#1
Aloha, this is my first post so i figured I'd psot one of my older songs to start my forum life off. I hope you enjoy, since I'm from the carribean I've always enjoyed melo tunes so obviously jack johnson would be one of my favored musicians thus my music tends to have that vibe.


PICK UP THE PIECE:

Hey wahine how do you do?
Why is it that you seem so blue,
surely nothing could be that sad?
How can you look out the window and cry,
as the whole world passes you by?
Nothing in this world is worth much to holdin on.
Great big waves of life crash down,
sometimes you may even want to drown,
in the strength of it but that shouldn't be the case.
Pick up the pieces and carry them around,
scatter them all through your favorite part of town,
don't dwell on the sad the bad,
just move on and keep going glad,
that you got the pieces,
so grab and move,
pick up the pieces with a new attitude,
my friend i promise its gonna be ok.


Nothing should ever hold you back,
you should just shrug off all the slack,
that holds you and and drags you down.
Pick up the pieces throw on a smile,
sit and watch the sand blow for a while,
nothing will stay that sad for long,
Pick up the pieces don't drop a frown,
just get up and head into town,
dropping all the pieces,
you picked up on the way.

Pick up the pieces don't look down,
no such thing as a drop where you drown,
if you pick up the pieces and blow them away.

(Old song of mine hope its not too horrible still trying to learn to write songs using that whole hook idea. i just tend to write and sing in a narrative way, have yet to figure out if thats good or bad though.)
"Hey bro what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to call god!"
"why?"
"I dunno but its kinda pointless, no one ever picks up."
#2
Hey, I liked this, it sounds good. Full crit...
Quote by Everboards

PICK UP THE PIECE:

Hey wahine how do you do?
Why is it that you seem so blue,
surely nothing could be that sad?
How can you look out the window and cry,
as the whole world passes you by?

Great, really nice rhyming, I liked this intro.

Nothing in this world is worth much to holdin on.
Great big waves of life crash down,
sometimes you may even want to drown,
in the strength of it but that shouldn't be the case.

Hm, I liked the phrasing and the idea, but the rhyming not so much. The down-drown rhyme seems a little bit forced and also, in the intro there were consonant rhymes everywhere, in this stanza you completely changed it and 1st-4th lines don't actually rhyme with anything at all. Maybe it's too much of a change from one verse to another? Dunno, just an opinion here. Perhaps you could try rephrasing some lines to change the rhyming.

Pick up the pieces and carry them around,
scatter them all through your favorite part of town,
don't dwell on the sad the bad,
just move on and keep going glad,
that you got the pieces,
so grab and move,
pick up the pieces with a new attitude,
my friend i promise its gonna be ok.

First four lines - really good, I liked them, I wouldn't change anything.

5th line,"That you got the pieces", sounds too short, maybe you could try changing it to "That you got the pieces back" or something like that.

The use of "My friend", not quite my style, but it does go well with the rest of the song, so nothing to say there.

Nothing should ever hold you back,
you should just shrug off all the slack,
that holds you and and drags you down.

Nice, I liked the phrasing, I liked the rhyming.

Pick up the pieces throw on a smile,
sit and watch the sand blow for a while,
nothing will stay that sad for long,
Pick up the pieces don't drop a frown,
just get up and head into town,
dropping all the pieces,
you picked up on the way.

First five lines, liked them very much, they sound great. But then you used the word "town" again, and the last too lines seem completely out of place, not because of what they say, but because they're quite short and again, odd rhyming. So I'd change that last bit.

Pick up the pieces don't look down,
no such thing as a drop where you drown,
if you pick up the pieces and blow them away.

Hm, you used "drown" again... try not to be repetitive. Maybe you could do a shorter but more effective ending for the song... for example - "Pick up the pieces, once again // Just pick up the pieces and blow them away" Just an idea.

All in all, I really liked it, it's got a nice style, really good intro, I liked the repeated use of the phrase "Pick up the pieces" (in that case, repetition does sound good, lol), and quite good rhyming too. Just watch that the rhyming doesn't sound too forced, and also you could change the parts that seem a bit out of place. Great job!
Got too deep but - how deep is too deep?

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#4
Thanks,
Sorry I was away doing some work stuff, just got back.
Thanks glad someone checked it out. I'm still new to the whole lyrics writing thing when it comes to this type of music. I try to let the song flow out and try not to rhyme excessivly, guess i should have looked out for that haha. I'm a vocals guy normally but I'm learning to guitar cus I always wanted to know how to play and be able to write the music for my own songs. I'll definitly review what you said, it all seemed like great input so mahalo for that. Also I'll be sure to check out you're song in a minute. once again sorry it took so long for me to get back to you on all this.

Sincerely Boomer,
Aloha nui loa!
"Hey bro what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to call god!"
"why?"
"I dunno but its kinda pointless, no one ever picks up."
#5
Hey before I even begin the reworked version I'd greatly appreciate atleast one more crit if able? Mahalo in advance.

Sincerely Boomer,
Aloha nui loa!
"Hey bro what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to call god!"
"why?"
"I dunno but its kinda pointless, no one ever picks up."