoc.
----these lines i dont get at all.
The mitigation of monochromeat night,
irony caught in the headlights.
An archetypal form construes,
an avatar of the milieu.i like how this line rhymes with the one b4.
through a mist cloud of implicits amidst the fog:
phonetics made of manila paper fester behind
faltering teeth, since
inertia can be found curled up in the crease of the map.
I'd tip my trilby to you, but
I'm frozen for the fear of being struck down in my prime,
by an errant raindrop - after my cigarette was
left so visibly scarred by the ordeal.


hm, to me, it seemed a little hard to follow, like i didnt kno whos perspective it was taken from,till the end.so i was confused a little.but i do like the originality of ur theme here, unique, no 1 ive seen has done it b4.but i was sad to see u didnt put in a internal poem into this one, seeing how its one of my favorite aspects to ur writing.so jsut for the fun of it, im ganna make my own internal poem out of wat u go there.....

lines
trail
beyond
arms,
hiding,
in
rationality
yet i remian
caught in
inertia.

hm, sad thing is its better than anything else ive wrote. but i like this piece alot, but still not my favorite from u. my all time favorite is exploration #4 i think its called.i pointed out some mabe spelling errors, or mabe u meant them to be that way, but i got a automatic spelling checker on the web, so im using it.

if u wanna leave a small crit back, dont worry, i dont want any crits on wat ive got out now, [cuz their not to good]just return it when i post something new if u could.
#3
Sure will do man (about the critique) Oh and OTS means On The Spot.

As for the spelling mistakes, I've chosen to combine the words, just to make you re-read them, to check it right, I'm trying to give them more weight, but I am moving them about all time. Struck, yes was a spelling error. And the words in the middle are intentional.

I actually have only started doing the internal poems with the Exploration series, I have 5 in total now, so you'll see a new one soon enough man.

Thank you for the kinda words.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4

Tableau Vivant

Aside from svelte lines, circles of precipitation
would leave trails of their where-
abouts, beyond the reach of evantide and eyes.

This is good.

Extended arms lash at unmarkedsurfaces;
hands hiding in pockets,
puddles I neither sink nor swim in.


I like the combining of words, I have since I read a piece by e. e. cummings using it. I think it greatly adds to the flow. As for the actual stanza I think it's a strange contrast to the one before it. You go from using long powerful words to something simple that even I can understand. I don't really like that.

Rationality left with the brake lights; sashaying instupor,

Strange metaphor.

yet I remain,
with the aspiration to;
klaw, elbmuts, pots - spark a cigarette - dna
uenitnoc.
The mitigation of monochromeat night,

I really don't like "The mitigation" it just seems awkward to me...

irony caught in the headlights.

I think this isn't that great, you could do better.

An archetypal form construes,
an avatar of the milieu.
through a mist cloud of implicits amidst the fog:
phonetics made of manila paper fester behind
faltering teeth, since
inertia can be found curled up in the crease of the map.

I'dtip my trilby to you, but
I'm frozen for the fear of being struck down in my prime,
by an errant raindrop - after all, my cigarette was
left so visibly scarred by the ordeal.

Love this ending. You went from complicated to fairly simple again, but this time I loved it. It seemed like you captured real fear. Someone scared witless.

Amazing overall, but wasn't expecting anything less.
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Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#5
here's the thing man.. i love the words, i love the expressions, i love the way you can string sounds and phrases together. in all, it sounds beautiful...

... but it doesn't mean a damn thing to me. it sounds like language poetry, with lines like "shovel calligraphy under my door and i'll sell the mansion for a grown-up dog." <--- this is an actual phrase used by a reknowned language poet. it makes little, if any, sense, but it sounds real cool.

so, in closing, you have a unique style and a distinct voice, but to me it's impressionistic rather than poetic.

i know this crit is the opposite of helpful, but i thought i'd leave you with my thoughts since you did a nice crit on my piece- thanks for that, btw. 'twas very very helpful, the first real criticism i had received on it.

