#1
yo, jsut trying somthing new, somthing way out of my style, tell me wat u think. crit 4 crit as always, but be constructive about ur crits is all i ask.


Look now,my heart lay
pulsing at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up beat
and let our hearts ring
into the same frequency,
and so others hear them play.
When all it really is,
is the sound of our thoughts,
that evolve simultaneously.
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Mar 1, 2007,
#2
i think it sounds awesome.......as a poem you can never tell how it would sound as a song with all the different sounds you can put to it
#3
I rly liked it, you've got some nice poetry there. You should go on with it, make it longer. I'd love to read how it goes on. Good job!
Got too deep but - how deep is too deep?

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#5
Great, then I'm guessing you'll leave it as a poem, as a thought? It sounds rly good... like one of those sudden inspirations that one has every once in a while =P
Got too deep but - how deep is too deep?

FOUNDER OF THE ARCTIC MONKEYS FAN CLUB PM me to join.
#7
Pretty good, man. The line "and let others hear them play" seemed a little awkward/wordy to me, but besides that, I liked it.
#8
Quote by ragglefraggle
yo, jsut trying somthing new, somthing way out of my style, tell me wat u think. crit 4 crit as always, but be constructive about ur crits is all i ask.


Look now,my heart lay,
beating at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up beat,
and let our hearts ring,
upon the same frequency,
and let others hear them play.
When all it really is,
is the sound of our life,

beating simultaneously.



i liked it alot . nothing i can see to crit thnx
Hi
#9
very nice, like someone said earlier, simple but good. if you write any more id like to see it.
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#12

Look now,my heart lay,
beating at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up beat,
and let our hearts ring,
upon the same frequency,
and let others hear them play.
When all it really is,
is the sound of our life,
beating simultaneously.


for something out of your style, its really good,
the only thing I would do is to consider changing our life to our lives

But its up to you
8.95924/10
#14
I like it it's good. I like the end, 'simultaneously' is a good word man.
No, I am the walrus

#15
Look now,my heart lay,
this might be just me being tired or something, but shouldn't it be 'lies' rather than 'lay', unless you're going for a conversationalist piece where the cahracter in the piece is telling a story. It just seemed like a bit of tense confusion
beating at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up beat,
and let our hearts ring,
upon the same frequency,
and let others hear them play.
This bit is really good, nice imagery, simple yet effective vocab, really good
When all it really is,
is the sound of our lives,
beating simultaneously.
good ending

Overall a very strong piece, just the tense confusion at the top letting it down as it is now for me (I know a bit pedantic), at least an 8(maybe a 9) out of 10 for me. If you get a chance could you have a look at mine 'Bella Donna'? Cheers
#17
Look now, my heart lay
beating at half measure steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up beat
and let our hearts ring
upon the same frequency,
and let others hear them play.
When all it really is,
is the sound of our lives
beating simultaneously.

The worst parts about this are the constant repetition of beat and the commas. I fixed the commas in it. Also, it should be "in the same frequency" not "upon"... maybe "at". I also don't like the use of "when" in the third to last line. Usually in that context, when would be contradicting something else someone thought, but you never mention another thought anyone had: "They'll think we're playing music, when all it really is, is our lives beating simultaneously" for example.

Overall though this is good, but a little cliche. I think you should continue working on this style. The things I disliked about it weren't huge issues. Good work, I'll look out for more of your stuff.
#18
hey corey, thanks for the full crit, i fixed a few things, threw in a new line, but i dont think its as good as my first draft.opinion?

Look now,my heart lay
beating at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up rhythm
and let our hearts ring
in the same frequency,
while others hear them play.
'tis music, they will say,
when all it really is,
is the sound of our lives
beating simultaneously.


wat u think?
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Feb 25, 2007,
#19
Quote by ragglefraggle
yo, jsut trying somthing new, somthing way out of my style, tell me wat u think. crit 4 crit as always, but be constructive about ur crits is all i ask.


Look now,my heart lay,
beating at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up beat,
and let our hearts ring,
upon the same frequency,
and let others hear them play.
When all it really is,
is the sound of our lives,
beating simultaneously.


i think this all flowed well and was put together perfectly and except for the last 3 lines. mainly just because i dont like the 'sound of our lives beating'. it just sounds awkward because of lives beating. i would try to find something to change that to but since you already used heart earlier it may be hard. regardless really solid piece
8/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530278

if you have time
#20
thanks, i kno i need to rework the ending, but it is really hard to find a substitute. im still searching. ill get to everybodys i havent done yet when im done reworking this.rush more, wat u think of how i reworked it in like the 2nd post up?


