#1
So this is a song that I feel is HIGHLY important to me, it is the story of how i can to live on this earth. It's kinda difficult to really admitt, so if you can guess what this song is addressing you can go ahead and say it and I'll tell you if you're right.

This is very serious and important to me, and expresses the story as best as can be recalled from my mother and from just what I would feel as a third party in that situation.

Just read on and please give me your critique.

As a reference I am Josh
I put where the solos are for sake of song structure
Enjoy.
HELP ME WITH THE TITLE!!!!!!!!

Deprive me of the air I breathe
I swear I am not worthy
Court the skies aboard a flame
Bathe in the Sun’s apathy

Enraged inside impurity
A biased soul will unwrap
Body tangled in apathy
For just one more night
Grab on,
Close up your mind,
Grab on,
This pathetic lie

Burning all the impure
Sanctifying all the secure

What a failure, born under the sand
The son of soil and ash (Bastard)
Travesty of the hollow shame
Mother will feel for her bastard
I am a bastard

Deception will be your guide
Encased inside the solemn ash
The way he has broken through
A kiss for all the pain
(The man who once held a bible
Has become blankly charred
A cursed son of sin and shame
He’ll use you to empower his rage)
Grab on,
Open your eyes,
Grab on,
Your pathetic life

Searing through the pure
Fortifying the insecure

What a failure, born under the sand
The son of soil and ash (Bastard)
Travesty of the hollow shame
Mother will feel for her bastard
I am a bastard

[Solo: Josh]

[I began to realize something was wrong
When the sky began to impale her
The way the spine was starting to seizure
From lying on the frigid ground
Punches bore straight inside her
Wondering when he would have enough
Beginning to worry, what would her mother think
If she knew her daughter was deflowered this way
She feel’s she’ll never be coming back
She’ll never be coming back alive
Please God help me/]

[Solo: Mike]
[Solo: Josh]

The agony begins to fade
Your eyes will slowly open
The way you feel as you rise
“Am I alive, no I’m surely dead.”
(Your cross is a bastard child
Hold him close until the day you die)

What a failure, born under the sand
The son of soil and ash (Bastard)
Travesty of the hollow shame
Mother will feel for her bastard
I am a bastard

Deprive me of the air I breathe
I swear I am not worthy
Court the skies upon a flame
The sun will feel no shame
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#2
I know double posting is strictly unallowed but i have a bunch of views but no replies, and I really want some sort of critique.

I'll delete this post after i get at least ONE critique.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#3
Quote by NoSoupForDeath
So this is a song that I feel is HIGHLY important to me, it is the story of how i can to live on this earth. It's kinda difficult to really admitt, so if you can guess what this song is addressing you can go ahead and say it and I'll tell you if you're right.

This is very serious and important to me, and expresses the story as best as can be recalled from my mother and from just what I would feel as a third party in that situation.

Just read on and please give me your critique.

As a reference I am Josh
I put where the solos are for sake of song structure
Enjoy.
HELP ME WITH THE TITLE!!!!!!!!

Deprive me of the air I breathe
I swear I am not worthy
Court the skies aboard a flame
Bathe in the Sun’s apathy

here i think you are talking about desert


Enraged inside impurity
A biased soul will unwrap
Body tangled in apathy
For just one more night
Grab on,
Close up your mind,
Grab on,
This pathetic lie

some sort of person to change things will rise or some person's thinking will change

Burning all the impure
Sanctifying all the secure

that raised figure or person will try to change things


What a failure, born under the sand
The son of soil and ash (Bastard)
Travesty of the hollow shame
Mother will feel for her bastard
I am a bastard

ok here i think you described yourself as a raised figure and the person who knows you feels a bit of sensless shame for you without any reason they just mock each other and your mother believes them

Deception will be your guide
Encased inside the solemn ash
The way he has broken through
A kiss for all the pain
(The man who once held a bible
Has become blankly charred
A cursed son of sin and shame
He’ll use you to empower his rage)
Grab on,
Open your eyes,
Grab on,
Your pathetic life

i think you wanted to describe how the person has changed some time ago seeing all the things going around. just like you

Searing through the pure
Fortifying the insecure

What a failure, born under the sand
The son of soil and ash (Bastard)
Travesty of the hollow shame
Mother will feel for her bastard
I am a bastard

after here you lost me

[Solo: Josh]

[I began to realize something was wrong
When the sky began to impale her
The way the spine was starting to seizure
From lying on the frigid ground
Punches bore straight inside her
Wondering when he would have enough
Beginning to worry, what would her mother think
If she knew her daughter was deflowered this way
She feel’s she’ll never be coming back
She’ll never be coming back alive
Please God help me/]

[Solo: Mike]
[Solo: Josh]

The agony begins to fade
Your eyes will slowly open
The way you feel as you rise
“Am I alive, no I’m surely dead.”
(Your cross is a bastard child
Hold him close until the day you die)

What a failure, born under the sand
The son of soil and ash (Bastard)
Travesty of the hollow shame
Mother will feel for her bastard
I am a bastard

Deprive me of the air I breathe
I swear I am not worthy
Court the skies upon a flame
The sun will feel no shame


plz tell me if i am correct maybe a little bit
Hi
#4
no it's completely off but this makes me realize how open and metaphorical it is, I am simply just born of a rape. So this song is about looking at rape from a third party view. I am born of soil and ash basically means i am born out of a shameful, discraceful mis-happening.

