#1
Spicy

My words are losing relevancy. I turn short stories into screenplays because the American public needs imagery. I lose interest, contrast, and comparisons. Painting monochrome pictures on canvas. {Not truly that effective}. I didn’t paint, I wrote about me painting and hoped that would create a picture {It doesn’t} I’ve lost the people. People want pictures and I’ve never been able to draw. What does that make me a failure, or a loss of life? So I talk. I persuade people to change their views because of the loss of an education. You have an opinion and I change that to mine. Throwing oil companies, political terms, and ethnic backgrounds you have no opinion on. You lose, relevant or not. I’m not right, I’m wrong, but I prove your wrong so that makes me right. I sweat. Making you feel that pressure until you break and lose your free speech cause you really don’t know what to say. I’m the anti-republic. I’m the lobbyist twelve year old who has an opinion on the way Mrs. DuPhree teaches her class. She’s losing enthusiasm and needs the flask. I feed on indecision. {Spicy}. Volume, more volume, bass. Creaking doors and clattering chains. I record the conversation and you watch the tape roll, it’s the only thing you’re really completely aware of. {I attack}. I watched discovery when I was eight and learned of predation and the will to survive, survival of the fittest. I incorporate that into every day life. I’m the legal murderer who gives you the new stack on life. Your life is a loss, and I just made them more evident. Spicy.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Feb 26, 2007,
#2
Pretty cool, I assume you're talking about like politicians and lawyers and stuff, the "vampires of society"? Umm, so I've been sitting here for a couple minutes, cant really think of anything to say... keep on truckin on!
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#3
I like this, it sort of reminds me of Zach de la Rocha's style of lyrics, probably because it seems to be angry at governmental figures.
#4
I liked it definitely got me thinking...
you started off pretty strong, but to me it just felt like you didn't keep it up
Boo!
#6
It's good. You ever seen Thank You for Smoking? A few lines reminded me of that movie. The beginning is definitely an apt description of the current situation of poetry. I don't think I could really critique something like this, so good job. I liked it a lot.
#8
Actually now that I think about it, it'd be way improved if you'd remove the bracketed parts. They don't really add anything and make it feel more immature than it should.
#10
the last to bracketed parts Spicy and I attack, I feel weren't necessary but all the others are good, so yeah maybe think about that, or rephrase those last two, I feel they were wayy too short, I dunno that's just my opinion.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#12
Well, it's good. A little raw though. The brackets are useless since I expected you to actually give directions as if it was really a screenplay and was disappointed. The part when you said you "talk" felt awkward since you are actually writing. I know what you meant though, so it still works in a way.

I think you should also put something more into the structure. I know you were going for the stream of consciousness but I still think you can work on it a bit more.

"everyday life", not "every day"


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#14
The whole painting bit seemed cliche but was interesting enough to make me finish reading. If you take out the brackets, you should leave what's inside them. The only part I would take out is the last time you say spicy. I also think indecision would taste pretty bland. Overall, really interesting work.
#15
mmmk as for the actuall piece (sorry I wasn't thinking straight I was doing something else while criting which I don't usually do). I really enjoyed it, just the whole thing just got me going so to speak. I found it to be very inspiring if you want me to be completely honest with you.

I love the opening:

My words are losing relevancy. I turn short stories into screenplays because the American public needs imagery. I lose interest, contrast, and comparisons. Painting monochrome pictures on canvas. {Not truly that effective}. I didn’t paint, I wrote about me painting and hoped that would create a picture {It doesn’t} I’ve lost the people. People want pictures and I’ve never been able to draw. What does that make me a failure, or a loss of life?

I don't have a clue what it is about it, but it just made me shudder, like in a good way. It actually painted a picture which is slightly ironic because in this sextion you said

"I didn't paint, I wrote about me painting and hoped that would create a picture (It doesn't)"

and i like that

Great song definetely I really loved it, I just was busy while criting so yeah sorry.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla