#1
Hey here is my latest love poem that i wrote a few hours ago. I call it "On Your Way By..." Criticism is greatly appreciated. Crit for crit if you would like.

................................

I hope you see me,
When you are flying so high,
I hope your love for me,
Will never pass by.

Maybe on your way,
You will stop and say hi,
I will be so happy,
Hopefully so will you.

You know I love everything,
That you do,
You’re my best dream,
I can’t wait to hear your reply,
To when I say I love you.
I’d be so happy I would cry.

I can’t believe you are real,
You don’t even know,
How you make me feel.
I can’t believe you are real,
Oh how you need to know.

....................................................

Do you think i should send it to the girl i wrote it for? I dont know for sure if she likes me, i just wrote "I hope your love for me, Will never pass by." because saying "i hope your like..." sounds freaking stupid. And it definately does not flow. Thanks for taking the time to read.



P.S. thanks to the person whom told me the rules, so i didn't have to read them myself
#2
Ok, the first stanza doesn't make sense if your not sure that she loves you.... the third stanza is good.So is the last.

Listen, dont "send" this, hand it to her, and when she's done reading it, remind her that you love her. Dont worry about the flow, most people(average person that doesn't write poems) cant notice flow, they mostly focus on rhyming. No matter her reaction, you will know that you had the balls to tell her and you wont be asking yourself, "What if?".

Your welcome, about the rules, i was the one who told you.

Oh yeah and, you dont need to crit any of my stuff.
#3
Quote by axe395
Ok, the first stanza doesn't make sense if your not sure that she loves you.... the third stanza is good.So is the last.

Listen, dont "send" this, hand it to her, and when she's done reading it, remind her that you love her. Dont worry about the flow, most people(average person that doesn't write poems) cant notice flow, they mostly focus on rhyming. No matter her reaction, you will know that you had the balls to tell her and you wont be asking yourself, "What if?".

Your welcome, about the rules, i was the one who told you.

Oh yeah and, you dont need to crit any of my stuff.


Oh cool thanks bud...BUT, we aren't going out or anything. She's just a really good friend that i plan to ask out to dinner in a matter of weeks. So i dont think i should be telling her that i love her already. And she is a very good poet herself, and i dont know, but she sent me some of her love poems, and they were about stuff that we did/are going to do lol. But thank you very much dude, i think i will give it to her, maybe even this weekend, or should i wait till we are actually going out? Thanks again for your imput
#6
Well if you change the first stanza to something else, you can give it to her now, but if you keep it, you should change your stanzas, because the first stanza is different from the rest.
#8
I hope you see me,
When you are flying so high,
I hope your love for me,
Will never pass by.


That wasnt bad. It kind of seemed forced when you rhymed high with by because I find that to be pretty common. Try something like

I hope you see me,
When you are flying so high,
I hope your love for me,
Will never subside.


Maybe on your way,
You will stop and say hi,
I will be so happy,
Hopefully so will you.


You kind of lost the rhyme in this. I know its most likely freeverse but I think it would be alot better to rhyme here. Again I'll throw a suggestion.

Maybe on your way,
You will stop and say hi,
I will be so happy,
to look in your eyes.


I know its cliche but It fits the rhyme scheme. Y'know. :P.

You know I love everything,
That you do,
You’re my best dream,
I can’t wait to hear your reply,
To when I say I love you.
I’d be so happy I would cry.


If this were a song this would be the chorus, definatly. It just has thay chorus-y feeling, y'know? Good, I wouldnt change it.

I can’t believe you are real,
You don’t even know,
How you make me feel.
I can’t believe you are real,
Oh how you need to know.


This last one wasnt bad. If this were a song I would peg this as the intro though. Because you are kind of saying how she needs to know. Then you go on telling her all the things she needs to know, y'know? Haha lots of knows in that sentence, we'll live.

Overall, good. I liked it.

Good Job.
#11
Quote by jdotp
you most certainly already have. This was a return to the favor


Oh yes i remember that now
cheers mate
#13
I do, just for critin one of mine once, and i like your stuff i shall crit this.

I hope you see me,
When you are flying so high,
I hope your love for me,
Will never pass by.
This is quite cool, i like it though i think i prefer what jdop added

Maybe on your way,
You will stop and say hi,
I will be so happy,
Hopefully so will you.
I though this was ok, not bad, just ok maybe do something like: oh damn jtotp is on everything.

You know I love everything,
That you do,
You’re my peaches and cream,
I can’t wait to hear your reply,
To when I say I love you.
I’d be so happy I would cry.


I can’t believe you are real,
You don’t even know,
How you make me feel.
I can’t believe you are real,
Oh how you need to know.
I like this as well

this is really gud, im not great on the love thing, specially seeing im 14 and so my gf aren`t really what you can call serious, jsut the typical teen love...you dont need to crit any of mine since all i said was that this was gud but if you want can you do alone he stands, it seems to be standing alone atm lolz. you dont need to do the spanish one, unless you speak spanish....lol
#14
Thank you very much!
I will definately crit one of your pieces later today.
And the love thing, i am only 15, so..............
Thanks again for the crit. And i would crit the spanish one if........you know the rest lol