#1
When I see you
walking through a field
of long stems
and yellow buds
picking leaves
off of linden trees,
I think I'd rather be
an impotent flower.
#2
hm, nice, short and to the point. lol cant point out much, cuz there isnt much there, but i would probly try to add just one last line, and change is to

"i think i'd rather be
an impotent flower,
so i bla bla bla bla"

lol, something liek that, but do wat u wish with it.

if u could leave as helpless of a crit on 'heart frequency' in my sig, id be happy.
#3
In my opinion, it was beautiful. I'm usually not huge and very short approach, but this one caught my eye. I love the imagery of walking through the field seeing all those things, really nice to imagine. 9/10

My new one is "The Vixen Utopia" if you could crit it, thanks a bunch
#4
impotent flower was great. Though I do think you should consider having a "I'd rather this... instead of that" finish to it, but this does leave it open to innterpretations, which is nice.

Twas good.

You owe me from your pawn one
#5
great short piece.

i kind of chuckled at the end.
i wasn't expecting it at all.
it just came out of nowhere,
being all witty and whatnot.

i thought it was great.

I just want to sleep forever.


#6
Quote by SilenceEvolves
When I see you
walking through a field
of long stems
and yellow buds
picking leaves
off of linden trees,
I think I'd rather be
an impotent flower.


excellent. subtle rhymes, simple imagery,
unexpected ending. basically, it rocked my
socks.. in a beautiful and understated way.

i am impressed.

: )
#7
Thanks guys.

I thought about adding a last line, but I figured it was clear enough what I was talking about without it, and it'd only serve to add more clarity, which would be kind of redundant and pointless in the end, you know what I mean? It wouldn't add anything that isn't already there. Thanks again for the comments though.
#8
hahah very nice piece, I must say I wasn't expecting the ending, part of me wants to go "pshh" but the other, more important half says "I like it".

Quote by Grovermans
great short piece.

i kind of chuckled at the end.
i wasn't expecting it at all.
it just came out of nowhere,
being all witty and whatnot.

i thought it was great.


Yeah Corey....wit :S - I'm sorry man, I dont mean it.

I loved the use of Linden in their too, it just seemed so eloquent to contrast the last line, really nice piece man.

I also agree any additions now would perhaps taint the piece, its just great how it is.

Oh and If you could get me a few pieces for SOTW, I'd be grateful man.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 25, 2007,
#9
to be honest (and what else would i be?), this didn't do anything for me.
it's nice, and i can't really make any suggestions to change it because it doesn't seem to lend itself to changing, i guess, but i'm not really sure what that means.

sorry for being the one guy to say something negative haha.
i've got a few in my sig that need love if you have time.
#10
I must insist I've got quite a bit of wit for a non-Brit. And beautiful teeth.

Don't apologize, I appreciate all comments: good ones, bad ones, full crits, black people.

I'll get to yours right now system. If I forgot to return any please remind me I've got a horrible memory.
#11
Quote by SilenceEvolves

I'll get to yours right now system. If I forgot to return any please remind me I've got a horrible memory.


Just admit you're lazy.


Oh, yeah, as for your piece, I liked it. I just can't give you criticism on it though. I just liked it a lot.
#12
hey man, i posted above *little arrow things pointing up*

i just posted something i know, so if you wanna tag me back, i'd be much obliged. thanks man.