#1
This is my second song attempt......


Intro

Does it even matter now?
Stop lieing to yourself,
why dont you just try to understand?
Why not, Why not, Oh Wow!
Just die on the other hand!
Walk this way towards me,
if the truth you wish to see,
It's better than you think.

Chorus

Why not! Why not!
Dont hide the truth (You really shouldn't)
Dont know what i'm talking about? (What A Dumass)
Dont make me laugh (not like you could)
Truth is Fact, so try not to doubt.

Verse 1

You think your funny,
you laugh at everything,
but cant you tell noone,
laughs with you?
You just have to,
say stupid shit, like "Shun..." (WTF?)

Chorus

Why not! Why not!
Dont hide the truth (You really shouldn't)
Dont know what i'm talking about? (What A Dumass)
Dont make me laugh (not like you could)
Truth is Fact, so try not to doubt.

Verse 2

Yes, you have friends,
I can easly tell,
but do you actually think,
that they laugh with you?
Are you sure? (Really?)
Take a stronger drink,
and ask yourself again. (Cant you see?)
Hint Hint: Your not funny.

Bridge

Listen closely.
You try to say stuff thats "funny",
but you seem to make that happen.
If you keep lieing to yourself,
you will see that its, just a waste of our Money.
Next time try and actually listen. (Yeah)

Chorus

Why not! Why not!
Dont hide the truth (You really shouldn't)
Dont know what i'm talking about? (What a Dumass)
Dont make me laugh (not like you could)
Truth is Fact, so try not to doubt.

Outro

So are you convinced of the truth?
and nothing but the truth?
You really should be,
well try and take it from me,
your NOT FU.CKING FUNNY.


I dont like my outro.. crits and suggestions welcomed..
Last edited by axe395 at Feb 24, 2007,
#2
Try this... *clears throat*

Reet, Reet, Breeeeet... (high pitch) ahhhhhhhhh!


jk. It wasn't bad. Just the way the chorus is written, it seems jumbled. I don't know how it's played, so I can't make an accurate response.
#3
I think the chorus doesn't fit with the rest.. lol, i'll try to fix it later, thx for your crit.
#4
Does it even matter now?
Stop lieing to yourself,
why dont you just try to understand?
Why not, Why not, Oh Wow!force rhyme, now,wow. this line isnt good at all
Just die on the other hand!sal, stop telling pple to die in ur songs, its not nice.lol
Walk this way towards me,
if the truth you wish to see,worded wierdly, u tried to maek it rhyme, thats why
It's way better than you think.
last line is, eh.... take out the way atleast
Chorus

Why not! Why not!
Dont hide the truth (You really shouldn't)this line i really liked
Dont know what i'm talking about? (Huh?)worded wierdly, and the 'huh' its kinda lame
Dont make me laugh (not like you could)this lien is decent, not as good as the first line tho
Truth is truth, so try not to doubt.last part of this line is worded wierd

Verse 1

You think your funny,
you laugh at everything,
but cant you tell noone,
laughs with you?
You just have to,
say stupid shit, like "Shun..."
is whole verse isnt very good last line, 'shun' doesnt make sense to the reader, and forced rhyme with noone
Chorus

Why not! Why not!
Dont hide the truth (You really shouldn't)
Dont know what i'm talking about? (Huh?)
Dont make me laugh (not like you could)
Truth is truth, so try not to doubt.

Verse 2

Yes, you have friends,
I can easly tell,
but do you actually think,
that they laugh with you?u already basicly used this line in previous verse
Are you sure? (Really?)
Take a stronger drink,
and yourself again. (Cant you see?)and urself again, doesnt make sense
Hint Hint: Your not funny.if this is a song, the hint hint wouldnt work imo
this verse is basicly a repeat of the other one
Bridge

Listen closely.
You try to say stuff thats "funny",
but you seem to make that happen.
If you keep lieing to yourself,
you will see that its, just a waste of our Money.forced rhyme, money,funny.
Next time try and actually listen. (Yeah)

Chorus

Why not! Why not!
Dont hide the truth (You really shouldn't)
Dont know what i'm talking about? (Huh?)
Dont make me laugh (not like you could)
Truth is truth, so try not to doubt.