EDIT: hm, idk, i was thinking of changing "our lives beating" to "our thoughts"

and ideas?
#21
Look now,my heart lay
beating at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up rhythm
and let our hearts ring
in the same frequency,
while others hear them play.
'tis music, they will say,
when all it really is,
is the sound of our lives
beating simultaneously.

i dont like the use of tis at all, it throws off the diction for the rest of the piece just cause its out of place. i would just get rid of that whole line i think.
and i still dont know how to change the last couple lines to not sound awkward, ill try to think of something and ill reply again if i do
#22
hm, yea ok, i just tried to put tht line in to please corey, cuz he did kinda make a good point. wat did u think about changing beating to rhythm?im worried it might set off the flow.

Look now,my heart lay
beating at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up rhythm
and let our hearts ring
in the same frequency.
Others will say its music,
when all it really is,
is the sound of our thoughts
working simultaneously

dang, theres just so much i can reword to make it differnt, wish steve was here to help out.
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Feb 25, 2007,
#26
Wait.. that was wrong.. i made a big mistake.. srry for that, and i really dont know what form i like better, i'll read your piece later.
#27
Quote by ragglefraggle
yo, jsut trying somthing new, somthing way out of my style, tell me wat u think. crit 4 crit as always, but be constructive about ur crits is all i ask.


Look now,my heart lay
beating at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up beat
and let our hearts ring
upon the same frequency,
and let others hear them play.
When all it really is,
is the sound of our lives
beating simultaneously.

Wow. The rhyme scheme here is genious. It had a great flow to it, with every line tying in seemlessly with the next. Sorry for the bad crit, but there really isn't anything I'd improve on. I'd sure appreciate it if you were to crit the one in my sig.
Wade in the water, child.
#28
I really meant you should try to find a way to reword "When all it really is" rather than adding a new line. But glad you're working on it. Keep at it.
#29
I'd keep it as lives, or else change it to something like minds, souls, spirits, etc.

It is well written, I like the idea of the frequency and music being used to describe a heartbeat/love, but I thought the whole thing was a bit cliched and I don't know... empty? This is really just a personal thing but I didn't feel amazed after I came away from it like you do with some songs. Still it's very strong in most areas.

Also, first two lines didn't fit in with the rather good flow you maintained through the rest of the song.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#30
thank you break, but empty? hm, i tried my best to avoid that,but i do suppose lyrics always mean more to the writer.but yes i kno it is a bit cliche, but i think i didnt make it to cliche.
oh and the flow, yea i thought the flow was a bit choppy, but everybody said it was fine. but i dont see how else i could word it, with out messing it up.
#31
No please don't take the 'empty' comment the wrong way. That's simply a personal thing that I got. I guess it is hard to reword the first two lines... But change it to lies rather than lay, I think there's a tense issue which someone else mentioned.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#33
Pretty good and i like your style, srry i cant say much because i'm not good at this stuff, but i like the way you wrote it.
Last edited by YNotDi3 at Feb 26, 2007,
#34
I didn't like this much, probably because i like material that is long, but i clearly see your message, so yeah.
#35
I like the "'Tis music, they will say", I think you should leave it, it sounds really nice, rhyming exactly with the line above it. Maybe instead of using the 'tis, which may not sound too good, as Rushmore said, you could put it like this - "It's music, they will say", or maybe "Is it music? - They will say"
Got too deep but - how deep is too deep?

FOUNDER OF THE ARCTIC MONKEYS FAN CLUB PM me to join.
#36
Look now,my heart lay
beating at half measure,steadily.
Waiting for yours to pick up beat
and let our hearts ring
into the same frequency,
and so others hear them play.
When all it really is,
is the sound of our lives
beating simultaneously.


i like it a lot. it's pretty short so it's hard to pick out specific parts, but i really like it. it's clever and even though the idea might be slightly cliché, your language makes it stand on its own above other stock poems/songs about love like this one. this is one of those things the reader wishes they would have written maybe for valentine's day because it guarantees you an "awwww" and a .
#DTWD