#1
this was written mostly OTS, with a bit of revision. lmk what you think.. : )

Terra Firma

the picture’s coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, crystallized;
leaves drop back to empty skies,
my skin tightens from the cold.

trees, their rough crust tattooed
by silvery streams of transparent light,
lift their sylvan arms in prayer,
embedded in the earth

hand aloft and finger raised,
I trace familiar constellations;
gradually, your face takes shape,
chiseled of the sky

I form your name upon my lips,
and send it soft across the sound
a satellite intercepts
electric potential abounds

I reach my hand, traverse the void
In hopes of finding something more,
my fingertips meet with yours,
pressed against all odds

the picture is coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, the wind cuts through me;
I stand here still as my bare feet
are swallowed by the sand
#2
What language is the title meant to be? Cause it's either Terra Firme (portuguese) or Tierra Firma (spanish)
#3
terra firma is latin for solid ground.. mas o menos. thanks for the ... crit?
#4
Well I'm a very shitty writer, so all I can offer is my feeble opinion, but her goes.

Quote by ndakasimba
Terra Firma

the picture’s coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, crystallized;
leaves drop back to empty skies,
my skin tightens from the cold.

I think that the last line really throws off the flow, and disrupts the reader's rhythm. Most likely because it deviates from the rhyme scheme.

trees, their rough crust tattooed
by silvery streams of transparent light,
lift their sylvan arms in prayer,
embedded in the earth

I think the "t" and "s" sounds are overdone here.

hand aloft and finger raised,
I trace familiar constellations;
gradually, your face takes shape,
chiseled of the sky

I think this was beautiful.

I form your name upon my lips,
and send it soft across the sound
a satellite intercepts
electric potential abounds

Here the "s" sound is really overdone, and makes it an awkward read, which doesn't help with the what in my opinion is an already weak flow.

I reach my hand, traverse the void
In hopes of finding something more,
my fingertips meet with yours,
pressed against all odds

This is my favorite stanza.

the picture is coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, the wind cuts through me;
I stand here still as my bare feet
are swallowed by the sand

This isn't that great of an ending. It is clearly an ending, when reading it I find the last line to seem too abrupt. Not as in content, but more as in flow, if you get what I'm saying. Also, I think that the last two lines would be better off separated from the first two.


Really strong piece in my opinion. A few issues but not too many.

Uhhhhhhh if you have the time could you crit mine, http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=534109.

but really nice job. I look forward to reading more of your pieces.

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#5
that "annoying s sound" is called alliteration. it's a poetic device, and i quite like it.

i see what you're saying about the abrupt ending though.. maybe I need another stanza before the end.

thanks.

edit: this post sounds harsh, eh? sorry... i really appreciate the crit.
Last edited by ndakasimba at Feb 27, 2007,
#6
Not to be an ass, but when "S" is the letter in question it is 'sibilance' whether it begins the word, stands it up in the middle or ends it.

I will crit this in due course.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
i really like your style... i would crit this but it's already been done. i think our writting is similar... could you take a look at mine? its called krystal. thnx in advance
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#9
the picture’s coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, crystallized;nice rhyming here
leaves drop back to empty skies,this was a bit confusing, i didnt notice it was talking about a leafs, till i read it a bit
my skin tightens from the cold.
yea this last line does kinda mess it up, ending it ubruptly, wierdly.

trees, their rough crust tattooed

embedded in the earth
i love it, but last lien doesnt seem long enough, mabe add 1 word

hand aloft and finger raised,
I trace familiar constellations;
gradually, your face takes shape,
chiseled of the sky
still nice, last line isnt too short, works decently here

I form your name upon my lips,
and send it soft across the sound
a satellite intercepts
electric potential abounds
nice, but abounds seems a bit forced

I reach my hand, traverse the void
In hopes of finding something more,
my fingertips meet with yours,
pressed against all odds
i was thinknig of ending it with 'cold' thats how i read it, then i noticed it was odds, not cold

the picture is coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, the wind cuts through me;
I stand here still as my bare feet
are swallowed by the sand
u could probly just cut the 'me' from line 2. plus add commas to line 3, i thoughtt u were saying u were as still as ur bare feet


very good, some of ur liens did make it sounds bit weird, some were missing commas making it hard to read/understand wat u were saying, overall, good piece, looking forward to seeing ya in the newbs comp
#10
the picture’s coming in clear tonight
Eh, could be better opener.
crisp and clean, crystallized;
leaves drop back to empty skies,
my skin tightens from the cold.
Nice imagery. Cold is too weak imo. And it cuts the flow in a way I don't like.

trees, their rough crust tattooed
by silvery streams of transparent light,
lift their sylvan arms in prayer,
embedded in the earth
Great.

hand aloft and finger raised,
I trace familiar constellations;
gradually, your face takes shape,
chiseled of the sky
chiseld from the sky possibly? Or im just missing the point... once again damn solid stuff here.

