#1
I'm thirteen.This is on of my better peices that I've written in my opinion. Im into Phsychadelic rock so I can assure you that its not emo writings
When you've lost your place in the book of life,

Searched through and through with a key on your kite,

You can't put into words the things that you feel,

But you try and you try but there's mud under your wheels,

So you're just at the point of giving up,

Cause your wine hasn't hit the top of your cup,

The man on the moon gives you a sign,

A direction even, to in through life

And he gives you this hope, and only this hope you feel,

Till you meet cheaters, dealers and friends turned free-wheelers,

That takes your hope from under your nose,

And leave you tired, cold and alone,

But a fire is lit in the depths of your soul,

To an old spirit past its prime, in a mold,

So this feeling your feeling,

And this insecurity you're bleeding,

And this happiness you're dreaming won't be a leaving,

Because it's a fire that stays unless you lose sight,

Of dreams that you have, but to get you must fight,

So you make a crusade against the jelly faced women,

Who tie your heart strings to the depths of your stomach,

Worried and all at the scene of the crime,

But its you who must do the time,

A cell in your mind, crazy and wild,

Left to ponder, remorse and you're wandering jive,

Yeah, your jive, and the many things you promise,

To the soldiers in it for riches, and your friends un-honest,

So you're back at the start with the same old feel,

And you wheel and deal and still not a meal,

Food hasn't touched your table in so long,

And if memory serves me correct neither your notebook a song,

You listened to the pale skinned blue-eyed pauper in pretty clothes,

Who played you and robbed you and wore out your shoe soles,

The money you made, made it back to him,

A quarter, a nickel, every last cent,

So you try again with all your might,

Till you meet the golden man in the bright white light,

A little suspicious from you first time around,

But none the less you follow him down,

And now on the top, the top of the world,

You're living your life in a candy swirl,

Plastic bodied people and programmed personalities,

Take over your life and make up faculty,

Of people that run and control your life,

But you break free from the bunch and dispose of the lies,

And now that your free and can finally see,

You live life to the fullest without being too carefree,

And as you walk down the lonely alleyway back to the hub,

You kick the pauper with his hand bearing a cup,

But you think a while and you pick him up,

Just another man trying to make a buck,

But not enough help to even take a chunk,

He robbed you and worked you but you still have some love,

For the man underneath the flashy clothes with the gentleness of a dove,

You drop a grand inside his hat,

And you walk down the railroad and hit the tap,

Grab the 65 and leave on outta town,

Disappearing forever without a sound,

Not minding the occasional bumps and jerks,

You reach your destination way past hurt,

All the emotional dying you've had to do,

Still leaves your heart torn and somehow you know crazy glue won't do,

You had your cake and ate it too,

But you were trapped among thieves, peddlers and scammers through and through,

That life that you wanted is no where near,

Instead you humbly accept a simple life with nothing to fear,

This I can't do.
#2
When you've lost your place in the book of life,

Searched through and through with a key on your kite,

You can't put into words the things that you feel,

But you try and you try but there's mud under your wheels,
i like wat ur saying, but the rhyming sounds a bit cheesy

So you're just at the point of giving up,

Cause your wine hasn't hit the top of your cup,

The man on the moon gives you a sign,

A direction even, to in through lifeto in through life sounds a bit awkward

And he gives you this hope, and only this hope you feel,

Till you meet cheaters, dealers and friends turned free-wheelers,

That takes your hope from under your nose,

And leave you tired, cold and alone,

But a fire is lit in the depths of your soul,

To an old spirit past its prime, in a mold,i like this line

So this feeling your feeling,

And this insecurity you're bleeding,

And this happiness you're dreaming won't be a leaving,

Because it's a fire that stays unless you lose sight,

Of dreams that you have, but to get you must fight,but to get you must fight, i think ur missing a word in there

So you make a crusade against the jelly faced women,jelly faced woman sounds weird, and i dont like

Who tie your heart strings to the depths of your stomach,

Worried and all at the scene of the crime,

But its you who must do the time,i wouldnt have this line rhyme with the previous

A cell in your mind, crazy and wild,

Left to ponder, remorse and you're wandering jive,

Yeah, your jive, and the many things you promise,

To the soldiers in it for riches, and your friends un-honest,

So you're back at the start with the same old feel,

And you wheel and deal and still not a meal,mabe put, and still no meal

Food hasn't touched your table in so long,

And if memory serves me correct neither your notebook a song,
this line sounds wierd, i think u forgot to put words in it

You listened to the pale skinned blue-eyed pauper in pretty clothes,
to many desriptive words for one lines

Who played you and robbed you and wore out your shoe soles,

The money you made, made it back to him,

A quarter, a nickel, every last cent,

So you try again with all your might,

Till you meet the golden man in the bright white light,

A little suspicious from you first time around,

But none the less you follow him down,

And now on the top, the top of the world,

You're living your life in a candy swirl,

Plastic bodied people and programmed personalities,

Take over your life and make up faculty,

Of people that run and control your life,

But you break free from the bunch and dispose of the lies,

And now that your free and can finally see,

You live life to the fullest without being too carefree,

And as you walk down the lonely alleyway back to the hub,

You kick the pauper with his hand bearing a cup,

But you think a while and you pick him up,

Just another man trying to make a buck,

But not enough help to even take a chunk,

He robbed you and worked you but you still have some love,
he worked you, wat does that mean?

For the man underneath the flashy clothes with the gentleness of a dove,

You drop a grand inside his hat,

And you walk down the railroad and hit the tap,

Grab the 65 and leave on outta town,

Disappearing forever without a sound,

Not minding the occasional bumps and jerks,

You reach your destination way past hurt,

All the emotional dying you've had to do,

Still leaves your heart torn and somehow you know crazy glue won't do,
this line is a bit to long

You had your cake and ate it too,

But you were trapped among thieves, peddlers and scammers through and through,
this line is too long

That life that you wanted is no where near,

Instead you humbly accept a simple life with nothing to fear,

This I can't do.


ok i liked it, some of the rhymes were chessy, and some liens were way to long for the others, but i like the story and all.7.5/10

leave a short crit on 'heart frequency' in my sig if u could plz
#3
Here are the lines that I thought might need revising:

A direction even, to in through life - sounds force

You kick the pauper with his hand bearing a cup, - i think you should repalce kick with something stronger

Of dreams that you have, but to get you must fight, - this doesn't sound quite right. try something like: Of dreams that you have, but for them you must fight, - feel free to use that if you wish

Other than that it sounds good. I would love to hear the song. If you record it ever send me a link in a PM.

Goodluck thats a great song, if your only 13 you've got a great future.