#1
Hey yall,

i havent been able to dedicate any time to writing recently, but it was a particularly slow day at work today, and i was feeling particularly bitter about the london underground so i wrote this.
Its a bit different stylistically to other stuff i've written, but i kinda liked it so lemme know what ya think. it seemed sort of Betjumen meets poe to me, but like i say, lemme know what ya think.
Its about london, but if you have ever worked (or been to, for that matter) in a faceless big city, you may be able to relate.

ITs totally unfinished, so constructive crits would be greatly appreciated

C4C, of course.

cheers

====================================================


18 feet

Proximity dictates
That we needn’t search too far.
They swarm and flock and prop up all the trendy local bars.
Shilling Schlock, and talking stock,
And sipping city drinks,
Trailing black
From fingers smeared with
Evening Standard Printers ink.
Indie Readers Broadly think
Freely exuding pseudo-class.
Yet still they search for answers in the bottom of an empty glass.
“Fill ‘er up again,
So we forget we’re all the same”
Keep believing the fantasies of grandeur that you entertain.
For when it rains and bloated silver clouds in heaven finally open up,
You’ll be washed into the gutter and you’ll drown just like the rest of us.


You’re never more than 18 feet
From vermin on the gold paved streets
Highgate Bronze black cats could eat well every day for ever more.
To the center point, of where they meet
They shuffle feet from west and east
Clad in Bubonic brogues that agitate and plague the cobbled sores.
Pinstriped and wielding attaché cases,
The fleets beat on at steady paces
Rats racing towards their destinations
Knocking obstructions to the floor.
Routinely from day to day
the town becomes awash with grey
deep down im sure nobody wants this lifestyle any more.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#2
Wow, this was really great.

I'm in a rush, so I can't do a full crit, but this really caught my eye. I'll get to it when I get home.
Poor advice.
#3
Quote by stellar_legs
Wow, this was really great.

I'm in a rush, so I can't do a full crit, but this really caught my eye. I'll get to it when I get home.


I agree. There is no way in hell this should be on the second page.




Proximity dictates
That we needn’t search too far.
They swarm and flock and prop up all the trendy local bars.
Shilling Schlock, and talking stock,
And sipping city drinks,
Trailing black
From fingers smeared with
Evening Standard Printers ink.



This is really great stuff you've got going on, some killer lines. the last four lines of this bit are amazing, and I really like the kind of loose couplets. Its good to see someone rhyming pairs without the rigidity that makes formats like that a jail. I love concrete references so the "Evening Standard" line really appeals. This is one of my favourite bit's of writing I've seen in a while.



Indie Readers Broadly think
Freely exuding pseudo-class.
Yet still they search for answers in the bottom of an empty glass.
“Fill ‘er up again,
So we forget we’re all the same”
Keep believing the fantasies of grandeur that you entertain.



I still really like the couplets you use here, and there is nothing I would change as such. maybe add "in" to the last line - "believing in the fantasies..." but that, I think, is all. The switch to second person in the last line was a bit unnatural, as you adressed the people as "they" a few lines above. Switching to "you" is perfectly valid, but it changes the feel of the naration. It's gone from a kind of spaced-out, bird eye veiw, to a closer, more intimate look at the proceedings.



For when it rains and bloated silver clouds in heaven finally open up,
You’ll be washed into the gutter and you’ll drown just like the rest of us.



This makes the lat line above more sensical. I like these two lines. bitter, and cynical. I like the juxtposition of lexis... gross and negative adjective "bloated" coupled with "silver" and "heaven". Cool imagery.



You’re never more than 18 feet
From vermin on the gold paved streets
Highgate Bronze black cats could eat well every day for ever more.
To the center point, of where they meet
They shuffle feet from west and east
Clad in Bubonic brogues that agitate and plague the cobbled sores.



The first two lines here are excelent, really really uber good. Is Highgate Bronze a place? Because bronze-black is a colour that would be hard to imagine as an adjective. I don't really like the syntax of line four - "the centre point, of where they meet". It makes sense, I suppose, but it sounds odd and disrupts the flow. Maybe just take out the comma, I dunno. The last line is a bit wordy, moving away from the contemporary feel of the rest. Doesnt seem to fit in to me, but that's just my opinion. I hate old poetry.



