#1
Hey I tried writing a love/romantic song looking for some criticism. I know that the rhyme scheme is AABB, but I feel that that sort of rhyme is better for love songs and is more poetry like, which almost all girls love poetry.

Love blooms, a thing of desire,
She grooves burning like a fire.
I know I’ve never said to you,
What I feel and you haven’t got a clue.

I want to see you when I’m flying,
The breeze blows and I’m still sighing.
She knows now, decision is deferred,
She supposes that she must deter.

I need to know, what we are here for?
I need to know, why do you shut the door?
You leave me, calling me a liar.
You need me, can we please cease-fire.

I think of her when I’m high,
Through the window a divine sunrise.
Smell the cool mountain air,
I’ve taken all that I can bear.

I need to know, what we are here for?
I need to know, why do you shut the door?
You leave me, calling me a liar.
You need me, can we please cease-fire.

The time is now, the time for us,
You know in your heart, no more to discuss.
Everything is fine and all is sublime,
I feel it that’s why I’m singing this rhyme.

I need to know, what we are here for?
I need to know, why do you shut the door?
You leave me, calling me a liar.
You need me, can we please cease-fire.

I love you; don’t know why I’d stray,
They ask me and I still say nay.
After it all, I could never leave you,
After it all, I could never say adieu.

I need to know, what we are here for?
I need to know, why do you shut the door?
You leave me, calling me a liar.
You need me, can we please cease-fire.


It kills me, a torturous pain.
That you accuse me, but do not ascertain.
I feel the sting, an icy lance,
You say we’ve lost all romance.

I need to know, what we are here for?
I need to know, why do you shut the door?
You leave me, calling me a liar.
You need me, can we please cease-fire.

I call to you, and an answer is heard,
I say I hope you realize that it’s absurd.
A nod, and the quarrel is over,
It’s all over; our war is over.
#3
To be honest, I'm not sure. IMO it got boring really quickly, but I'm a guy, so I don't know what a girl would think. The rhyming seemed very forced in my opinion, and the piece as a whole seemed very "basic" for lack of a better word. It seemed like you were trying to put in emotion, but tried so hard, that ironically, there was nothing to be felt from it. Sorry to be harsh, but that's just my opinion. If you get a chance could you check mine out? (see sig) thanks
#4
Thanks being harsh is what this forum needs imo, it's the only way to know. Yeah I understand what your saying though. This was just my first romantic lyric so i guess i didn't really expect them to be good, but thanks a lot the advice was good. Anyone else have an opinion?