#1
I deleted my other thread, edited a whole bunch. Added another stanza. Crit me, I crit you.

The Destroyed Room.

Oh!
When she's looking down
at you, from a drunken wall,
Oh!
Pen the door.
Move in, cut
through razorwire
defy her.
Cigarette lit.
She's inviting you
for the fuck of it.
She's waving her index finger
through a wall of skin.
She says "Come In."
You oblige, your eyes
watering, shooting the skies
a kiss goodbye.

Oh!
Her passed-
out pastel lips
Oh!
Sweet nothin',
Power's out.
Plugged in.
Jagged ears.
Shredded pulp fiction.
Parenthetical ear-phones.
Snapping ankles.
Lovers loving,
Eating lightning.

We're walking up the stairs.
Oh!
Trailing gasoline on the way there.
Oh!
I shred and tear and rip away at this skin.
Oh!
The ambulances and paramedics never stood a chance.
You were in the belly of a wolf, pixelating and grating.
Wade in the water, child.
#2
You added a shitton to this.

It's late, and I do plan on doing a full crit tomorrow, but just let me say that the last two lines are perfection.
Poor advice.
#3
I loved it.

I thought it seemed like a poem, but the 'Oh!' parts made me think otherwise. If it's set to music, I'm not sure about how you'd sing it, but I'm sure you've got that figured out.

I preferred the second verse because the first one resorted to obviousness, and had less to offer in terms of description and metaphors. "She's inviting you for the **** of it" seemed just out of place, and whilst I'm not averse to swearing, I think making it 'for the hell of it' would have a little more irony. Also 'She says "Come in"' just seemed pointless to me.

The second verse and end are perfect, and whilst I don't like the first one as much, I probably wouldn't change it a great deal for fear of damaging such a great piece.

Once again, fantastic work.
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#4
We're walking up the stairs.
Oh!
Trailing gasoline on the way there.

that, and the first time you use the word "skin" in the first stanza are th eonly points I personallu would change. I didn't like the the above lines because I felt they carried far less impact than every other line in the piece, they were just too... flat imo. And I feel the "walls of skin" or whateve rit was can be changed, because I'd prefer the second time you say skin to have more impact, and using it only the once there would maximise thta impact.

#5
Oh!
When she's looking down
at you, from a drunken wall,
Oh!
Pen the door.
Move in, cut
through razor wire
defy her.
Cigarette lit.
She's inviting you
for the **** of it.i like the lit, it thing
She's waving her index finger
through a wall of skin.
She says "Come In."
You oblige, your eyes
watering, shooting the skies
a kiss goodbye.
i really like the last 3 lines here, nice description
Oh!
Her passed-
out pastel lips
Oh!
Sweet nothin',
Power's out.
Plugged in.
Jagged ears.
Shredded pulp fiction.
Parenthetical ear-phones.
Snapping ankles.
Lovers loving,
Eating lightning.
idk, this part just seems to go on and on, altho it seems vital to it, i didnt like it a whole lot

We're walking up the stairs.
Oh!
Trailing gasoline on the way there.
Oh!
I shred and tear and rip away at this skin.
Oh!
The ambulances and paramedics never stood a chance.

You were in the belly of a wolf, pixelating and grating.


the ending is wat i liked the most, but i would change to 'i shred,tear, and rip away at this skin but i dont get the last line, i dont see how it ties in
very good, i liked it all expect that one part that bugged me.its unique, which is cool also.
#7
Why oh why does that matter, Mr. Emo Punk?
Wade in the water, child.
#8
i'd say take out the "oh"s but i couldn't read this without hearing it sung blood brothers style (haha sorry), so it fits.

the "wall of skin" line didn't seem to make sense for me, and the ambulance line seemed cliche. but damn, most of the rest was brilliant. brillianttt

check out my new stuff (down arrow).
#9
I love The "Oh" Parts......I Can hear the band in my head

Don't Get Offended But I think is a mix of Nickelback And Saliva

But Loved The Writeing
#10
Quote by *Thundernation*
I love The "Oh" Parts......I Can hear the band in my head

Don't Get Offended But I think is a mix of Nickelback And Saliva

But Loved The Writeing

Nickelback and Saliva? Awww shit.
Wade in the water, child.