#1
Btw.. alone in my damnation.. etc is the chorus.. just so there is no confusion. hope you guys like....

-------------

No longer will I stand
And let you take a stab at me
Alone I cross these streets
Towards other side of apathy
No longer will I wait
As distance takes a hold of me
Alone I embrace - a new
Life that is defined by me

No more misdirection
And no more sacrifice
No more tides to wash away
A life I can call mine
And once this clears away
What of me will remain?
But a pile of flesh and bones
In attempt to break these chains

Alone in my damnation
I failed to see
The noose around my throat
That kept me under air to breathe

I can't recall one day I
Never gave you everything
When I fealt weak and lost I
I still pushed on endlessly
These days I'm much less human
I'm dead with no heart beating
Just one more reason to remind me
Why I'm so sick of breathing

No more misdirection
And no more sacrifice
No more tides to wash away
A life I can call mine
And once this clears away
What of me will remain?
But a pile of flesh and bones
In attempt to break these chains

Alone in my damnation
I failed to see
The noose around my throat
That kept me under air to breathe
But from here I depart
No more a fool remains
This is your last look at failure
Your one last look at failure!

Your one last look at failure!
So take a look at me! x4

[Chorus]
#2
Well seeing as how this got bumped off the front page.. 26 views and no replies.. even though I replied to like 3-4 other lyrics.. I think I can bump this thread up? I know none of my insight was in detail, but even if you wrote a line or two telling me what you think it would be appreciated....
#3
Righto.. i'll try this one out. i'm frigging shite at analysing stuff but i'm feeling nice

No longer will I stand
And let you take a stab at me
Alone I cross these streets
Towards other side of apathy <--- other side of apathy. apathy's hate of mankind right? so.. oh right. turning over a new leaf. sorry. i'm totally out of it
No longer will I wait
As distance takes a hold of me
Alone I embrace - a new
Life that is defined by me

No more misdirection
And no more sacrifice
No more tides to wash away
A life I can call mine
And once this clears away
What of me will remain?
But a pile of flesh and bones
In attempt to break these chains

Alone in my damnation
I failed to see
The noose around my throat
That kept me under air to breathe

I can't recall one day I
Never gave you everything
When I fealt weak and lost I
I still pushed on endlessly
These days I'm much less human<<<< ok, this verse is my favourite so far
I'm dead with no heart beating<<<<< but if your dead.. how can you breathe?
Just one more reason to remind me<<
Why I'm so sick of breathing<<<<<<< hmm.. oh well, it flows much better than at the start

No more misdirection
And no more sacrifice
No more tides to wash away
A life I can call mine
And once this clears away
What of me will remain?
But a pile of flesh and bones
In attempt to break these chains

Alone in my damnation
I failed to see
The noose around my throat
That kept me under air to breathe
But from here I depart
No more a fool remains
This is your last look at failure
Your one last look at failure!

Your one last look at failure!
So take a look at me! x4 <<<<<-- this repeat.. what song does this remind me of? 'take a look at me now.." what is that song? i'll be thinking about this all night now. dang it


cool cats. later slater
#4
Actually apathy is lack of emotion or care for anything. Lol. The whole dead/breathing thing is all metaphorical.. dead inside as in I have no emotion.. and the whole breathing thing is some suicidal metaphor.. lol. As the the break down (with the repeat) I have no idea what you're talking about... I hope it's not a rip-off from a song? Oh well.. it is just a break down.. most break downs are corny.. but that's the part of the song where it gets really heavy.. and probably the part where people will be mostly moshing.

If anything think of "I will not be held down.. AGAIN!" from This Darkened Heart by All That Remains, it's kinda how it will go.
#5
cool. yeah. thats what apathy is. i remember now. close enough. lol and you didn't steal it lol. theres just some song that goes like that sort of. OH!! got it. its that stereophonics song called dakota. right. well that will no longer bug me. zing!

oh cool song by the way.
#6
Thanks much. I can't wait to perform it.. but we still need music for it.
#7
first off i want to thank you for the crit. and i really like this song. i like what your actual meaning to this song. i really like your ending except for one thing. i think that in the stanza before the two line stanza, the last line should just be "your one last look". i'm not sure why, but i just think it sounds better that way. but overall good job and thanks for the crit.
#8
yes this song, is simplistic but amazing, this is my FAVORITE part

And once this clears away
What of me will remain?
But a pile of flesh and bones
In attempt to break these chains

I just love the flow and just it somehow sent tingles all up my spine, it was inspiring. I LOVE this.

Great job man, GREAT job .
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#9
Quote by ABTS

No longer will I stand
And let you take a stab at me
Alone I cross these streets
Towards other side of apathy i like this, maybe though "towards (the) other side of apathy" it makes a little more sense
No longer will I wait
As distance takes a hold of me
Alone I embrace - a new
Life that is defined by me this line loses a bit of the emotion, i think. the idea of it is good but it feels like a bit of a dropoff ending with the last word being "me"

No more misdirection
And no more sacrifice
No more tides to wash away
A life I can call mine same feeling above, only a little less this time. this one seems to flow better i guess. i like the tides line.
And once this clears away
What of me will remain?
But a pile of flesh and bones
In attempt to break these chains the flesh and bones line is good, and the last line is good, but together they dont make much sense. if you said "attempting" instead of attempt it links your person and your actions tighter.

Alone in my damnation
I failed to see
The noose around my throat
That kept me under air to breathe its pretty good, the last line is a bit confusing though.

I can't recall one day I
Never gave you everything
When I fealt weak and lost I
I still pushed on endlessly
These days I'm much less humani really like this line
I'm dead with no heart beating seems forced but works with rhyme scheme
Just one more reason to remind me
Why I'm so sick of breathing

No more misdirection
And no more sacrifice
No more tides to wash away
A life I can call mine
And once this clears away
What of me will remain?
But a pile of flesh and bones
In attempt to break these chains

Alone in my damnation
I failed to see
The noose around my throat
That kept me under air to breathe
But from here I depart
No more a fool remains
This is your last look at failure
Your one last look at failure!

Your one last look at failure!
So take a look at me! x4

[Chorus]


its cool, it reminds me alot of Hatebreed. a few minor touchups and you should be all set. feel free to crit any of mine if you get a chance VVV

Edit: oh and one last thing, dont put the style of music in the thread title they get pissed at ya for that. peace!
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#10
thanks, i very much appreciate the criticisism DrKntwstd. yeah, a lot of what you said makes sense and i'll be sure to put it to use to make the song that much better. im glad you like it. ++ sorry for putting metalcore in the title, my apologies!