#1
"is it snowing where you are?"


a thousand thoughts whirl around my head, some thick and wet and some light, dry, airy
crisp.


an innocent question with conspicuous intentions--
hundreds of miles separated us, but the snow could bind us together.
from skyscrapers and city lights to the thin pines and the winter waves,
beyond the inadequate intimacies of phone lines and imaginings,
to her i might as well have been soft flakes, gazing softly in at her as i fall, slow motion, to the wet pavement; a million fold repetition of the same quiet reverence as a saint making shrift.

"is it snowing where you are?"

a thousand nights whirl through my mind, some warm and wet, some breathless, airy,
sublime.
Last edited by Phoebus at Feb 26, 2007,
#2
I'm sorry man, I just cant get into this, however I like the idea of the piece. (not much consolation though, I know)

Firstly I wasn't keen on the list of adjectives, I just figured more could go in there. Just something to pad them out a bit, I mean I understand that it was supposed to be simple and direct I just think that they weren't effective enough words to pull it off.

"once the gold and the glimmer of the new life faded,
as all things do, and must, and should
we were like a boxer after months of hard training:
we were reduced to our fighting weight."


The first line here felt slightly forced, the use of "glimmer" mainly, just didn't sound right. L2 I love. And then the metaphor in L3+4 just seemed so...out of place, I'm not a fan of the metaphor either really.

The last 2 lines sound far better, less of a list. And that way just felt more effective. I do like parts of this but I dont think it was executed with your usual finess. Sorry to tear into it like that man.

peACE

If you have time theres a piece in my sig.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
hey...no worries about tearing into it....frankly this forum needs a lot more of it

and actually, i agree with you....i need to focus on this a bit more to make it what i want

gimme a few, and ill return the favor
#4
Quote by Phoebus
hey...no worries about tearing into it....frankly this forum needs a lot more of it


Yeah I agree, I mean if people want opinions why sugar coat them, those that can take it would benefit more from a right beating. Oh well.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
to be honest, i really like the title and what different ways you could have gone with it. like he said, though, that boxing line or two doesnt really fit, it seems really out of place. the very first line and the last line are kind of cool. if you could rewrite it, make it longer but more focused i think youd have some pretty good stuff.
Quote by TonyRandall

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#6
A little bit bland, nothing really hit me where i was thinking "Wow" (dynamic less if you will). But overall i agree with DkNtwstd, a decent first and last line.
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#7
i rewrote the entire middle and modified the ending. note that the first quotation is not the title, but a part of the piece.

i still don't like it, but i like it better than i did. any help, fire away

--jay
#8
a thousand thoughts whirl around my head, some thick and wet and some light, dry, airy
crisp.
I actually like the adjectives here. I don't know why exactly, but this opening really effected me. Perhaps because in my mind thoughts can be exactly those things.


an innocent question with conspicuous intentions--
LOVE this line.
hundreds of miles separated us, but the snow could bind us together.
from skyscrapers and city lights to the thin pines and the winter waves,
beyond the inadequate intimacies of phone lines and imaginings,
to her i might as well have been soft flakes, gazing softly in at her as i fall, slow motion, to the wet pavement; a million fold repetition of the same quiet reverence as a saint making shrift.
So what can I say? A picture of real life put in your beautiful words.

"is it snowing where you are?"

a thousand nights whirl through my mind, some warm and wet, some breathless, airy,
sublime.

So listen, I agree with the changes you've made, but then again I would have probably liked them if they stayed. Perhaps I'm too easy on you, but it's just that I feel you speak my feelings and sometimes imagination just triumphs the words that are written in front of me and that's all that you need to achieve.
I guess I am those people you draw with your words and I am the people who feel what you describe.
What can I say, forever a fan.


Carmel
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