#1
I could hide under the moon
Where the sun don’t shine
And the grass is blue
Who needs the day?
When the night is in view

A nothing rambler
Entertaining the stars
Delusions of love
And fake cigars
Die for nothing
Or so I’m told
Skim a stone in the river
While the cold wind blows
And if it sinks
Then you should go
Run to church
And cleanse your soul
Can’t go to heaven while the moon still shows

Flies are tangled in lusting prayers
In moonlights web I’ll bask
The sun won’t come
To liars hands
Doesn’t matter how many times they ask

Maybe I died sometime ago
Drowned in the river
Searching for my stone
How was I supposed to know?
Jesus can walk
But pretenders don’t.


I could hide under the moon
Where the sun don’t shine
And the grass is blue
Who needs the day?
When the night is in view
Who needs heaven?
When the night will do.
#2
I thought this was a very interesting piece with good use of imagery and language, but I didn't like the flow. It's hard to get an impression since I'm only reading it but I can't see it flowing well. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to correct that without drastically changing the piece, which would not be a clever idea.

I thought the phrase 'a nothing rambler' was very good, and the way the first stanza was added to at the end was great too. The continual reference to the moon was good, and the parts about heaven and 'cleanse your soul' were good.

There were two things I would change:
'Doesn't matter how many times they ask' I would alter to be 'No matter how much they ask'.
Secondly, I didn't like the 'How was I supposed to know'. It just doesn't fit very well.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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#3
Oh crap man, the title of my piece is "Questions 'Bout To Break" And its about night time, I think I kinda got the whole idea from your song title, but then put my own feelings into it... I really don't like the un-evenness of the stanzas, thus mildly putting me off reading it. But I did read it, and I couldn't get a flow in my head, like the guy above said... So yeah... Erm nothing else to say, but I loved the words, just wish you would position them better =]