#1
okay just before i start writing the song i want every one to know what it is about it is about teenage suicide i deciced to write a song about this because i have lost many freinds through this now when you read i don't wanna hear any comments saying i am unsensitive because well if u read this you woudln't okay and another thing in the song i am wrote it so it isnt me saying to kill yourself infact i dont know who i wrote it to be but any way here it is


go on now
kill yourself

no one knows
kill yourself

come on now
kill yourself

no one knows the pain

you sit around for hours wondering whats so rong with me
well no one knows the pain you feel so

go on now
kill yourself

no one knows
kill yourself

come on now
kill yourself

no one knows the pain you feel at night all alone
holding the gun it feels right now do it

go on now
kill yourself

no one knows
kill yourself

come on now
kill yourself now
A recent study shows that 92% of all teenagers have moved on to rap music. Put this in your profile if you are one of the 8% who stayed with the real music
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#2
This is going to seem harsh but...

The song is very basic and repetitive. Lines like 'come on now' and 'go on now' add very little to the piece, and repeating 'kill yourself' is hardly a subtle move. Also, a song about suicide - which are generally waaay too aboriginal nowadays - has to have a lot of emotion and feeling to make someone feel empathy for the pain the character is going through. The flow doesn't work either. Read the FAQ for tips on that I can't be arsed to explain.

The sad truth of it is, not one line in this song seems right as a lyric to me.


(By the way, I didn't get much from the paragraph at the beginning but I gather you 'don't know who wrote it'... The writing style matches that of your paragraph, and I'm doubting you'd really want a crit on it if you had no clue whose it was)
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#3
to be honest, it comes off extremely rushed. the only lines with any substance were the longer lines and they were almost void of any original thought. i dont want to bash your work man because ultimately its yours and you can do what you want, but if you are going to write a piece on such a sensitive topic id try brainstorming clear ideas that you want to convey. like i said this piece feels lifeless. also, the paragraph at the top was extremely confusing. like he said read the faqs and some of the stickys in this thread and put some more work into it.
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#5
As in 'rape me' by Nirvana?
Or the piece is as bad as rape?

If the first option, that song had a lot more depth and feeling.
If the second... well, that might be a little harsh, but I wouldn't know.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#6
I meant as by nirvana, ofc i know its true meaning and so on wasn't that i had in mind.. what I meant was that this looked like a bad copy of rape me.. like do it and do it and so on..

RIP kurdt
#7
Haha yeah now you explained it I can see what you mean...
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT