#1
Remus
with splashes of blood, marble, granite, skin
- and camouflaged ebony -
Remus sings songs of praise
- and camouflaged regret -
fireworks litter the sky
- and camouflaged grave -
Remus sings songs of praise
- and camouflaged pride -
Crocodile tear syndrome
- and camouflaged emotion -
Remus sings songs of praise
- and camouflaged victory -
romulus dehydrates.
#2
Great imagery here. Short and to the point. The lines in dashes give the piece a nice sense of urgency, which I like.
Wade in the water, child.
#3
That sure did fit together really nicely, for a piece this short.

Not so sure I like the repetition of "camouflaged" or the remus singing line, but I can't think of a way to make it better. I guess the repetition is what makes it all fit together.
#4
I felt like this song pieced itself together before my very eyes. It was very easy reading, and it was very effective. It left me in awe like some longer songs would've done. Thus proving that short songs can be just as effective as a long imagery/metaphoric masterpiece.

Love it
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Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#6
the only thing that bothered me was repeating the remus sings songs part.i like the text like this but i think u overused the remus, leaving short room for other lines, u have 3 normal lines, and like 4 or 5 remus lines. that did bother me, but overall, i really like it.
#9
thanks silence, but i dont think thats enough to get into my pants.

critique or comments, anyone? i shall repay promptly.
#10
Hey Teghvir, how's it going?

Right, for me it was too stop, start, stop, start, which made it irritating to read. I mean, it was like the lines in italics were just side notes, and i actually read them in my head as side notes, which meant i had to puse reading the "main" lines and dip into the side note lines which as i say, was quite irritating.

It's odd, because the content was great, i just think you layed it out inneffectively and ripped any flow out of it that it may have had. That's my criticism.

However, the content was superbly imaginative, i won't deny. You used clear, yet interpretable images which the reader may mould into almost whatever he likes. A bit like the bible really in taht respect!

So yes - the structure ruined it for me mate.

I know this wasn't incredibly substantial, but because you're nice, do you reckon you could have a read of my short story in my sig for me?

Cheers, keep well.
#11
i disagree
i think you're reading it wrong, too.

i shall try to take a look as soon as possible though. that piece is long as hell, it may take a few days for me to get motivated.
#12
don't like "camouflaged regret".
other than that, no complaints.

cool poem.
good job.
indeed.

I just want to sleep forever.


#13
Quote by punchupatatigge
i disagree
i think you're reading it wrong, too.

i shall try to take a look as soon as possible though. that piece is long as hell, it may take a few days for me to get motivated.

I understand that, but what i'm trying to say is, i should have been able to know how to read it right by just looking at it. See what i mean? Of course, i know you wouldn't just write a piece to make it read how i read it, but that's just how i read it according to the structure and punctuation. It's no good taht you have the flow right in your head, if some other people don't. So, you can't say i'm reading it "wrong", it's just that i'm reading it differently to how you wanted me to, and that's what i think you need to improve upon. I hope that's clearer.

No problem, any comments are welcome.
#14
i understand what you're saying, but i think its wrong of you to call my piece bad flowing (i cant think of a better expression at the moment) without even making an attempt out of the norm to read it. let me make that clearer. if you're only going to read it one way and expect it to work flawlessly, then you're reading the wrong writer, because i'm not that good. i actually figured that the rocky flow would encourage people to find something deeper in it by reading it differently.

and i shall.

thanks grovermans, i shall try to find another way of saying that, as regret is a word i try not to use.
#16
Quote by punchupatatigge
i understand what you're saying, but i think its wrong of you to call my piece bad flowing (i cant think of a better expression at the moment) without even making an attempt out of the norm to read it. let me make that clearer. if you're only going to read it one way and expect it to work flawlessly, then you're reading the wrong writer, because i'm not that good. i actually figured that the rocky flow would encourage people to find something deeper in it by reading it differently.

and i shall.

thanks grovermans, i shall try to find another way of saying that, as regret is a word i try not to use.

Well, sorry if i offended mate. Didn't just try and read it one way, but there you are. Remember though, i'm not trying to slag off your piece, merely doing all i can to help you improve.
#18
I'll cut this up and crit it.

Remus
with splashes of blood, marble, granite, skin
- and camouflaged ebony -
Remus sings songs of praise
- and camouflaged regret -
fireworks litter the sky

The last line puts some great imagery in the piece, but there's something about it that bugs me a little, maybe putting while in front of it would help, but that's probably not needed cause it's probably only me that it bothers.

- and camouflaged grave -
Remus sings songs of praise
- and camouflaged pride -
Crocodile tear syndrome

I didn't like the repeat of the Remus sings line, maybe screams, or whispers, or a different word for praise, or maybe you had a reason for repeating it. I loved the last line, I didn't understand it until I gave it some thought, then I remembered crocs don't have tears. I also thought it flowed very well here, especially with the grave/praise rhyme.

- and camouflaged emotion -
Remus sings songs of praise
- and camouflaged victory -
romulus dehydrates.

I liked the camouflaged emotion lines, along with all the other camo lines. I have the same complaint and about the 2nd line in this part, but as I said maybe there's a reason behind it. The meaning I got out of it (sorry if this is totally wrong) is the character's lost a loved one, but he can't shed the emotions he feels, and tries hide what he feels, but that seems to simple. Ramsus sounds familiar, maybe if I remembered who that was I'd understand this. And I don't want to sound like an ass kisser but thought it flowed very well, I kinda read through it fast, and with the lines kinda over lapping each other, it made it flow really well
If you could plz take a look at the one in my sig called "Hallucinations."
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 2, 2007,
#19
i think it would be a much better peice wihtout the word camoflouge in it at all.
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#20
i thought so too, but then the rhythm would be thrown off. damn good suggestion though, plus182 (i think that was it). stratkat, i shall take a look at yours, thanks for the crit. to understand this poem, i think you must know the story of remus and romulus. also, i'll give yall a big hint.

i'm writing a story
and in the graveyard scene
the tombs have poetry on them
this is on romulus's tomb.

oh, and that crocodile tear thing, its poetic and literal. please wikipedia crocodile tear syndrome. it's when you can't stop crying (essentially) while eating.