: )
#6
I dont quite understand, I see your view, but this is a moment in time, a desciption of the moment from the point of view of someone scared to go outside. How is that impressionist? I cant even back you up by saying, I dont expect you to relate cause Its so personal. But its about a guy (me) staring at the rain, scared to step outside cause its raining so hard. We've all done it, everyone. So I dont have a profound message on life...I dont mean to sound arrogant, but you slightly annoyed me in ruling this meaningless.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
what i mean is i didn't get much meaning out of it. it means a lot to you, and from all the glowing reviews it means a lot to other people as well. i'm merely commenting on the fact that to me, it's more of an abstract or impressionistic painting rather than a still-life. savvy?

no offense intended, and i hope none is taken. : )
Last edited by ndakasimba at Feb 24, 2007,
#8
hm, i dont kno wat a impressionist is, but i thought it was about a person on stage, by the title, so i kinda interpreted it that way.but i just noticed how u go from big words to words i can understand back to big words like alk 3 said.hm, but i guess writing can be taken several ways. oh steve, did u get my pm to u containing my newb comp entry? i wasnt sure.
#9
Tableau Vivant

Aside from svelte lines, circles of precipitation
would leave trails of their where-
I really dislike thi slinebreak.
abouts, beyond the reach of evantide and eyes.
Scopic arms lash at unmarkedsurfaces;
Space needed between these last two words?
hands hiding in pockets,
This sentence seems almost too simple for you. Therefore It's too simple for the piece, it doesn't fir imo.
puddles I neither sink nor swim in.
Rationality left with the brake lights; sashaying instupor,
yet I remain,
with the aspiration to;
klaw, elbmuts, pots - spark a cigarette - dna
uenitnoc.
I have no idea about your meaning of doing that, but eh, I thin kwe've all come to expect it from you I'm sat here thinking that spark a cigarette is some killer anagram or something lol
The mitigation of monochromeat night,
irony submissed in the headlights.
An archetypal form construes,
I don't like how thi sline reads.
an avatar of the milieu.
through a mist cloud of implicits amidst the fog:
"mist cloud" is horrible imo, I mean, mist is a cloud, so mist cloud doesn't cut it for me.
phonetics made of manila paper fester behind
faltering teeth, since
inertia can be found curled up in the crease of the map.
I'dtip my trilby to you, but
I'm frozen for the fear of being struck down in my prime,
by an errant raindrop - after all, my cigarette was
left so visibly scarred by the ordeal.
This sort of wrapped it up nicely for me. Though I feel it's kind of too simple an ending, if you get me. Like, I was expecting the ending to be more subtle, a bit more cryptic, and then it was almost served up on a plate in the end. Course thats just my opinion..

Eh, I tried.

In my sig, if you could Steve
#11
Thanks everyone, I've made a few revisions to this one, based on crits. So its taking shape now, I think the flow is pretty gd now. Thanks again guys. ^ teehee lol.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#12
is it supposed to say "contineu"?

anyways. i liked it.

the combining words thing was
kind of confusing, and i understand
that you wanted to emphasize the
words, but i think there's a better
way to do it that isn't so confusing.

I just want to sleep forever.


#13
aha!! those lines read: "walk, stumble, stop, light a cigarette and continue"- well, sorta. i think you spelled continue as "contineu," but whatev. you have no idea how much that bothered me until i figured it out just now.
#14
Yeah Kyle I'm thinking about changing the adjoined words. I'll try both.

^ndak I wondered who got them and who didn't, no one mentioned it, so I figured everyone thought I made them up, or over looked them knowing my penchant for large words.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#17
Tableau Vivant
((spiffy title, +1))

Aside from svelte lines, circles of precipitation
would leave trails of their whereabouts,
beyond the reach of evantide and eyes.
((amazing description))

Scopic arms lash at unmarkedsurfaces;
hands hiding in pockets,

puddles I'd neither sink nor swim in.
((dunno why, but this line stuck out at me, in the good way))