Pinstriped and wielding attaché cases,
The fleets beat on at steady paces
Rats racing towards their destinations
Knocking obstructions to the floor.
Routinely from day to day
the town becomes awash with grey
deep down im sure nobody wants this lifestyle any more.



This is the only place, to my mind, where the rhyming sounds slightly forced. The last three or four lines, in fact, seem some of the weakest of the whole thing. The rhymes aren't that imaginative, neither are the metahpors. Grey? It was so last month. It's been said before, and its not really an exciting or interesting way of conveying a feeling. Other than that, this peice is really really strong. Keep up the printing ink etc, extend the good bits down to the end, and this will be great. Cool work.


Here's mine if you have some time:

Trading Blows for Highway Crashes




love is a dog from hell.



#4
cheers stellarlegs.

and wow, thanks wehavesound. if only i could sig your whole crit

you read my mind with the ending. i did it at work today and wasnt finished by the time half 5 came around so to be honest i rushed it. i wanted some opinions, couldnt be bothered to email it to myself and my boss is an arsehole and reads everyones saved files, so i just posted. my bad. im definately gonna finish it though, i just wanted to see what people thought

i also know what you mean about the change in perspective. it seemed a little off to me too, but i wasnt sure.

i'll take it all on board for the revised version. thanks

and my ego thanks your praise.

oh, and the bronze black cat is a statue of dick whittingtons cat that is in highgate.
in the center point thing is a bit of a clumsy reference to a bulding in london. its just off of tottenham court road, and to me tottenham court road sort of epitomises london.

i'll get cracking on yours tomorrow.

peace out.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
Last edited by FunkasPuck at Feb 27, 2007,
#5
Quote by FunkasPuck


====================================================


18 feet

Proximity dictates
That we needn’t search too far.
They swarm and flock and prop up all the trendy local bars.
Shilling Schlock, and talking stock,
And sipping city drinks,
Trailing black
From fingers smeared with
Evening Standard Printers ink.

wow loved this. great imagery, great flow. perfect start

Indie Readers Broadly think
Freely exuding pseudo-class.
Yet still they search for answers in the bottom of an empty glass.
“Fill ‘er up again,
So we forget we’re all the same”
Keep believing the fantasies of grandeur that you entertain.
For when it rains and bloated silver clouds in heaven finally open up,
You’ll be washed into the gutter and you’ll drown just like the rest of us.

i liked the 1st 2 lines and the next two im not really into. they seem pretty cliche and the rest of this really isnt except the 2nd to last line also. i definitely like what you're saying here but i think changing a couple of those lines would really put this stanza over the top instead of just being an okay stanza.


You’re never more than 18 feet
From vermin on the gold paved streets
Highgate Bronze black cats could eat well every day for ever more.
To the center point, of where they meet
They shuffle feet from west and east
Clad in Bubonic brogues that agitate and plague the cobbled sores.

loved this

Pinstriped and wielding attaché cases,
The fleets beat on at steady paces
Rats racing towards their destinations
Knocking obstructions to the floor.
Routinely from day to day
the town becomes awash with grey
deep down im sure nobody wants this lifestyle any more


this again is awesome. nice diction and perfect flow. my only complaint is the last line. i like what you are trying to say but it just seems like its presented in a cliche way. i think if that was improved upon this would be 10/10...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531524

theres mine if you have time^ let me know when you post another piece i definitely will wanna check it out

i was semi let down with the


----------------------------------------------------
#6
thanks rushmore, nice crit.
the problem with all my pieces seems to be that i try and finish them in one go, and they generally peter out towards the end.

i'll get back to you guys with lovely crits asap.

cheers

peace out.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#7
didn't think I'd miss this did you? Silly boy!


18 feet

Proximity dictates
That we needn’t search too far.
They swarm and flock and prop up all the trendy local bars.
I'd cut the first "and" in this. So that the rhyme coincides wth the next line, the syllable count at present is 4/3 it'd work better as 3/3.
Shilling Schlock, and talking stock,
And sipping city drinks,
Trailing black
From fingers smeared with
Evening Standard Printers ink.
Excellent few lines really perfect example of london, being a london lad myself I see this oh so clearly.
Indie Readers Broadly think
Freely exuding pseudo-class.
I'm not sure I like the use of freely here, I think if you were to weigh up their fake-class with some kind of amount, perhaps something detrimental to their intelligence, or lack of humane qualities it would be a far stronger set of lines.
Yet still they search for answers in the bottom of an empty glass.
“Fill ‘er up again,
So we forget we’re all the same”
Hehe I thought about adding the name "Carla" to the end of the speech, for some slight allusion to "Cheers" while that was American, it is intrinsically linked to the ideas in the piece. I also didn't like how you used "we" here, as though you are a part of this group yourself.
Keep believing the fantasies of grandeur that you entertain.
For when it rains and bloated silver clouds in heaven finally open up,
You’ll be washed into the gutter and you’ll drown just like the rest of us.
I thought this part was a bit wordy, I'm sure its possible to cut some of this part to make it read more efficiently. Perhaps level yourself with the gutter, saying "you'll be seeing them soon" kinda thing, not to insinuate you're gutter slime, but to them I know they think that.


