#1
Heres a short little poem i wrote last night (concerning last night)


The bell sounds and takes its toll
it haunts these hallowed halls and forgets my name
True to its word, so very unlike your soft sporadic heart
Much like the climate to the west you change directions faster than the wind
So set sail on concrete roads,
You'll never reach your destination riding tangents like these.
These flames used to roar but are now left as ashes and a few selected embers
A hearty tone turned to a shallow current.
Was this not where wellness graced?
Wellness, an understatement, this place expelled purification and virtues.
How truly lone I am,
For my name has been forgotten like that of a leaf that falls when autumn arrives.
Soon to be gathered in masses and wasted away.
This night screams atrophy as it wilts and withers away...
Or is it just my memory?
Either way, things haven't been the same recently...


please post some crit, comments, and what you think it means and i'll tell you if youre right
Or just let me know you read it, cuz that also makes me feel special
Last edited by JadeFalcon5 at Feb 24, 2007,
#3
I like it...intresting ideas, colourful vocab...

Quote by JadeFalcon5
and what you think it means


Some sort of cheating...no? Meaning aren't my strong point (not quite sure what half my own stuff is about) just thought I'd have a guess
#4
its kinda hard to pick out

but its about

A girl i know that used to be a really good and nice person who keeps making worse choices now and how i dont care as much as i used to and should
#5
I'll get to this in the morning, its a really well written piece, decent diction too.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
for some reason i can only write well at around 2 AM after something really stressful

I guess I'm like half asleep and i can think clearer
#7
A man of my word.

You may find you write better at 2am because you're so relaxed after the stress, idk, I find that its a productive time too, although the next time I look at the clock its often 6am, and the sun is comin up, but what the hell, its worth it.


The bell sounds and takes its toll
it haunts these hallowed halls and forgets my name
This is awesome, I grabbed already, I did however feel that by beginning it with "A bell" may work better in your favour. Saying "The" denotes one bell, where as "A bell" allows the reader to think of the church down the road.
True to its word, so very unlike your soft sporadic heart
Much like the climate to the west you change directions faster than the wind
So set sail on concrete roads,
You'll never reach your destination riding tangents like these.
This is just superb, I love it, the descriptions read great, and the paint the perfect picture.
These flames used to roar but are now left as ashes and a few selected embers
"But are now" sounded a bit awkward to me, perhap "but now they are left..." would read better. your choice.
A hearty tone turned to a shallow current.
Was this not where wellness graced?
Wellness, an understatement, this place expelled purification and virtues.
I dont think you need the second "wellness" it would read better without it, I bet many would say "wellness" isn't the best word but I think otherwise, I love the conotations of "well" stgnant and settled water.
How truly lone I am,
For my name has been forgotten like that of a leaf that falls when autumn arrives.
Soon to be gathered in masses and wasted away.
This night screams atrophy as it wilts and withers away...
Or is it just my memory?
Either way, things haven't been the same recently...
Great ending too, I wasn't sure about the use of "wasted" but I see it connects with "withers" so I kinda ignored it. Overall this was a great piece, decent descriptions and a really tight piece meaning wise too. I'll keep my eye out for more.

Theres a piece in my sig if you wouldn't mind.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 25, 2007,
#8
The only things I disliked about really came towards the end.

I don't like your use of ellipses in either of the final lines, I think periods are better fitting there. I also think "Either way" in the last line is unnecessary.

Also, you mentioned earlier that your name had been forgotten, so I think "For my name has been forgotten like that of a leaf that falls when autumn arrives" is extraneous. Unless your name was forgotten twice, which isn't the impression I got. It works fine without the line anyways, so you wouldn't even have to rewrite anything.

Good work overall, I enjoyed it.
#9
I like the alliteration, makes it flow well. I like the line "Much like the climate..." and "For my name..." Didn't really get what it was about though, possibly change.
#10
A man of my word.

You may find you write better at 2am because you're so relaxed after the stress, idk, I find that its a productive time too, although the next time I look at the clock its often 6am, and the sun is comin up, but what the hell, its worth it.


The bell sounds and takes its toll
it haunts these hallowed halls and forgets my name
This is awesome, I grabbed already, I did however feel that by beginning it with "A bell" may work better in your favour. Saying "The" denotes one bell, where as "A bell" allows the reader to think of the church down the road.
True to its word, so very unlike your soft sporadic heart
Much like the climate to the west you change directions faster than the wind
So set sail on concrete roads,
You'll never reach your destination riding tangents like these.
This is just superb, I love it, the descriptions read great, and the paint the perfect picture.
These flames used to roar but are now left as ashes and a few selected embers
"But are now" sounded a bit awkward to me, perhap "but now they are left..." would read better. your choice.
A hearty tone turned to a shallow current.
Was this not where wellness graced?
Wellness, an understatement, this place expelled purification and virtues.
I dont think you need the second "wellness" it would read better without it, I bet many would say "wellness" isn't the best word but I think otherwise, I love the conotations of "well" stgnant and settled water.
How truly lone I am,
For my name has been forgotten like that of a leaf that falls when autumn arrives.
Soon to be gathered in masses and wasted away.
This night screams atrophy as it wilts and withers away...
Or is it just my memory?
Either way, things haven't been the same recently...
Great ending too, I wasn't sure about the use of "wasted" but I see it connects with "withers" so I kinda ignored it. Overall this was a great piece, decent descriptions and a really tight piece meaning wise too. I'll keep my eye out for more.

Theres a piece in my sig if you wouldn't mind.

peACE
Steve

any link to a thread?
(thanks for the breakdown btw)

edit: oops nevermind xD
#11
The bell sounds and takes its tolli agree with steve, mabe change the to a
it haunts these hallowed halls and forgets my name
True to its word, so very unlike your soft sporadic heart
Much like the climate to the west you change directions faster than the wind
i like the line, but it is a bit to long in my opinion

So set sail on concrete roads,
You'll never reach your destination riding tangents like these.
These flames used to roar but are now left as ashes and a few selected embers
A hearty tone turned to a shallow current.
Was this not where wellness graced?
Wellness, an understatement, this place expelled purification and virtues.
i didnt like repeating wellness, but i guess it works

How truly lone I am,
For my name has been forgotten like that of a leaf that falls when autumn arrives.
Soon to be gathered in masses and wasted away.
This night screams atrophy as it wilts and withers away...
Or is it just my memory?
Either way, things haven't been the same recently...


ok, not much to point out, i liked it, but the very long lines like the one i pointed out , altho good, were a bit annoying. mabe try to break them up, idk, but do wat u want.
9/10

leave a short crit on 'heart frequency' in my sig if u could
#12
REVISED AS OF 2-25-07

A bell sounds and takes its toll
it haunts these hallowed halls and forgets my name
True to its word, so very unlike your soft sporadic heart
Much like the climate to the west you change directions faster than the wind
So set sail on concrete roads,
You'll never reach your destination riding tangents like these.
These flames used to roar but now they are left as ashes and a few selected embers
A hearty tone turned to a shallow current.
Was this not where wellness graced?
Perfection, an understatement, this place expelled purification and virtues.
How truly lone I am,
For my name has been forgotten like that of a leaf that falls when autumn arrives.
Soon to be gathered in masses and worn down to a threadbare manner.
This night screams atrophy as it wilts and withers away.
Or is it just my memory?
Either way, things haven't been the same recently.


Thanks for the input,
and i'm thinking of changing the name to Threadbared
Last edited by JadeFalcon5 at Feb 28, 2007,