I form your name upon my lips,
and send it soft across the sound
a satellite intercepts
electric potential abounds
Awesome stuff.

I reach my hand, traverse the void
In hopes of finding something more,
my fingertips meet with yours,
pressed against all odds
The flow is being kept really well throughout this. Can't find much too fault.

the picture is coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, the wind cuts through me;
I stand here still as my bare feet
are swallowed by the sand
Still don't like this first line

Impressive. Sorry couldn't find much, was a really solid piece.
#11
cool cool, thanks. I'll def take some of the things you two pointed out into consideration and edit it in a bit. : )
#13
Terra Firma

the picture’s coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, crystallized;
leaves drop back to empty skies,
my skin tightens from the cold.
The first two lines don't connect with the second two...I'm still adrift as a reader at this point. Where are we? Who are you?

trees, their rough crust tattooed
by silvery streams of transparent light,
lift their sylvan arms in prayer,
embedded in the earth
Not a huge fan of the passive voice in lines 1-2. Also, how can the trees lift their arms in prayer if their arms are "Embedded in the earth"?

hand aloft and finger raised,
I trace familiar constellations;
gradually, your face takes shape,
chiseled of the sky
Chiseled of the sky? I mean, i guess.

I form your name upon my lips,
and send it soft across the sound
a satellite intercepts
electric potential abounds
Fix the meter in the last two lines and this will be an ace stanza.

I reach my hand, traverse the void
In hopes of finding something more,
my fingertips meet with yours,
pressed against all odds
Oh this was lovely.

the picture is coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, the wind cuts through me;
I stand here still as my bare feet
are swallowed by the sand
Nice stanza. really.

Okay, the main problem I have with your piece as a whole is that you've got multiple threads of imagery that never really seem to tie together. I've got the crisp picture thing, how everything seems to be lucid and in sharp focus when you reach out to this other entity, and the outer space thing, that's all good. But the trees? I couldn't find their connection to anything else in the piece. And then you bring quicksand in the last line. Why? It's got nothing to with anything else.

Sorry if this comes off as harsh,
but It's really a compliment that I can find enough depth in your piece to make serious criticism.
#14
yeah, I'm struggling with this one... the toughest part is, like you said, bringing it all together. usually it's not too hard, but this one is giving me a lot of trouble.

I think i'll repost after I get a better hold on it. Great criticism, by the way. This forum needs more honest crit.

: )
#15
Terra Firma

the picture’s coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, crystallized;
leaves drop back to empty skies,
my skin tightens from the cold.

I like the consonance with all the c's in this bit.
It kind of eliminates a need for a concrete
rhyme scheme, which is good. I think the last line
being arhythmic helps to create a nice caesura at
the end. A pause of sorts to stop and think for a sec
before the next stanza


trees, their rough crust tattooed
by silvery streams of transparent light,
lift their sylvan arms in prayer,
embedded in the earth

again, the repetition of sounds here is a plus
for me, not a minus. I think the imagery is good too.


hand aloft and finger raised,
I trace familiar constellations;
gradually, your face takes shape,
chiseled of the sky

I think my only beef in this one would
be chiseled of the sky. I may be wrong,
but I think chiseled in the sky,
or out of the sky (that would probably
wreck the rhythm though).


I form your name upon my lips,
and send it soft across the sound
a satellite intercepts
electric potential abounds

I like this bit. It's well worded.
The alliteration, or sibilance, or whatever
doesn't distract or anything. Keep it how it is.


I reach my hand, traverse the void
In hopes of finding something more,
my fingertips meet with yours,
pressed against all odds

I'm not sure about the 'I reach my hand' part.
I guess if it means what I think it does, it's
good. Nevermind, I'm rambling. It's good.


the picture is coming in clear tonight
crisp and clean, the wind cuts through me;
I stand here still as my bare feet
are swallowed by the sand

Again, I'm not bothered by the end, I think
an abrup stop can sometimes make it more
poignant. That's how it felt with this anyway.


Good job overall. Aside from a few very minor things, it's good.
Keep at it. When you've got some time, check out my thing about unicorns.
So you don't go into it thinking, what the hell? I wrote it with a friend to play
at an old folks home for a service project. It's all in jest.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=537412