Outro

So are you convinced of the truth?
and nothing but the truth?
You really should be,
well try and take it from me,
your NOT FU.CKING FUNNY.last line is so u, but doesnt work with it.

ok sal im sorry, but i think this is ur worst one yet. im telling u as a friend, im gana be honest with u,and not butter u up with nice things that arnt true. seems like u were uninspired,just wrote it for the heck of it, lots of forced rhyme, remember, it doesnt have to rhyme.mabe ur just better at poems.u also repeated the same messenge over and over and over again, in each verse.sorry for sounding mean about this, im being honest.just wait till ur REALLY inspired.
#5
The shun part would make sense to the reader, and the whole point was to be repetive.
#7
Ok "Shun the non-believer" is something this person says to make themselve seem funny.. so i just put "shun" instead of the whole phrase.. when they read it, they will immediatly know.
#9
Nope not to me, someone else, but anyways i edited it, check it out
#12
Quote by axe395
This is my second song attempt......


Intro

Does it even matter now?
Stop lieing to yourself,
why dont you just try to understand?
Why not, Why not, Oh Wow!
Just die on the other hand!
Walk this way towards me,
if the truth you wish to see,
It's better than you think.

Hmm, For the intro this doesn't produce much imagery to set the pace for the song... and kind of confuses me... Maybe it is the wording.

Chorus

Why not! Why not!
Dont hide the truth (You really shouldn't)
Dont know what i'm talking about? (What A Dumass)
Dont make me laugh (not like you could)
Truth is Fact, so try not to doubt.

seems forced and jumbled. It could be great if worded and phrased better.

Verse 1

You think your funny,
you laugh at everything,
but cant you tell noone,
laughs with you?
You just have to,
say stupid shit, like "Shun..." (WTF?)

Hmm, not my sort of thing... Wish I could produce a more Constructive crit, but as I have about no idea whats going on... that is sort of hard.

Chorus

Why not! Why not!
Dont hide the truth (You really shouldn't)
Dont know what i'm talking about? (What A Dumass)
Dont make me laugh (not like you could)
Truth is Fact, so try not to doubt.

Verse 2

Yes, you have friends,
I can easly tell,
but do you actually think,
that they laugh with you?
Are you sure? (Really?)
Take a stronger drink,
and ask yourself again. (Cant you see?)
Hint Hint: Your not funny.

This one, Amidst all the confusion stands out as the most powerful verse at least in my opinion. I like this stanza.

Bridge

Listen closely.
You try to say stuff thats "funny",
but you seem to make that happen.
If you keep lieing to yourself,
you will see that its, just a waste of our Money.
Next time try and actually listen. (Yeah)

eh it works, but is not too special. These seem to be all over the place, Hard to keep with the story.

Chorus

Why not! Why not!
Dont hide the truth (You really shouldn't)
Dont know what i'm talking about? (What a Dumass)
Dont make me laugh (not like you could)
Truth is Fact, so try not to doubt.

Outro

So are you convinced of the truth?
and nothing but the truth?
You really should be,
well try and take it from me,
your NOT FU.CKING FUNNY.

I kind of liked it... But if you don't, Try some subtlety it goes a long way and a great way to resolve a piece that is all over the place.

I dont like my outro.. crits and suggestions welcomed..



Hmm, As I said, Not my style and sort of hard to crit.

The flow is bad, The imagery is not really there. The verses seem scattered... This takes from the message.

If I were to rate this, I would give it a 4.5/10, But do not take this too seriously, With work, Dedication and improvement this could get much higher. Also, I am not too familiar with this type thus bringing it a lower score, So yes this could be called a biased crit.

If you want to check you another of mine, you can find it here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=526904
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#13
Subtlety?... lol, well thx for the crit and this song will only make sense to the person its about.. lol, the "shun..." is sort of an inside joke, and yeah, its all random and not ordered right, and it repeats but i'm just trying to make a point very clear.. lol, well thx again.