#1
It never goes away...
Hovering suspicion
Rising premonition
Of what is yet to come.

You say you're here to stay...
A misinterpretation
Selfish degradation
I think you want to run.

It seemed like perfection
You gave it a short while
You've seen my defections
You said it would be fine.
But you are no exception
'Cause you just can't be mine.

These games we shouldn't play...
So-called democracy
Call it hipocracy
This game of yours is done.

You're asking me to stay...
A proven suspicion
Truthful premonition
So long and it's been fun.

You thought it perfection
But now i'll leave you in style.
Give me my directions
And i know ill be fine.
'Cause you are no exception
And you just can't be mine.

I'll run as fast as i can
'Cause i'll follow my old plan.
You'll forget about me quick
'Cause thoughts of me don't stick.
#2
To be honest i really liked it! It has a simple style and simple words and the way you manage to use premonition and words rhyming with premonition alot gave it a sort of garish charm to it which gives the peice real emotion!

the one line i dont like in the whole of it is 'Cause you just can't be mine i think it breaks away from the style which i noticed (may not have been deliberate) of never actually turning it into a love song of which there are so many around!

- Grundy
#3
Thanks, but i though i was kinda going against the trend, because its kinda like denying love. thx for your input!
#4
i liked your piece . i especially liked how it flowed which was gr8 . i also liked the alteration in what i believe is the chorus . i also liked the ending.

overall good job i liked ur piece . what kind of music by the way
Hi
#7
Quote by ryananger
It never goes away...
Hovering suspicion
Rising premonition
Of what is yet to come.

decent start, not much to say because of its simple style

You say you're here to stay...
A misinterpretation
Selfish degradation
I think you want to run.

i like this. simple again but to the point. the abbc rhyme is nice

It seemed like perfection
You gave it a short while
You've seen my defections
You said it would be fine.
But you are no exception
'Cause you just can't be mine.

okay here the rhyming starts to sound forced and just makes the piece seem fake because the stanza is based around the rhyme and the rhyme is definitely predictable. i would suggest maybe working on that

These games we shouldn't play...
So-called democracy
Call it hipocracy
This game of yours is done.

again im not huge on the rhyme. the message here is done to death and i think if you could hide it behind a metaphor or something it could come off not sounding cliche

You're asking me to stay...
A proven suspicion
Truthful premonition
So long and it's been fun.

short/simple. pretty nice stanza here

You thought it perfection
But now i'll leave you in style.
Give me my directions
And i know ill be fine.
'Cause you are no exception
And you just can't be mine.

I'll run as fast as i can
'Cause i'll follow my old plan.
You'll forget about me quick
'Cause thoughts of me don't stick.

these last two stanzas again contain some pretty generic rhyme but still have potential if you kept the message and re worded some of the rhymes and ect.


you definitely have the basic outline of this piece done but i think theres much to be improved. nice start though 6/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531524
^theres mine if you want to crit it, its pretty short