#1
I guess this is somewhat a political piece. It almost sounds like a rap and the rhymes are a bit forced, I know this. Some might say it's a bit cliche', but I wasn't striving for excellence here, just writing to write. Hope ya enjoy. Oh, and also...grammar is put the way intended. I know... on me.

Hooked

Tell me, what’s your addiction
The Government provides prescriptions
Percocet and Xanex
Never mind all the side affects

Don’t worry about the stats
Have ya hooked just like that
Just pop one and relax
Insurance has your back

Daily dosage, one a day
So much for the FDA
It’s been approved and tested
They should’ve guessed it

That I’d be back for more
I can fake this arm sore
The pharmacy has the refill
Can’t wait to get my fill

I got more symptoms than ever
And every complaint's more clever
So Dr., sign this slip
I’m ready to get ripped
#2
i thought it was an ok peice i mean the flaws i caught u pointed out yourself in the begining the topic is true to the times wich was pretty cool i think its easily relatable
#3
id have said everything you said up above. definately sounds like a rap man. pretty cool though. not bad for just "writing to write."
Quote by TonyRandall

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#4
Yeah, I usually try to put out ahead of time some of the stuff. Helps make the crits more straight to the point and like I said, it was more of just writing to write. More or less to share it, I doubt I'll make it into a real song.
#5
Quote by Partyboy2k05
I guess this is somewhat a political piece. It almost sounds like a rap and the rhymes are a bit forced, I know this. Some might say it's a bit cliche', but I wasn't striving for excellence here, just writing to write. Hope ya enjoy. Oh, and also...grammar is put the way intended. I know... on me.

Hooked

Tell me, what’s your addiction
The Government provides prescriptions
Percocet and Xanex
Never mind all the side affects

Effects but otherwise nicely written.

Don’t worry about the stats
Have ya hooked just like that
Just pop one and relax
Insurance has your back

The first two lines seem a little unsupported to me but the next two are pretty good.

Daily dosage, one a day
So much for the FDA
It’s been approved and tested
They should’ve guessed it

The FDA line doesn't really make sense nor does the They should've guessed it line. The other two lines aren't bad though.

That I’d be back for more
I can fake this arm sore
The pharmacy has the refill
Can’t wait to get my fill

The second line is just too strangely worded but I like the idea. Ryhming refill and fill just doesn't work for me though.

I got more symptoms than ever
And every complaint's more clever
So Dr., sign this slip
I’m ready to get ripped

Probably the best verse thus far but the last line doesn't really sound that great.



The ryhme structure is boring and predictable but I'm sure you know that, and I think the concept and (in some cases) delivery of this piece are good. Put a little more though into your message and I think this piece could be really excellent.

I'm critting this because you critted a piece of mine a while back and I never noticed that it had been bumped so anyway sorry for not getting back to you sooner and thanks for the crit.