#1
Well this isnt my first song but after reading a couple of peoples songs i figured i could do with a bit of creative criticism. This is a song i made about my best friend who went out with a girl for ages (i became good friends with the girl as well) and then they broke up after fighting alot, afterwards they both wanted to get back together but didnt know what to do. so I wrote a song about it and this is it. its called "freshly cut flowers".. yes i was stuck for a title hahaha.

freshly cut flowers
walking hand in hand
helpless in a love
that they dont understand

and he's her guy
and shes his girl
and he is hers
and she's his world

she'll say
"baby your always going to be
your my everything
you are the only one
only one for me"
he'll say
"baby please never leave
you my everything
we could be forever
your the only one for me"

6 months later
she hangs up the fone
tears down her face
but shes not alone

as he holds her tight,
she holds him too
the spend the night holding
cuase they dont know what to do next.

she'll say
"baby your always there for me
please never ever leave
your my everything
the only one for me"
he'll say
"girl your the only one for me
please never ever leave
we could be forever
your my everything"

3 fights later and
she just doesnt know
he wants her back
but he dont know how to show

he loves her.
and he sings song after song
about breakups and her
and what went wrong

he'll say
"baby you were always there for me
but girl why did you leave
you were the only one
the only one for me"

but he doesnt know
she sits alone
thinking of him.
thinking of him
thinking of him and what went wrong.

she'll say
"baby you were always there for me
i wish that we could be
what we were before
your my everything
the only one
the only one
the only one
the only one for me.


I ask for feedback please =]
#2
sorry, this crit is kinda measly but here's my two cents:

I like the concept, i like the progression of ideas but you could implement it a bit better.

I would worry less about rhyming and more about getting your point across. You dig? I mean, if you focus on rhyming, sometimes you lose some of the stuff you really wanted to say in the first place.

Secondly, this song needs to be more original. You need to come up with a way to say everything without saying everything, you know? For example, if I was writing a song about something in the moonlight, i wouldn't write "the tree was bathed in moonlight." I would say someting like "it's rough skin is speckled by streams of transparent light," or something like that.

So be more creative and rhyme less. I'd like to see another draft of this. : )

-Edgar