You’re never more than 18 feet
From vermin on the gold paved streets
Highgate Bronze black cats could eat well every day for ever more.
Great lines.
To the center point, of where they meet
They shuffle feet from west and east
Clad in Bubonic brogues that agitate and plague the cobbled sores.
Pinstriped and wielding attaché cases,
The fleets beat on at steady paces
Rats racing towards their destinations
Knocking obstructions to the floor.
Routinely from day to day
the town becomes awash with grey
deep down im sure nobody wants this lifestyle any more.
Yeah these lines aren't the best ending, althought that said, it is a difficult piece to end, the theme is through the entire piece, so it is very hard to find a philosophical ending. Unfortunatly I'm kinda stumped for an idea myself, if I do think of anything then I'll get back to you. Overall this is a great unique piece, and I agree fully, it captures london very well indeed. Nuff said. Nice work man, always a pleasurable read.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
eeey, cheers bro. appreciate it, as always.
its nice to know its being read by someone who can relate to the venom i feel for our fair capital (at least on a monday-friday, 9-5).

if you do ever manage to think of something that would wrap it up better than i did, dont be a stranger. i was quite pleased with this as a whole, but kinda disappointed about the end.

cheers

anyone else?

Peace out.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#11
Really great writing, nice diction, and many very clever lines, great rhyming throughout. The first chunk of the first stanza is ace as is. I had some qualms with the "empty glass" line, but only because it seems oddly familiar to me, maybe it's just my imagination. I feel like the last three lines of the first stanza contrast too much from the rest of the piece. Like, the style of diction just changes completely and isn't as eloquent. Once again, I really have nothing bad to say about the second stanza except that the last line does not live up to the rest, it's just such bland wording, and judging from the rest of the piece I feel you could have had something better. But yeah, other than those few lines I pointed out, this piece it outstanding.
#12
I'm not going to go in depth with this one (because of my own shear lazyness and the fact I don't really feel like writing out a full criticism). But I will say that I can sense your disdain towards the society of your city and that you present a compelling argument in your favor. Vedy nice.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#13
18 feet

Proximity dictates
That we needn’t search too far.
Great opener.
They swarm and flock and prop up all the trendy local bars.
Shilling Schlock, and talking stock,
And sipping city drinks,
Trailing black
From fingers smeared with
Evening Standard Printers ink.
Damn, this is great flow, rhyme, diction and everything. I don't even know what the hell shilling schlock is but it sounds great I'd take out "printers" though as personally I feel it flows better. Make it Standard's ink. IMO.
Indie Readers Broadly think
Freely exuding pseudo-class.
Yet still they search for answers in the bottom of an empty glass.
Flow not as good here. However I love the ideas preseted.
“Fill ‘er up again,
So we forget we’re all the same”
great.
Keep believing the fantasies of grandeur that you entertain.
For when it rains and bloated silver clouds in heaven finally open up,
Bloated is out of place in this text I feel. Doesn't seem the place for it.
You’ll be washed into the gutter and you’ll drown just like the rest of us.


You’re never more than 18 feet
From vermin on the gold paved streets
Highgate Bronze black cats could eat well every day for ever more.
For ever more doesn't cut it, imo. I feel you could express that in a more original way.
To the center point, of where they meet
They shuffle feet from west and east
Clad in Bubonic brogues that agitate and plague the cobbled sores.
I'd have liked a rhyme on the end there. Purely because you're a good rhymer
Pinstriped and wielding attaché cases,
The fleets beat on at steady paces
Rats racing towards their destinations
Knocking obstructions to the floor.
Really superb stuff.
Routinely from day to day
the town becomes awash with grey
deep down im sure nobody wants this lifestyle any more.

