#1
Howdy Doody.

This is the first track from the concept album / musical I'm working on at the moment.

Around half of the lines were improvised, as these are taken from what the recording dictated. There's a couple alterations added, that will be featured on the final cut.

I'm most fond of the chow mein pun, although I'm dissapointed with other lines.

crit for crit.

---------------

Hiroshima, Hiroshima, Hiroshima
(repeat as a chant, fade in&hellip

The Atom bomb fell on Japan
No survivors in this proud land
It is time to call off the invasion
Hiroshima, Hiroshima, Hiroshima

I am but a working man
On a fishing boat very happy I am
The united states has us in a right jam
Hiroshima, Hiroshima, Hiroshima

The Shogun showed no respite
So another city went up that night
Nagasaki’s swan song was the final twilight
Hiroshima, Hiroshima, Hiroshima

Origami cannot help us now
Cut off from the mains we have no chow
Roosevelt is the precursor of Chairman Mao
Hiroshima, Hiroshima, Hiroshima

(tasty palm muted chords&hellip
The atom bomb fell on Japan
No survivors in all of the land
The mushroomhead is a sign of change
W*nk’s Massage Parlour goes up in flames
They sell themselves, those dirty *****s
Now a cultured people we will do it no more
Our economy is dying on the floor
Happier times cannot be recalled
Citzens are being raped
The Shogun interrogates
This is what we get for listening to hate
Hiroshima, Hiroshima, Hiroshima
#2
It's done well. Different than anything I have ever heard which is good, you don't want to be like 50 other artists.

Cut off from the mains we have no chow - this seems a little forced.

Citzens are being raped - this also does not flow very well, and could also cause quite a bit of controversy which might be what your going for.

They sell themselves, those dirty *****s - idk about this

I am no professional so take my opinoins for what they're worth. It's good though great work.
#3
haha, "cut of from the Main we have no Chow"! hahahaaa get it? they're cut off from the main, and they have no chow, and chow means food!! haha, and it's about japan, where they have chow mein!! hahahaaaa, get it? ....

....

....

.... sorry. : P
#5
being of japanese decent, and hearing some accounts of hiroshima, i feel this song, is actually VERY accurate. I love it, I have written japanese topical songs (i.e. Kamikaze which i posted here a while ago (search it if you want to), but I never got around to the whole hiroshima aspect. It really captures the facts, and even mentions the usually forgotten city of Nagasaki. Great job. The work in general is amazing. I haven't listened to the demo yet but I swear I will when I can.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#6
I'm sorry, I think my crit sounds overly harsh, and for what it's worth, this isn't a bad piece, but I had issues with it:

I like the chanting throughout the song, sounds like it would be fun live, and it's a good topic, but I thought you approached it with less emotion than you could have done. You get across some of the political aspect, particularly in the last stanza (where I imagined it to speed up - haven't listened to the demo yet) but there's none of the panic or destruction in there really. Also, some of the language really didn't suit, eg. "a right jam"? There's a bloody understatement. Thousands have been adversely affected by the bomb, whether it's straight-up death or birth deformities.

The rhyming sounded a bit off some of the time, by which I mean a lot of it was forced to try and fit in, and yet there were some parts completely exempt from the rhyming. That seemed neither consistant nor intelligent. Also, whilst I haven't listened to the demo, I'm not sure how it could flow all the way... Still, I guess you've got that worked out if there's a recording.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
Thanks guys.

I'm rerecording this next week in the studio, so I will have a work on those lyrics.

I agree that the jam line is one of the weakest, what's worse is that its one of the lines I had written down and weren't made up on the spot, It's gonna need some change.

As for the flow, I don't think it's too bad on the cut, a lot of the poor lines translate well, and my writing style has very strange phrasing - one of the songs for my band, kitten without a home is very hard to sing, our singer has classical training and can't nail it.

Still, I have no idea what sounds good or bad, so there's a high probability you're right.