#1
a hush;

the stars decay,
spilling mercury on cataracts
like aurora borealis.
the sky turns comatose,
and for a second,
the world becomes stagnant.

but you quiver.

the clouds are choked
without a murmur.

and then, an arabesque;

two trains coalesce
with the grind of twisted metal
and the sound of railway sleepers.
suddenly, the earth shivers,
and for a second,
the air tastes arid.

and then it all ends
with a hush;

hush.

there's something beautiful about a storm:
the way it leaves your face weathered,
feeling like tangerine skins;
the way it leaves the air smelling
so threadbare and stale;
the way it feels like the world could end
at any moment with the sound of thunder,
and a dismal, haunting hush.

and there's something so incredibly comforting
about knowing that it didn't.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Feb 26, 2007,
#2
it all begins with a hush;

the stars decay,
spilling mercury on cataracts
like aurora borealis.
the sky turns comatose,
and for a second,
the world becomes stagnant.

but you quiver.
I don't like how this is th eonly reference to the reader, or whoever you are calling "you". They are not mentioned in the rest. Then again, if I'm taking this as a metaphor for an argument in a relationship then it works

the clouds are choked
without a murmur.

and then, an arabesque;
I absolotely adore this image and line.

two trains coalesce
with the grind of twisted metal
and the sound of railway sleepers.
suddenly, the earth shivers,
this is a second use of shivers, I thin kyou need a syn here.
and for a second,
the air tastes arid.

and then it all ends
with a hush.

hush.

there's something beautiful about a storm:
this line is too predictable imo, it could be improved and made more original, although I know it's exactly what oyu want to say.
the way it leaves your face weathered,
feeling like tangerine skins;
the way it leaves the air smelling
threadbare and stagnant;
the way it feels like the world could end
at any moment with the sound of thunder,
and a dismal, haunting hush.

and there's something so incredibly comforting
about knowing that it didn't.
This ending is just superb. Especailly as what I'm taking it out of it as meaning. Was I right? I know I've used the storm metaphor for an arguemtn before. But really, great ending. I always prefer you're writing when it's not quite as complex and verbose.

In my sig, if you could leave a critiue as lame as this one
#3
"this is a second use of shivers, I thin kyou need a syn here."
no it's not. haha you're thinking of when i said "quiver" not "shiver".
and. i purposely used similar words to kind of create some connection.

this line is too predictable imo, it could be improved and made more original, although I know it's exactly what oyu want to say.
yeah i know. i stewed over it for a long time and i couldn't think
of anything else to say to get my message across in one line.

andd. yes. you were right about the meaning.
well. close enough. you took it even further.
i wasn't thinking about it as an argument in a
relationship even. i was just thinking of it as an
argument in general. so. yeah. kinda simple.

thanks a lot, jamieeee.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
it all begins with a hush;

the stars decay,
spilling mercury on cataracts
like aurora borealis.
the sky turns comatose,
and for a second,
the world becomes stagnant.

but you quiver.

the clouds are choked
without a murmur.

and then, an arabesque;


two trains coalesce
with the grind of twisted metal
and the sound of railway sleepers.
suddenly, the earth shivers,
and for a second,
the air tastes arid.
hm, the frist verse used alot of words i didnt kno, and this whole verse i knew every word. so that was a bit strange to me

and then it all ends
with a hush.

hush.
i like these parts here alot

there's something beautiful about a storm:
the way it leaves your face weathered,
feeling like tangerine skins;
the way it leaves the air smelling
threadbare and stagnant;imo, using stagnant was a good idea, u already used it
the way it feels like the world could end
at any moment with the sound of thunder,
and a dismal, haunting hush.

and there's something so incredibly comforting
about knowing that it didn't.


hm,idk, i liked the parts inbetween the verses the best for some reason. and using stagnant(altho u meant to do it for some reason probly) was a bit annoying.mabe use a difernt word for it?
but i did like it alot, 9/10.

leave a short crit on 'heart frequency' in my sig if u could
#5
"his is a second use of shivers, I thin kyou need a syn here."
no it's not. haha you're thinking of when i said "quiver" not "shiver".
and. i purposely used similar words to kind of create some connection.


oops. Apologies
#6
haha it's alright.

oh, and other guy (i missed you user name
and i'm too lazy to scroll back up to check)...
you're right about the two uses of "stagnant".
i forgot about that. maybe i'll change it later.
but. i didn't notice the repetition of it. so. thanks.

maybe i'll fix it

EDIT: fixed already!

I just want to sleep forever.


#8
haha yeah i thought it was, but i didn't
want to go back up to check on it. haha.

but yes. i fixed the problem.

I just want to sleep forever.


#12
EDIT : STUPID UG being slow took away half of my crit!! But i really have to go so I'll edit this up like, tomorrow night so you have all of it. Sorry\!!!


I wish you'd stop complaining about crits already .


Quote by Grovermans
it all begins with a hush;

hush.

the stars decay,
spilling mercury on cataracts
like aurora borealis.
the sky turns comatose,
and for a second,
the world becomes stagnant.

ale;
the way it feels like the world could end
at any moment with the sound of thunder,
and a dismal, haunting hush.

I agree about that first line here. Reminds me a lot of "It's one of those pretty things catastrophes would do" in my latest. I think you should find a similar way to phrase what you mean so it comes off as less blatant and obvious.

and there's something so incredibly comforting
about knowing that it didn't.

