#1
hi everybody, another continuing my new style. the word in bold is the word i wasn't sure on, if u don't like it, make suggestions to replace it, just make sure it has the same syllable count and works, and it has to mean the same as 'intentional'crit for crit. thanks

i see adept figurines,
cast in limpid water.
They dominate my sight,
and every entity.
Is it ironic that,
they all resemble hearts?
Or is everything predestined?

And they say theres no beauty left .
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Feb 26, 2007,
#2
Predestined works fine IMO.

I think the ending 'a mere coincidence' is somewhat of an anti-climax though, and I'm not sure what you meant with 'every identity' I can't really understand what you meant with identity. It's not the right word for what you were describing as far as I can tell.

Apart from that, it was good. Good short poem. Nice imagery.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#4
i think he means it feels like you build up an opinion, quite strongly i add, and then the last line turns in the other direction and blames it on coincidence. also, the last line reads(to me) as kind of sarcasm, arguing that beauty must be sought out but it still lies in some people, but in the post above mine you make it seem that the beauty is gone. i like predesitined, but another word that would fit could be "supposed," for example. whatever you like man. good piece. ps, your username is most excellent feel free to crit any of mine if you get the chance VVV
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Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Feb 26, 2007,
#5
I know what identity means (obviously) but the word wasn't appropriate. The use of the word to mean a person is generally when they are defined by something. Taking over an identity would be like stealing a passport... Try entity in its place. (I know the syllable length is different but I think it would flow better anyway like that).

As for the anti-climax, I meant that I thought it all built up to an image and I was expecting something to just end this short moment you're describing but instead you just suddenly snatched the idea away, saying 'or is a coincidence?' and cut it off... It's like you've just dropped the whole thing just before the end.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
Quote by ragglefraggle
hi everybody, another continuing my new style. the word in bold is the word i wasn't sure on, if u don't like it, make suggestions to replace it, just make sure it has the same syllable count and works, and it has to mean the same as 'intentional'crit for crit. thanks

i see absolute figurines
cast of limpid freshwater.
They dominate my whole sight,
and every identity.
Is it predestined that
they all resemble hearts,
or a mere coincidence?

And they say theres no beauty left....


line 5,6,7 was my fav.

i liked it and where you asked for the replacement . i am little bit tired and my mind is not working that sharp but i have 1 word in my mind i.e "ordained"
well some 1 above me said


And they say theres no beauty left....


is a sort of sarcastic remark . well i dont find it that much sarcastic. i find it as a representation of a fact like every object you possess lies right inside your house but sometime you dont find it because you are not looking properly for it

Anyway i liked it . i wish i could write like you
Hi
#8
i see absolute figurines
cast of limpid freshwater. <-- you see what? i would take out limpid for sure. that word is not the best, imo. soo i would choose another word that means "clear." actully, i'm not even sure if you want that. think about what you really want to say about the figurines, not about the water, then replace limpid with a better word.

They dominate my whole sight,
and every entity. <--- entity is okay..
Is it predestined that
they all resemble hearts,
or a mere coincidence?

And they say theres no beauty left....

i see where you're going with this, but i would let it float around in my head for a bit and work a few things out. good effort though, it's always good to try out new styles.

i just posted a new one, terra firma. in my sig, if you feel so inclined. : )
#10
I've read your other poems (which i find very well built), but i dont see what your style is, can you explain?.
#12
Oh I see, well i've reviewed ur material(ones in ur sig), and they're all good. keep it up!
#13
Pretty good i really like it all even though its short, it delivers a well built message.
#14
Quote by ragglefraggle
i like the word ordained alot, i may end up changing it.


thnx it's the first time someone liked the word i suggested
Hi
#15
dude, you would need to say "ordained" but even then, you would need to write "preordained" to have the same meaning as "predestined." K?

: '

edit: if you must use the word limpid, at least take out "fresh" from "freshwater" or replace "freshwater" with a 2 syllable word like "liquid." but don't use liquid 'cause it sounds bad.
#16
i see absolute figurines
cast of limpid freshwater.
you want to say "in limpid freshwater" here,
not "of limpid freshwater". "of" doesn't work.
also, i don't like "absolute figurines". oh. and.
i also agree with the guy above me with the
whole "take out the 'fresh' in 'freshwater'" idea.


They dominate my whole sight,
and every entity.
i don't like these lines.
they just sound awkward.


Is it ordain that
ordain isn't a very good word for this.
it just doesn't seem to work here.

they all resemble hearts,
or mere coincidence?
i'd say "or is it mere coincidence".
it just ends up sounding better.


And they say theres no beauty left....
nice ending line, albeit a bit cliche.

anyways. it's actually pretty nice.
a bunch of little things you could do,
but overall, it's actually pretty decent.

you're getting a lot better.

good work.

I just want to sleep forever.


#19
lol, ok any ideas? cuz i didnt like predestined wither, i liked ordain a little, but then i realized i'd have to change it to make it work. ugh, im out of ideas.


EDIT : heres somthing i thought up, it switches it around...

i see adept figurines,
cast in limpid water.
They dominate my sight,
and every entity.
Is it ironic that,
they all resemble hearts?
Or is everything predestined?

And they say theres no beauty left .
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Feb 26, 2007,
#20
Either**********

Travis.. you need to like check when you type because you have alot of typos in your messages.
#22
Liking the new version. Keep it up.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#23
Quote by break-me-in
Liking the new version. Keep it up.


i just agree with him
Hi
#24
I see adept figurines,
cast in limpid water.
They dominate my sight,
and every entity.
Is it ironic that,
they all resemble hearts?
I think it should end here, but that's just me, and I didn't really like the last line. Like maybe you could put in a few lines after entity, then have the ending be the two lines above. But that might end up changing your message, and it is your piece, it's just my opinion.
Or is everything predestined?

And they say theres no beauty left .

For a piece this short it's okay, but with all short pieces there's little room for improvement. Also I thought you used some good vocabulary, but it's mostly limpid that makes me think that.

I've seen you've been looking for some vets (I don't really consider myself a vet) first pieces, here's a link to my very first set of lyrics "My Heart's on Fire" Back when I wrote it I thought it was the ****, but now re-reading it makes me cringe. I liked your idea of S&L vets putting their first pieces up.
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 2, 2007,