#1
It's a small thing with some meaning in it, problem is it's too short, in my opinion. It's supposed to be metal or alternative-metal, still not sure what's what... I accept critism of any kind.

Calculation Amputation

Articulate
Calculate
Amputate
Obfuscate

Articulate your reason
With sugar-sweet lies
Progress for all, you say
But only it for you

Calculate your cuts and pain
Judge the length and strength
Examine collateral for yourself
And draw your crude saw

Amputate the arm!
You've got many
Leave thousands dying
You'll get millions more

Obfuscate the eyes and tongues
Warp, twist, and stretch it
Until the wounded think they won
And you sit sickly on the red greens

Articulate!
Calculate!
Amputate!
Obfuscate!

Call it with iron strings
Chart it with an architect's hand
Swing your blade and spray the blood
And sing your sweet, deluded tale!

Articulate!
Calculate!
Amputate!
Obfuscate!

All you've ever known
But can't do any better
Because it's all you'll do
Cutting corners off your coffin

[some kind of solo here...]

All you've ever known
But can't do any better
Becaus eit's all you'll do
Cutting corners off your coffin

So...

Articulate.
Calculate.
Amputate.
Obfuscate.
#2
hey man it's pretty sweet. Nothing bad, it is a wee bit short, maybe just like 2 more verses, But hey, i'm not a lyricist myself, so yeah. But i do like it.
#3
Calculation Amputation

Articulate
Calculate
Amputate
Obfuscate <---- crazy word choice!! good word, but i think it'll be lost on people..

Articulate your reason
With sugar-sweet lies
Progress for all, you say
But only it for you

Calculate your cuts and pain
Judge the length and strength
Examine collateral for yourself <--- too many syllables
And draw your crude saw

Amputate the arm!
You've got many
Leave thousands dying
You'll get millions more

Obfuscate the eyes and tongues
Warp, twist, and stretch it
Until the wounded think they won
And you sit sickly on the red greens <--- choose one, red or green. or come up with a dif. word, there's too many syllables for it to flow.. i mean, it depends on teh way you sing it, but still...

Articulate!
Calculate!
Amputate!
Obfuscate!

Call it with iron strings
Chart it with an architect's hand
Swing your blade and spray the blood
And sing your sweet, deluded tale!

Articulate!
Calculate!
Amputate!
Obfuscate!

All you've ever known
But can't do any better
Because it's all you'll do
Cutting corners off your coffin <--- sweet line, i dig it

[some kind of solo here...]

All you've ever known
But can't do any better
Becaus eit's all you'll do
Cutting corners off your coffin

So...

Articulate.
Calculate.
Amputate.
Obfuscate.

I think these lyrics are promising!! they're the type that look weird on paper, but would sound out of control in a song. good vocab, i'm glad you didn't try to rhyme every other line or something like that, it would've detracted from the song. hmmm, your lyrics remind me of Bush. edit: not the band, but the silly president. is that what it's about, loosely?

If you want, you could check out District of Columbia, it must be on the 2nd page by now, near the top i think.
Last edited by ndakasimba at Feb 24, 2007,
#4
I think it'd work if I changed it to "Read your collaterals" instead of "Examine collateral for yourself". Also, it started out sort of thinking about Walmart and them rather cutting off stores than allowing employees to start unions, but it can actually encompass a LOAD of things, especially what the government is doing right now, yeah.

Also, red greens = bloody money. :3

Maybe it could be revised to: 'N you sit sickly on th' red greens (cuts out syllables by shortening the words, maybe it'll fit that way).

And sure, I'll check out yours.