Overall (especially the first half of S1) is a superb lesson in flow and rhyme. I really liked this piece, and will make sure I leave at least a comment on your next one as this critique was pretty poor.

Keep it going, funkas.

#14
Quote by FunkasPuck

Well, I'm not sure I fully understand this piece, but I'll give it a crit anyways - it's definetly interesting

18 feet

Proximity dictates
That we needn’t search too far.
They swarm and flock and prop up all the trendy local bars.
Shilling Schlock, and talking stock,
And sipping city drinks,
Trailing black
From fingers smeared with
Evening Standard Printers ink.
Nice opening, I love the third line - great flow. What does 'Shilling Schlock' mean? Well, I know shillings are old money...
Really great first stanza, nothing I'd change here


Indie Readers Broadly think
Freely exuding pseudo-class.
Yet still they search for answers in the bottom of an empty glass.
“Fill ‘er up again,
So we forget we’re all the same”
Keep believing the fantasies of grandeur that you entertain.
Again, great. Is this a dig at 'indie' kids? 'Fill 'er up again love' might sound nice, but that might just be me being a bit Yorkshire on you. The last line seems a little long, maybe take out the 'that'?

For when it rains and bloated silver clouds in heaven finally open up,
You’ll be washed into the gutter and you’ll drown just like the rest of us.
The bluntness of the second line constrasted to the imagery of the first is great, and really conveys the feeling of people being brought 'back down to earth'. Also like the way the use of 'gutter' links back to the drinking theme of the last stanza

You’re never more than 18 feet
From vermin on the gold paved streets nice reference here
Highgate Bronze black cats could eat well every day for ever more.
To the center point, of where they meet Not sure about this line, sounds a little weak
They shuffle feet from west and east
Clad in Bubonic brogues that agitate and plague the cobbled sores.
Last line is nice, but does seem like you are perhaps trying a little too hard

Pinstriped and wielding attaché cases,
The fleets beat on at steady paces
Rats racing towards their destinations
Knocking obstructions to the floor.
Routinely from day to day
the town becomes awash with grey
deep down im sure nobody wants this lifestyle any more.


First two lines are brilliant. The link between the proximity of rats below the surface and the 'rat race' of businessmen is brilliant. I would say that 'knocking obstructions to the floor' could perhaps be worded a bit better.
I agree with the guy about, 'grey' is a bit overused and the last line doesn't really match up to the quality of the rest of the piece.
Overall, great work. With a bit more work on the ending this will be a really amazing piece.
A crit back (link in sig) would be much appreciated. Ta.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#15
Now I am not a fan of extensive symblosim, this work uses alot of it, nor am I a fan of flowery language, you do use that, but all of that is ok. I can deal with that, it fits the subject matter so well. Which is what I really enjoy about this. I don't know if I interpeted it right, but it is about white collar workers and their day to day rituals, right. Well it is pretty straight forward. But it reminded me of the book American Psycho, which I enjoyed so much just because of the setting. That is probably why I like this.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#16
thanks people, i'll get back to you all asap.

"Schilling schlock" is basically tricking people into buying shoddy merchandise.

im gonna pretty much totally reassess the second stanza, it didnt seem to go down to well.

thanks all

and yeah, california? you've basically hit the nail on the head, but its more about a specific species of jobsworths that we get working up the city here. if you've ever been to central london you will probably know the type of person im talking about.

anyone else?
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#17
If I did a full on crit and broke it all down I would just be repeating what everyone else said so in short, I loved it but it did tend to get just that little bit weaker towards the end. But it was still really really good. I loved the way the majority of the rhyming did actually feel free and not forced like most of the stuff I have written/read.

Thankyou for posting this piece I enjoyed reading it.


Crit me?


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565736
I play guitar. So I joined a club about it.


Quote by copet
Why has Kirk Hammett not been in G3? Figure Joe has invited him but he is too busy with Metallica?



Last edited by JustinMalvo at Apr 14, 2007,
#18
thanks justin.
i'll get crackin on yours.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#19
hey i thought this was a great song, very well written
flowed together nicely
a joy to read

crit mine in my sig if you could
#20
I'm in love! I've been coming to these forums for a ridiculously long time and whilst there are a lot of writers here who impress me, you are the first poet. I'm a big fan of social commentary, in particular i draw a lot of inspiration from alcoholism so the line regarding searching for answers in the bottom of glasses really appealed to me. I spent a lot of time in london when i was a child and the busy, faceless people combined with the gritty, grey falseness of it all has inspired me many many times. This song felt like you'd looked into my mind and eloquently portrayed the pearl ive been working on over the years!

