#1
You have no idea how long it's been. This is an old one, while I work on some new things. Hey Carmel... thankyou.


A cocaine explosion rocks the delicately structured back alleys,
and an epic battle ensues.
Flames lick the snow and tender toxic fumes spread wide.
Take a deep breath. Prepare for heaven.
But don't die yet.
Lay back under sweet sweet blankets of unconsciousness.
Watch the black sun and the black sky fight,
for control of the contrast.
For your focus. Give it. Raging demons crush the panorama,
and the stand off ends,
with neither side capturing colour.
Sea blue, see red, watch the flames lick. Lick.
Sink.
This Mr. Hyde takes a bite of the steroid ridden love machine,
and ends up loving love itself, in a very violent attack.
Spin circles in dust with white fingers.
Try and fathom the place your mind lingers.

Can't work it out say shit shit where am I? Watch the orange.
Peel. Like, away, at the broken skin. Skeeeeen.
Shit I said shiiit, gotta come up, gotta surface.
No.

A submarine's ups and downs make you sick,
but you don't remember.
Sail the sea looking for a lost memory,
but its buried on the island not marked "X".
It shouldn't be hard to find.
It's the only one.

This angel wears his tuxedo like a cloak of light,
and fights evil all around the globe, all over sky.
He fights satan in an astral boxing ring
and wins round after round after round.
Thoughs of the afterlife. Oh my, we're in trouble now.
God throws junkies out of heaven like rats,
like rats.
So crawl around on all fours and beg for forgiveness,
while around you the city works,
its after-dark allure keeping many ill faithed citizens awake.
The scum walk the trade routes,
pass judgement on the product. This, now this,
this is what we would call a problem.
Hear the noises.
Bring her up, captain.

Pilot the craft with care, i said care, you know. I told you not to burn her out,
and now it hurts, man, shit it hurts. Things come back slowly,
like rising out of the dark pitch and shit all I know now is this hurts.
Sounds like cars drive into my ears and, damn, its loud.
But I don't wanna lose this now baby, don't wanna sink again.
I'm cold, cold like the concrete against my cheek. Eyes, check,
we have visual. This is dank. man, dank.

Gotta get up. Can't stay here, no no no. Got stuff to do, you know ?
Gotta get out, about, anywhere.

Gotta find the next hit, so I can sink all over again.




love is a dog from hell.



#3
A cocaine explosion rocks the delicately structured back alleys,
and an epic battle ensues.
Flames lick the snow and tender toxic fumes spread wide.
Take a deep breath. Prepare for heaven.
But don't die yet.
Lay back under sweet sweet blankets of unconsciousness.
Watch the black sun and the black sky fight,
for control of the contrast.
For your focus. Give it. Raging demons crush the panorama,
and the stand off ends,
with neither side capturing colour.
Sea blue, see red, watch the flames lick. Lick.
Sink.
This Mr. Hyde takes a bite of the steroid ridden love machine,
and ends up loving love itself, in a very violent attack.
Spin circles in dust with white fingers.
Try and fathom the place your mind lingers.


I liked this stanza... good description of what's happening without making it too too obvious what you're talking about.... like the "sea/see" wordplay too.... not sure about the last line though... it seems kind of... basic... compared to the rest and I honestly don't think it makes sense because if your mind is lingering there then that would suggest that you could already fathom it.


Can't work it out say shit shit where am I? Watch the orange.
Peel. Like, away, at the broken skin. Skeeeeen.
Shit I said shiiit, gotta come up, gotta surface.
No.


Like how you've written in a way that conveys how the person would be thinking... and not sure if you did this intentionally... but half the time there is colour, and half the time there isn't.... thought i'd point it out just in case.


A submarine's ups and downs make you sick,
but you don't remember.
Sail the sea looking for a lost memory,
but its buried on the island not marked "X".
It shouldn't be hard to find.
It's the only one.


It was cool how you went the opposite way with the "island" idea... can't decide if I like the first line though... it just seems kind of like something better than "ups and downs" could be used... doesn't really hurt the piece either way though.


This angel wears his tuxedo like a cloak of light,
and fights evil all around the globe, all over sky.
He fights satan in an astral boxing ring
and wins round after round after round.
Thoughs of the afterlife. Oh my, we're in trouble now.
God throws junkies out of heaven like rats,
like rats.
So crawl around on all fours and beg for forgiveness,
while around you the city works,
its after-dark allure keeping many ill faithed citizens awake.
The scum walk the trade routes,
pass judgement on the product. This, now this,
this is what we would call a problem.
Hear the noises.
Bring her up, captain.


Can't find anything here... just a typo in "thoughts"... good stanza.


Pilot the craft with care, i said care, you know. I told you not to burn her out,
and now it hurts, man, shit it hurts. Things come back slowly,
like rising out of the dark pitch and shit all I know now is this hurts.
Sounds like cars drive into my ears and, damn, its loud.
But I don't wanna lose this now baby, don't wanna sink again.
I'm cold, cold like the concrete against my cheek. Eyes, check,
we have visual. This is dank. man, dank.

Gotta get up. Can't stay here, no no no. Got stuff to do, you know ?
Gotta get out, about, anywhere.

Gotta find the next hit, so I can sink all over again.


I liked the ending minus the very last line... it seemed kind of obvious.... other than that i think maybe in L4 "drive" should be "driving".

Overall I liked it... a good way to describe the feelings conveyed... nice work... as far as returning crit... I plan on posting a new one later today so it would be great to get your thought on it.
#4
Man this is awesome stuff, really top notch.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 5, 2007,
#6

Haha I only jsut noticed thi was stickied, cheers Steve! Im glad you liked it.

Anymore? I havn't written in a year or so, it would be good for more feedback.

CT




love is a dog from hell.



#9
Quote by ndakasimba
^^ what?


Not getting any comments on SOTW I guess.

I should have said it before.
Congrats.
Sorry.

And btw, I really did read it, a few times.