#1
She tells me about how she
walked out on three kids and a husband.
She can't go back to Washington for
writing bad checks.
I'd like to see that house that you grew up in.
To swipe my finger on the wall and rub
off some of that tension that built up on it.
Your mother's stitching teeth on a quilt at the
Perry Halfway House.
Your father's giving head in a deer stand in
the Cuyahoga Forest.
Your brother's making babies until he fucks
out his insomnia.
You strangled your sister with your umbilicle cord
23 years ago.

Your throwing rocks towards the sky,
but baby, he's not going to do anything for us.
"The grass is so noisy I can barely shit! Turn it down!"
Calm down.
Semper fi, soldier.
"Too late."
Semper fi, fucker! Slow down!
Why are you in such a hurry?
"Because every vinyl record can be boiled into heroin."
Because every televised football
game is a secret mafia sting.
Because cement contains the fossils of dinosaurs."
Well my dear, everyone's done vinyl heroin before.
Everyone's taken part in a mafia sting.
Dinosaurs were dead before we mixed their bones with cement.

I understand this isn't where you want or need to be.
But let me help you rise up with fists clenched.
We'll share my bank account and we'll be set.
I wanna be your Thelma, if you'll just be my Louise.
Poor advice.
Last edited by stellar_legs at Feb 27, 2007,
#4
This is easily the most comprehensible out of all the things i've read by you. : )

She tells me about how she
walked out on three kids and a husband.
She can't go back to Washington for
writing bad checks.
I'd like to see that house that you grew up in. <-- who's "you"? you started out in third person, then switched. I'd keep it in one tense unless you've started talking about someone new.
To swipe my finger on the wall and rub
off some of that tension that built up on it. <--- great line
Your mother's stitching teeth on a quilt at the
Perry Halfway House.
Your father's giving head in a dear stand in <---- "deer" stand maybe?
the Cuyahoga Forest.
Your brother's making babies until he ****s
out his insomnia.
Your strangled your sister with your umbilical cord <--- "you" strangled your sister, not "your." just silly grammatical mistakes.
23 years ago.

Your throwing rocks towards the sky,
but baby, he's not going to do anything for us. <--- the father?
"The grass is so noisy I can barely shit! Turn it down!"
Calm down.
Semper fi, soldier.
"Too late."
Semper fi, ****er! Slow down!
Why are you in such a hurry?
"Because every vinyl record can be boiled into heroin." <--- i don't think you should end this quote, cause you end it again later without starting it again...
Because every televised football <--- awkward line break.
game is a secret mafia sting.
Because cement contains the fossils of dinosaurs."
Well my dear, everyone's done vinyl heroin before.
Everyone's taken part in a mafia sting.
Dinosaurs were dead before we mixed their bones with cememnt. <--- *cement

I understand this isn't where you want or need to be.
But let me help you rise up with fists clenched.
We'll share my bank account and we'll be set.
I wanna be your Thelma, if you'll just be my Louise. <--- great ending. i dig it.

i love this piece. the grammatical errors were the only thing that detracted from it's performance. i've gotten a little more used to your style, so i get it a bit more now, plus this one is pretty straightforward. i prefer it to your more inapproachable stuff.

peace -edgar
#5
Thanks. I just noticed the rammatical stuff.

Everything else (the line breaks, swithcing from 'her' to 'you', etc.) is intentional.
Poor advice.