I quite often like to pick out parts that didnt seem as strong as others and offer constructive criticism, but this technique of review only works if the piece in question would better itself from alteration. So i dont feel it necessary to, as the best rainbows contain every colour.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#21
i only didn't like the ending.
it was a bit... disappointing.
i wanted something big.
something with a bang.
and i didn't get it.

but other than that, it was great.

I just want to sleep forever.


#22
cheers damn-right
its pretty ****ing awesome to know i have a fan

and grovermans, id like to get all pretentious and say that the anticlimax was intentional, as its symbolic of big city dreams that get crushed when you realise what a crappy existance the masses in the center of town live....but id be lying.

i think it kinda fizzles out at the end too. i'll have a look at it.

Thanks.

peace out.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#23
Hey, since it's been critted pretty well I don't think I need to. But i'll tell you what I can do! That is appreciate your text. First of all i find it a shame that writers take rhyme for granted, free verse is for the pros, we're all far from pros. But you can do so many beautiful things with full rhyme, so underappreciated, but not by you, kudos. Secondly, it flows naturaly and feels very in tune with the times, not out of date, not archaic, which in itself is an art oft looked over, that's why i think your text is brilliant. Sorry I couldn't be more of a hand but if you don't mind you can check out my latest entry, in my sig. Thanks for the great writing.
Member of the We Have Better Taste Than You club
PM Dorkus Malorkus with a list of your favorite bands to join.


Please, crit my song!
Vision at the Stairs
#24
Truely amazing.
You are one of the most talented writers i have ever seen. Everything flows soooo perfect. And (somehow) you ryhmed a whole peice with out having a single forced or corney line. You had dozens of lines that were mind blowing and just some of the deepes imagrey and symbolisim id ever seen. Im not even gonna attemped to make a suggestion or do a full crit because frankly there was NOTHING wrong with it. It did start "Greatest thing ive ever read" and by end seep down to "This is absolutly amazing" but really, as a whole the poem is amazing.

From fingers smeared with
Evening Standard Printers ink.
Indie Readers Broadly think
Freely exuding pseudo-class.
Yet still they search for answers in the bottom of an empty glass.
“Fill ‘er up again,
So we forget we’re all the same”


This is gold right here lol
Thanks man for postin this and keep em commin.
Crit mine if you dont mind (in sig)
#25
Quote by FunkasPuck



18 feet

Proximity dictates
That we needn’t search too far.
They swarm and flock and prop up all the trendy local bars.
Shilling Schlock, and talking stock,
And sipping city drinks,
Trailing black
From fingers smeared with
Evening Standard Printers ink.
Indie Readers Broadly think
Freely exuding pseudo-class.
Yet still they search for answers in the bottom of an empty glass.
“Fill ‘er up again,
So we forget we’re all the same”
Keep believing the fantasies of grandeur that you entertain.
For when it rains and bloated silver clouds in heaven finally open up,
You’ll be washed into the gutter and you’ll drown just like the rest of us.

don't like the trailing black line. to cliche i guess. the line breaks are sketchy, which i think ruins the flow. but the writing is great. wonderful. splendid.

You’re never more than 18 feet
From vermin on the gold paved streets
Highgate Bronze black cats could eat well every day for ever more.
To the center point, of where they meet
They shuffle feet from west and east
Clad in Bubonic brogues that agitate and plague the cobbled sores.
Pinstriped and wielding attaché cases,
The fleets beat on at steady paces
Rats racing towards their destinations
Knocking obstructions to the floor.
Routinely from day to day
the town becomes awash with grey
deep down im sure nobody wants this lifestyle any more.

best stanza out of the two of them. the the cases paces rhyme/lines are brilliant and the entire peice is relatable. 9/10



crit mine, less nails. probably to novice of writing for you though.


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
#26
thanks so much guys.

rage_against i really appreciate your comments, being that compliment ***** that i am
feel free to pour some more praise on me if you want, lol.

i've been pretty absent from the S&L boards for a while (i suck, i know) but i promise i'll hit you back with crits asap.

thanks again.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------