Love that ending.


Alright so kyle, very few things I would change here. This was very good. What I would get rid of/modify, though, I pointed out. So yeah..
Last edited by circular.parade at Feb 25, 2007,
#13
hahah i was joking!

i wasn't expecting a super awesome crit.
i just wanted someone to notice me

I just want to sleep forever.


#14
Quote by Grovermans
it all begins with a hush;

hush.

the stars decay,
spilling mercury on cataracts
like aurora borealis.
the sky turns comatose,
and for a second,
the world becomes stagnant.

but you quiver.

i love the but you quiver line, brilliant. this whole part is great

the clouds are choked
without a murmur.

and then, an arabesque;

two trains coalesce
with the grind of twisted metal
and the sound of railway sleepers.
suddenly, the earth shivers,
and for a second,
the air tastes arid.

i like this a lot except the twisted metal is kind of a cliche way to describe the trains. i love the use of coalesce

and then it all ends
with a hush;

hush.

there's something beautiful about a storm:
the way it leaves your face weathered,
feeling like tangerine skins;
the way it leaves the air smelling
so threadbare and stale;
the way it feels like the world could end
at any moment with the sound of thunder,
and a dismal, haunting hush.

and there's something so incredibly comforting
about knowing that it didn't.

perfect ending


sorry theres not much to say about this its a pretty damn near perfect piece.
9.5/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530278
if you have time^ you dont need to say much just if you like it or no
#16
This is my favorite thing that I remember you've written. I'll crit it when i hope to have time. but know that it's good. on first glance i think the first line is actually unecesarry and the repetition of hush isnt as strong as just starting with hush. but aside from that I'll have to read it again and actually crit it to notice anything. damn good piece man.
#18
a hush;

the stars decay,
spilling mercury on cataracts
like aurora borealis.
the sky turns comatose,[
and for a second,
the world becomes stagnant.

the third and fourth lines are opposite. aurora borealis is an amazing thing that brings beauty and wonder, but comatose throws imagery of lifelessness. confusing as to what you mean by this.

but you quiver.

the clouds are choked
without a murmur.
^cool, i like those lines.
and then, an arabesque;
this word seems placed out of context. what are you trying to get across with arabesque? what is the image that is arabesque?

two trains coalesce
with the grind of twisted metal
and the sound of railway sleepers.
suddenly, the earth shivers,shivers doesnt fit with me. maybe shudders?
and for a second,
the air tastes arid.

and then it all ends
with a hush;

hush.

there's something beautiful about a storm:
the way it leaves your face weathered,
feeling like tangerine skins;
the way it leaves the air smelling
so threadbare and stale;
the way it feels like the world could end
at any moment with the sound of thunder,
and a dismal, haunting hush.

and there's something so incredibly comforting
about knowing that it didn't.

i really like the last stanza and last two lines. im confused as to what stars and trains and storms all have to do with eachother, but the piece is definately intriguing and has great imagery. the point of the song, though. what is the motivation behind it, like a background story? i find it helpful to know that so i can piece together a song in my head. overall i like it a lot. good job man. feel free to crit any of mine if you get the chance. they are all in my sig.
Quote by TonyRandall

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#19
Wonderful, great imagery and great langauge used.

One thing I'd change: "There's something beautiful about a storm". I know you said you couldn't really think what to put there, but it really seems to obvious and plain in an otherwise great piece. As long as you reference a storm in that line, it sets up the rest of the stanza, so no need to be tied down finding another way to say the exact same thing (which is very difficult in this case).

Killer line: "but you quiver." Don't know why, but I loved that.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#20
the third and fourth lines are opposite. aurora borealis is an amazing thing that brings beauty and wonder, but comatose throws imagery of lifelessness. confusing as to what you mean by this.
comatose = white.
it's about lightning.


this word seems placed out of context. what are you trying to get across with arabesque? what is the image that is arabesque?
ar·a·besque [ar-uh-besk]
–noun
1. Fine Arts. a sinuous, spiraling, undulating, or serpentine line or linear motif.
2. a pose in ballet in which the dancer stands on one leg with one arm extended in front and the other leg and arm extended behind.
3. a short, fanciful musical piece, typically for piano.
4. any ornament or ornamental object, as a rug or mosaic, in which flowers, foliage, fruits, vases, animals, and figures are represented in a fancifully combined pattern.
–adjective
5. decorated with or characterized by arabesques: arabesque design.


i really like the last stanza and last two lines. im confused as to what stars and trains and storms all have to do with eachother, but the piece is definately intriguing and has great imagery. the point of the song, though. what is the motivation behind it, like a background story? i find it helpful to know that so i can piece together a song in my head. overall i like it a lot. good job man. feel free to crit any of mine if you get the chance. they are all in my sig.
the stars stanza = lightning.
the trains stanza = thunder.
lightning + thunder = storm.

and then. there's the further analysis of it.
where the storm is a metaphor for a conflict.
so. uh. read it into that however you want.
i'm sure you can figure it all out from there.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Feb 26, 2007,
#21
^ok that works then. thanks for clearing that up for moi. that works better, cuz when i looked up arabesque on wiki i got like....islamic flor decorations. thats quite confusing. good job.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD