#1
Ummm... I'm not quite sure why, but believe it or not a combo of a biology lesson and a girl (predictable second part, no?) inspired this one. There may be a couple of references that people don't quite understand, and that's my main concern - do any refernces you notice hamper this as a song? Anyway this is my latest song.

Bella Donna

What can I say when you walk in the room?
You light up faces with or without smile
Why can’t I talk to you about anything?
I don’t know how you can seem so high

You could ask how witches fly
Or turn me into a wolf
If it means I can hide from light with you
I know I’ll get on fine

Mydriatic look about yourself
I can’t explain what you can see
Falling over or thinking you’re flying
What happened to the girl you used to be?

You could ask how witches fly
Or turn me into a wolf
If it means I can hide from light with you
I know I’ll get on fine

Night shades your hasty retreat
I can’t find where you’ve gone
When I hear two others talking
I know just where you went wrong

You could ask how witches fly
Or turn me into a wolf
If it means I can hide from light with you
I know I’ll get on fine

My Bella Donna what have you become?
Once a thing of beauty you’re sadly overdone
My Bella Donna speak to me
I know even through the pain I want you to be with me

You could ask how witches fly
Or turn me into a wolf
If it means I can hide from light with you
I know I’ll get on fine

My Bella Donna what have you become?
(You could ask how witches fly)
Once a thing of beauty you’re sadly overdone
(Or turn me into a wolf)
My Bella Donna speak to me
(If it means I can hide from light with you)
I know even through the pain I want you to be with me
(I know we’ll get on fine)


Any crit is greatly appreciated
if possible leave a link (at least the name - I'm too lazy to use the advanced search stuff and look for threads started by user...) to any of your work(s) and I'll give it a look at
Last edited by Burpbelly at Feb 24, 2007,
#2
You could ask how witches fly
Or turn me into a wolf
If it means I can hide from light with you
I know I’ll get on fine

This was pretty much the only line that didn't seem to flow to me.
I was singing it in an iron maiden osrt of style though, slow and high.

Crit me 'My Bloody Mass'
#3
I actually like it, I think that it flows well except for the line above which has been mentioned.
I think the references are not misplaced nor take away from the song, I am a fan of songs having a meaning to some, And a higher meaning to the ones who get it, So I am a fan.


Please take a look at mine if you can, and atleast bump me back to first page please

The Unfillable void
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#4
The first time I read this was before you critted mine, I thought it sucked, and so I stopped reading after the first couple of stanzas. Then, you critted mine so I owed it to you to come back and read it. I did, and I liked it for what it's worth. This is not my type of piece at all, and I'm sure there's plenty of allusions and metaphors I'm just not getting, but it has a nice flow overall. I think I'm smarter than average, and if I can't get some of those lines, then I'm sure alot of other people won't either so try to expand on some of those ideas and make it clear what you're trying to say.

The chorus, fix it. The stuff about witches and wolves seems out of place. The "metaphysical" stuff doesn't really flow too well. If you're determined to keep it though, build a little frame work around it so that it makes sense.

Lastly, huge points for the ending. I love how you mixed a powerful verse with the chorus. It's genius. I assume the chorus parts in parentheses are whispered... beautiful.

Lastly for good, what kind of a piece is this? What style?

Good piece overall, 7/10. Improve it by clarifying what you're saying.
#5
I really enjoyed this, its a great piece I was singing it my head as I read it and I think thats awesome. There's only one part that I tripped over slightly and I wouldn't worry about it at all. Thanks for the crit on mine and keep it up.
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#6
Thanks for the feedback

I've changed that last line in the chorus to 'I know that I'll be all right', while that's not much of a change it does fit better, and also, although on paper the chorus isn't too impressive it fits really nicely with the music i have (it's a sort of chord (arpeggioish) progression, slow, yet still a bit rockish (think slow incubus or guns 'n' roses) type song)...which is actually really lucky because the combo of this old music and new lyrics works nicely together without being forced again cheers for the feedback
#7
The Belladonna stuff just reminded me of a pornstar. The chorus is really clumsy and wordy and in my opinion doesn't work at all. And the verse are to dry to have any impact on me. Basically it is just a boring song hidden behind some not even clever metaphor. I'd just scrap this and try and imbed some emotion in your next adventure.
#8
i dont know i didnt like it that much.. the first stanza was slightly cliche and this line
"I don’t know how you can seem so high" seemed out of place .. not sure why
overal i didnt like it until i saw this

"My Bella Donna what have you become?
Once a thing of beauty you’re sadly overdone
My Bella Donna speak to me
I know even through the pain I want you to be with me"

for some reason i liked that part... i realize this isnt the most constructive comment but i just thought id share my thoughts
Boo!