Rationality left with the brake lights; sashaying instupor,
yet I remain,
with the aspiration to;
klaw, elbmuts, pots - spark a cigarette - dna
eunitnoc.
But the mitigation of monochromeat night,
courses irony to submiss in the headlights,
that construe; ((one for vocab?))
an archetypal form,
an avatar of the milieu
set statical, within the mist of implicits amidst the fog:
phonetics made of manila paper fester behind
faltering teeth, since
inertia can be found curled up in the crease of the map.
I'd tip my trilby to you, but
I'm frozen for the fear of being struck down in my prime,
by an errant raindrop - after all, my cigarette was
left so visibly scarred by the ordeal.
((as much as I hate cigs, that was pretty badass))


No apparent flaws, 10/10
#18
yeah i read it before i looked up the word then looked it up and read it again and it got ever better and more clever for me

so many great ideas in one piece = nice
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#19
Quote by Grovermans
pfft i got it.

but i thought "dna" actually meant dna for a bit.



hehe yeah I thought that was pretty cool when it came out. I thought about trying to tie something in with it, regarding the smoking, but figured it would change the pieces direction, and I'd have to split up the backwards parts, expect it in another piece soon though. So yeah. Thanks guys above its cool you dig it. As I said this is one of my day-to-day pieces, so I may post more, we'll see.

Thanks everyone.


WOOO 6,000th post (shhh Kyle G.)
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#21
"Rationality left with the brake lights; sashaying instupor," <- To be drunk, or disorientated, so I thought why not make the reader feel the same too. That and I wanted to write "pots" too.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#23
if those conjoinedwords were intentional and not the end result of a malfunctioning keyboard, theyre ace, i really like. some of the words get a bit esoteric for the great unwashed, but are still beautiful.

an avatar of the milieu. great line.


last line break (was/let) is pretty awkward, end the piece smoothly...the disjointed feel is alright earlier in the piece, but not here.


great stuff.

jay
#24
Fixed the end Jay. Reads better now IMO. Yeah the joined words are intentional, just figured in places it would enhance the focus on the important words. Thanks man it means alot.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#25
I prefer the more literal sense of the title for this piece, than Sir Raggle's definition. It is more apt, in my opinion.

Being this is one of very, very few pieces I actually feel I have some understanding of, I'm not sure I have ever felt this way, and I don't see where it comes from. I think I understand it either too clearly, or I am missing the entity and its frame entirely.

To the sir who stated this as impressionistic, I am to assume you mean in terms of literature, and you are therefore correct in reminiscence only. This is not impressionistic work, despite the overall feel of the piece as a whole. Besides, impressionism is more commonly found in novels.

EDIT: I can't spell.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Feb 26, 2007,
#26
I liked it. But I also like songs that can be easily singed ever heard Frusciante? anyway, It was good and I had that feeling "i must go on reading" it wasn't like " okay i read becuase i wanna be nice" :P btw do you smoke?
There are two types of music, good music and bad music.

Don't let anyone tell YOU what good music is. Make up your own mind
#27
^ It isn't really meant as a song, with a few edits and some solid flow changes I could, and often do with my pieces, but this version is a poem only.

Yeah Frusciante RHCP guitarist, I like some of his solo stuff. And yes I do smoke.

Thanks man.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#28
damn you and your stylish writing!
as per, this shows obvious intelligence.
most writers on here would take months to write something of this calibre, and there you are doing it on the spot.

It reminds me of Why? from clouddead. very poetic

i like the idea of the backwards words, but i think the meaning behind it gets kinda lost. maybe you could relate it to the rest of the piece more.

but like i say, its quality stuff. i always enoy reading your work.
the last line is beautiful. i really dug that part.

nice work, sorry for the lameness of the crit, but this is really good. id like to see it maybe developed a little more.

Peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#29
I'm in love with this. I kind of have the feeling of wanting to have a baby with it or something. Not but seriously this has got to be one of the best things i've seen on ug. Personally i have no room to really crit this one, I think it's extremely flawless, I've been writting lyrics for a long while, and i'm usually able to spot something i don't like but I love everything about this piece in all honesty.

Magnificent
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