#1
Hey everyone, this is my first song ever and I'm looking for some criticism. Thanks for the help.

Dark climbs to the sky,
Midnight in the Lion’s Den.
A chill runs through my spine,
But I feel the warmth of my friend.
The dark is deep and coyotes howl to the moon,
Light shines through the gloom.


We see the edge of the land,
But freedom is just out of hand.
We whisk through trees of shadow,
The pursuit of lawful lights, an awful glow.
Think I’m safe; I must free my senses,
The only thing that keeps me boundless.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I wish I were free like I was then,
But instead I am in deep pursuit.

Out of breath and out of time,
Waiting by the pond, black and arcane.
Buried treasure to later find,
The hidden cache, time spent in vain.
Time slips; down the hourglass fall the grains,
Through winding paths and forbidden plains.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I wish I were free like I was then,
But instead I am in deep pursuit.

I feel the rush and adrenalin flow,
Cruise on to the streetlight glow.
Flying past the Guardian’s shade,
We race to freedom, no debt to be paid.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And know I’ll make it through.
I’ll be free like I was then,
No more fleeing from you.
#2
personally i think for your first song it wasnt that bad
i just dont think everything needs to rhyme.. the way it all rhymed made it kind of boring.. maybe thats just my taste i dont know i dont write songs... but like i said for a first time its not that bad just keep writing
Boo!
#3
Hmmm thanks for the help, I'll look into the rhyming maybe make it rhyme a little less idk. Does anyone else have an opinion about that, or see anything that should be changed?
Thanks again
#4
Quote by Ramblin'_Man
Hey everyone, this is my first song ever and I'm looking for some criticism. Thanks for the help.

Dark climbs to the sky,
Midnight in the Lion’s Den.
A chill runs through my spine,
But I feel the warmth of my friend.
The dark is deep and coyotes howl to the moon, it seems forced
Light shines through the gloom.


We see the edge of the land,
But freedom is just out of hand.
We whisk through trees of shadow,
The pursuit of lawful lights, an awful glow. it's also seems bit forced
Think I’m safe; I must free my senses,
The only thing that keeps me boundless.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I wish I were free like I was then,
But instead I am in deep pursuit.

Out of breath and out of time,
Waiting by the pond, black and arcane.
Buried treasure to later find,
The hidden cache, time spent in vain.
Time slips; down the hourglass fall the grains,
Through winding paths and forbidden plains.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I wish I were free like I was then,
But instead I am in deep pursuit.

I feel the rush and adrenalin flow,
Cruise on to the streetlight glow.
Flying past the Guardian’s shade,
We race to freedom, no debt to be paid.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And know I’ll make it through.
I’ll be free like I was then,
No more fleeing from you.


i agree with above guy on the rhyme scheme pattern . read tips thread it will help you alot . try to be independent of rhyme scheme it will give you more freedom in your writing. you dont have to follow AABBCC... everywhere it kills the mood a bit and produce a kind of monotony

As far as being your first song . its nice , its not a cliche , and it's writtern with imagery

thnx for the crit
Hi
#6
no amy is a girls name. definetly a girls name. and the peice was a tad forced
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#8
how the hell is amy not a girl's name any way???
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#10
Quote by amy_gail
heeeeeey does Amy seem like a guy's name to you *hurt*


well i am really srry about calling you a guy,i didnt read the name . i just didnt remember the name while posting , so i said one of the guy as most of the members i see are male here. Amy is definetely a girl's name .

And to the person whom this thread belongs

since i started this whole mess in ur thread i will crit your other1 also just remind me
Hi
#11
hey here is an updated version. I took your advice and changed up the rhyme scheme tell me what you think.

Dark climbs to the sky,
Midnight in the Lion’s Den.
A chill runs through my spine,
But I feel the warmth of my friend.
The dark is deep and coyotes howlin’
Out of sight and mind a malice malign.

We see the edge of the land,
But freedom is just out of hand.
We whisk through trees of shadow,
The pursuit of lawful lights, an awful glow.
Think I’m safe; I do not comprehend,
Must use my wits or I’ll be canned.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I wish I were free like I was then,
But instead I am in deep pursuit.

Out of breath and out of time,
Waiting by the pond, black and arcane.
The hidden cache, time spent in vain.
Buried treasure to later find,
Through winding paths and forbidden plains,
Time slips; down the hourglass fall the grains.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I wish I were free like I was then,
But instead I am in deep pursuit.

I feel the rush and adrenalin flow,
Cruise on to the streetlight glow.
Flying past the Guardian’s sanctum,
Shrouded as phantoms, five hoodlums.
We race to freedom, no debt to be paid.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And know I’ll make it through.
I’ll be free like I was then,
No more fleeing from you.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Feb 26, 2007,
#12
Quote by Ramblin'_Man
hey here is an updated version. I took your advice and changed up the rhyme scheme tell me what you think.

Dark climbs to the sky,
Midnight in the Lion’s Den.
A chill runs through my spine,
But I feel the warmth of my friend.
The dark is deep and coyotes howlin’
Out of sight and mind a malice malign.


sounds forced and hampers to flow. in earlier version last line was good


We see the edge of the land,
But freedom is just out of hand.
We whisk through trees of shadow,
The pursuit of lawful lights, an awful glow.
Think I’m safe; I do not comprehend,
Must use my wits or I’ll be canned.

i said before this line seems bit forced


Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I wish I were free like I was then,
But instead I am in deep pursuit.

Out of breath and out of time,
Waiting by the pond, black and arcane.
The hidden cache, time spent in vain.
Buried treasure to later find,
Through winding paths and forbidden plains,
Time slips; down the hourglass fall the grains.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I wish I were free like I was then,
But instead I am in deep pursuit.

I feel the rush and adrenalin flow,
Cruise on to the streetlight glow.
Flying past the Guardian’s sanctum,
Shrouded as phantoms, five hoodlums.
We race to freedom, no debt to be paid.

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And know I’ll make it through.
I’ll be free like I was then,
No more fleeing from you.


i noticed you changed a rhyme scheme . like i said before for ur first song its nice dnt wrry with time you will get better . i am not also a good song writer , i am just an amature like you . i don't get any crits. while writing ur next song just keep in mind what i said

hey srry for that whole amy thing and for spoiling ur thread
Hi
#13
it's fine dont worry about that my thing, I got some free bumps haha thanks for the crit.