#1
Constructed crit only please. the song is untitled, you welcome to suggest names.

Come with me,
forget the past.
your in my world now,
your free at last.

Believe I'm here,
don't look to them.
Follow me,
I know where your from.

Listen to my word
but don't forget.
Lasting now
but wasting away.

Your not invincible,
in my haunted room,
ive seen these things,
i'll see you soon.

Come with me,
forget the past.
Your in purgatory now,
you never listen.

Cry now, laugh later.
you need to finish right.
Higher than the heavens above,
you've wasted your whole life.

Angels at the gates
wait for souls to come.
I wait on the other side,
hoping for their acceptance.

Not for me,
just for you.
Eternal rest together,
I need to make it right.

Your at the gate now,
and I yell for them to allow you in.
I try to explain, but they won't listen.

Your sent back down that lonely staircase,
to the gates farther below.
My word means nothing now,
but you'll forever know.


Thx for reading.
#2
Come with me,
forget the past.
your in my world now,
your free at last.
Good, I like how its not your average ABAB or AABB rhyme scheme. I like it.

Believe I'm here,
don't look to them.
Follow me,
I know where your from.
The only thing I find wrong here is the third line. It is too short, compared to the other lines it seems out of place. It doesn't flow is what I'm trying to say.


Listen to my word
but don't forget.
Lasting now
but wasting away.
This group of lines just doen't seem to make sense to me sorry. I mean it makes sense and all but you need to think about it for more then a minute or two.


Your not invincible,
in my haunted room,
ive seen these things,
i'll see you soon.
I really like those lines, very nice. No fault that I can find.


Come with me,
forget the past.
Your in purgatory now,
you never listen.
I like it, the vocabulary is nice. I had to look up that word, and I like it, I like how it flows with the lines on the above group.


Cry now, laugh later.
you need to finish right.
Higher than the heavens above,
you've wasted your whole life.
I don't think those lines really flow. It goes from short lines, to long lines. I like it though, sounds good. It just seems to speed up the rhythm.


Angels at the gates
wait for souls to come.
I wait on the other side,
hoping for their acceptance.
Nice. Very nice. I love it. I think the title should be right there, I like "Awaiting Angels." But thats just me.


Not for me,
just for you.
Eternal rest together,
I need to make it right.
Meh. Not bad, could be worse. Too many syllables on the last two lines is the only thing that I don't like about it.


Your at the gate now,
and I yell for them to allow you in.
I try to explain, but they won't listen.
Thats nice, I really like it. Another line for a title here "At The Gate Now." Thats just me though lol.


Your sent back down that lonely staircase,
to the gates further below.
My word means nothing now,
but you'll forever know.

I like it, very good lines to end off the song.

......................................

All in all, it was great. With the exception of a few minor flaws. I definately see major potential in you, well done. Very well done.

Crit mine boyo? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530283
Last edited by YourMessiah666 at Feb 28, 2007,