#1
Well, I had no idea what to call it so before this thread I posted it wihtout a title calling it soemthing like "my first errrh lyrics...", but then someone pointed out I must use the title as the thread title, so I just made up that shitty one...

Hmm... this is my first set of lyrics after reading some tips off UG, and it is by far my best set, its pretty short, but its one of my first. This is embarrissing =\

Don't make me feel bad, I've got to go bed soon, I don't wanna sleep on something you've said kay?

And if you give me some crit I'll TRY to crit back yours, but as I've given you the impression I'm really not that much of a lyricist.

Oh yeah, I haven't really left it alone for a day, then come back to it, I wrote it in about 10 mins, maybe more...

Here goes:

The shadows of the cats jumping roof to roof

The barking of the dogs as they hear the sound of fall

The fear that you get, the chill running down your spine

All because you can’t go to sleep and its as dark as bright…

Everything you say comes out the opposite way

Everything you do is eventually washed away

The thoughts are in your head as though you hate them so

When really, jealousy is the case, trust me ‘cause I know

I know you think you’re right when really you’re so wrong

I know you look so bright when you’re as dumb as Donkey-Kong

I know everything you do, every movement that you make

I know I’ll have to be there, be there at your wake

Thanks! -doom
#4
You shouldn't space it alot, and try separating it into stanzas. (I did it for you)

The shadows of the cats jumping roof to roof
The barking of the dogs,
as they hear the sound of fall
The fear that you get,
the chill running down your spine
All because you can’t go to sleep and its as dark as bright… This stanza didn't rhyme at all but its still good.

Everything you say comes out the opposite way
Everything you do is eventually washed away
The thoughts are in your head,
as though you hate them so.
When really, jealousy is the case,
trust me ‘cause I know. I really liked your rhyming scheme AABCDC

I know you think you’re right,
when really you’re so wrong.
I know you look so bright,
when you’re as dumb as Donkey-Kong Try to use a better metaphor, and this sounded like a forced rhyme
I know everything you do,
every movement that you make
I know I’ll have to be there, be there at your wake I liked this last stanza the most

This was a really good piece, i really liked it and sorry for taking so long to crit. 4.5/5
#5
Lol thanks, it was worth the wait, and thanks for seperating the stanzas I really didn't know how to do that xD

ANd yeah the DK part was kinda lame lol...
#8
I like it. i linked from your sig an thought it would be music on myspace or something. it sounds good though, im lyrically retarded though...so you shouldnt listen to me, haha

hey can you crit my new song on myspace, its the one titled "original song 1" the link is in sig. thanks either way.
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#9
i like it except for "I know you look so bright when you’re as dumb as Donkey-Kong"

if u want u could say,

I know you look so bright
when you were dumb along


but other then that donkeu kong part it was good keep it up

CRIT MINE PLEASE
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544276
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#10
Quote by TeXaS_db
i like it except for "I know you look so bright when you’re as dumb as Donkey-Kong"

if u want u could say,

I know you look so bright
when you were dumb along


but other then that donkeu kong part it was good keep it up

CRIT MINE PLEASE
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544276


THANKS MAN, I had been look for a good rhyme for that for AGES. I will the above people now =]
#11
Quote by Prototype4342
I like it. i linked from your sig an thought it would be music on myspace or something. it sounds good though, im lyrically retarded though...so you shouldnt listen to me, haha

hey can you crit my new song on myspace, its the one titled "original song 1" the link is in sig. thanks either way.


Hey man, I liked the start, but it seemed to drag on for a little too long. Other than that I liked it, especially switching between clean and dist.