#1
This was my V-Day comp. entry. I rewrote the fist stanza, as I felt it was terrible. I will probably make more slight adjustments later. C4C.
I'd really like tips on the first stanza. Thanks.

Off-Center

Nightingales
with wings
capped by snow,
faulter in the blizzard
just to plummet
like shooting stars.
Two indents pressed
to pallid cheeks.
Anemic, frail, she
waivers in the breeze,
feints indifference
as snow-bleached
countenance.

When commitment is a ring,
beauty is tied in a gown.


Like pedals drowned
in the stream
and as a sleeve
caught in the thorns
we will cement wings
and paint ourselves
in the image of birds.
Valiant attempts at escape.
These portraits capture
us in embrace
perfection.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Feb 27, 2007,
#2
Very good.

I know that's a really unconstructive crit, but I just thought it was all brilliant. I can't find any faults. As the last line says, 'perfection'.

I'd like a crit in return (this has destroyed us in my sig) but I'd understand if you didn't because of my fairly short, simple critique =P.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT