#1
C4C

This refers to an older piece I wrote, but I suggest that you don't read that one. I tried to write simply and tell a story. You decide whether it's good or not.

Wasting days

Well today
I decided that
I would take
a snowball
and toss it
into the current
if only
to watch it melt

...and I decided.
This is my idea of love,
a snowball floating in a stream.


as I
stepped up
to the guard rail
looked down
and picked
a handful of snow
to mold
it came out
as my heart

but I still threw it
though somehow
the snowball
got stuck
in the sky
to hang
a brilliant white
a radiant sliver
of a wasted life

[If the sun is a melon,
the moon is a...?]


In the end,
I guess I never really knew the winter moon.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Feb 24, 2007,
#2
I actually really love how simple it is. It would make a great acoustic track in my opinion
#3
Wasting days

Well, today
I decided that
I would take
a snowball
and
throw it
into the current
only to watch
as it melts

Great start, the line breaks make it slightly difficult to read but nothing anyone cant manage. I thought though certain words would have worked better alone. "Throw" for instance, perhaps watch. For me placing "and" on a single line does nothing for the piece or how I read it, if you want to make those decisions at least have some reasons. Not to say that you didn't but perhaps you didn't make the most of it.

...but then I realized.
This is my idea of love,
a snowball floating in a stream.

I hated "but then I realised" (sorry English) it sounds so childlike, I mean I know you were going simple, but theres educated simple, and childlike simple. There has to be a more purposeful word there. The rest is a nice progression.

as I
stepped-up
to the guard rail
looked down
and picked
a handful of snow
to mold
coming out as
my heart

The end half seemed to read awkward. "...of snow to mold coming out as..." If you are breaking up a sentence (as in S1) then you cannot allow for a hidden piece of grammar, so I'd re-work that part till it reads through smooth.

and I threw
but somehow
the snowball
got stuck
in the sky

This seems rather random, and I'm not sure it works, the rest seemed like a progression, this seems like a step. I mean it works just not sure in conjunction with the rest of the piece, you know.

If the sun is a melon,
the moon is a...?

In the end,
I guess I never really knew the winter moon.

Seemed a weird end, the focus completely changed, I see how it came about I just dont think it happened as smooth as it could have, the other 2 stanzas are huge (In comparison) so the last parts seem to just happen, without cause nor effect. So In short you began well, but were rushed into making and end. If the piece has to go on and on, let it.

peACE

Theres a new piece in my sig, also different for me.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
I edited it. I've had this idea in my head for a while, but only today did I really put it down on paper. Thanks for the crit THW and the comment Niterox.

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.