But that made me realize the possibilities, but desert? What I was saying with the opener is I'm not worthy of living, I need to "make up for being the son of a rape". And basically no matter how grand my doings are, even the Sun will still be apathetic towards me.

The verses are based on different emotions gathered from rape and the long part in brackets is a portion based on what my mom told me about the experience, just put into third person view.

But yeah thanks for helping me see another possible meaning. Cheers.

Any more comments, it's still a very fresh song, and very rough drafted, I'd love some comments on it
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#6
okay I commented yours.

Please can I have some more comments, i don't want to bother you guys, I just really would like more comments on this song.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#7
Aha! Now i have a chance to crit one of YOUR songs! lol

Quote by NoSoupForDeath
So this is a song that I feel is HIGHLY important to me, it is the story of how i can to live on this earth. It's kinda difficult to really admitt, so if you can guess what this song is addressing you can go ahead and say it and I'll tell you if you're right.

This is very serious and important to me, and expresses the story as best as can be recalled from my mother and from just what I would feel as a third party in that situation.

Just read on and please give me your critique.

As a reference I am Josh Nice to meet you Josh.
I put where the solos are for sake of song structure
Enjoy.
HELP ME WITH THE TITLE!!!!!!!!

Deprive me of the air I breathe
I swear I am not worthy A little Cliche, but an Emotional song as it is, It could fit.
Court the skies aboard a flame
Bathe in the Sun’s apathy

Enraged inside impurity
A biased soul will unwrap
Body tangled in apathy You used Apathy previously, im not 100% sure this would fit here...
For just one more night
Grab on,
Close up your mind,
Grab on,
This pathetic lie

Burning all the impure
Sanctifying all the secure Harshly emotional... I like lol.

What a failure, born under the sand
The son of soil and ash (Bastard) I found the (bastard) here very surprising and actually kind of humorous. Way to mix it up.
Travesty of the hollow shame Youre really getting the point across here...
Mother will feel for her bastard
I am a bastard I think this is the part where the point of the song starts to clear up.

Deception will be your guide
Encased inside the solemn ash
The way he has broken through
A kiss for all the pain
(The man who once held a bible
Has become blankly charred
A cursed son of sin and shame
He’ll use you to empower his rage) I liked the whole parenthases part, clarifying even more details in the song.
Grab on,
Open your eyes,
Grab on,
Your pathetic life

Searing through the pure
Fortifying the insecure

What a failure, born under the sand
The son of soil and ash (Bastard)
Travesty of the hollow shame
Mother will feel for her bastard
I am a bastard

[Solo: Josh]

[I began to realize something was wrong
When the sky began to impale her
The way the spine was starting to seizure
From lying on the frigid ground
Punches bore straight inside her
Wondering when he would have enough
Beginning to worry, what would her mother think
If she knew her daughter was deflowered this way
She feel’s she’ll never be coming back
She’ll never be coming back alive
Please God help me/]

This stanza REALLY gets deep, Im glad you put some kind of solo here or else I would think youre gettin a little too Deep. I think metaphorically you could have done better here, parts of it were kind of blunt, but depending on what kind of song it is, this could make it even better. This line could potentially make or break it?

[Solo: Mike]
[Solo: Josh]

The agony begins to fade
Your eyes will slowly open
The way you feel as you rise
“Am I alive, no I’m surely dead.”
(Your cross is a bastard child
Hold him close until the day you die)

What a failure, born under the sand
The son of soil and ash (Bastard)
Travesty of the hollow shame
Mother will feel for her bastard
I am a bastard

Deprive me of the air I breathe
I swear I am not worthy
Court the skies upon a flame
The sun will feel no shame


Deep shit man, I liked it alot. 9/10 for the emotional value. Youve critted mine already so thanks.
#8
Yeah I really tried to dig deep into an emotional field, something I don't do too often but I felt it needed to be done. As for the bluntness, well it was intended as more of a shock-factor kind of bluntness, and I agree with you on the "apathy" in the second stanza not fitting, I'll find a better word soon enough

Thanks man.

Any more crits?
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla