#1
Hey everyone this is a song about how drugs are bad, and ruined many people's lives. All of the lyrics have factual information most from kids I know who have experimented and some have already screwed up their future. THe only drug that I could not get a first hand experience was heroin which is the last verse, but I felt i should add it because it has ruined many lives, especially many musicians.

Feeling fine for the first time,
Lights in the dark, not to be caught.
Don’t know what to think or say,
All I can do is hope things go my way.
All my thoughts consumed,
Sublime laughter you can only assume.

Stay off that remedy,
Soon you’re just gonna crash.
Soon you’ll just be outta cash.
A succubus of the day, monster of energy,
Sucks the blood from your soul.
No angel can save you from your demon,
Oh what a tragedy.

Rough and tough day of torment,
You know how to get up and down.
All your lights turned on; smell of euphoria,
You got the juice, a nose full of Colombia.
What a long road down you’ve gone,
Now you wish you’d only known.

Stay off that remedy,
Soon you’re just gonna crash.
Soon you’ll just be outta cash.
A succubus of the day, monster of energy,
Sucks the blood from your soul.
No angel can save you from your demon,
Oh what a tragedy.

You’ve gone insane and can only imagine,
The tasty treat and your brain is fried.
Stare at the wall, but you fly to the sky,
Great thought and poor vision.
Your world will be just what you envision,
Spiraling out of control, the heavens melt.

Stay off that remedy,
Soon you’re just gonna crash.
Soon you’ll just be outta cash.
A succubus of the day, monster of energy,
Sucks the blood from your soul.
No angel can save you from your demon,
Oh what a tragedy.

Flow of water to douse the flame,
Groove to the hard beats.
You’re ecstatic you’ve got your fix,
All feels good, total bliss.
It really gets you going,
Gets you so you don’t know what your doing.

Stay off that remedy,
Soon you’re just gonna crash.
Soon you’ll just be outta cash.
A succubus of the day, monster of energy,
Sucks the blood from your soul.
No angel can save you from your demon,
Oh what a tragedy.

The needle tears the hole,
A smack in the face.
A sting, stung never before,
But will forevermore.
You said you wouldn’t hurt, only once,
But now you just a dunce.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Mar 3, 2007,
#2
Not bad at all.
I've got no obvious criticisms. Since you were obviously writing this with a specific intent, some of the rhyming seems a little forced, but it's definitely not bad. If this was going to be an actual song, I don't think you'd want to sing that chorus that often, but that's about it..
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#4
Here is an updated version. Any advice on where i should see if I can change the rhyme to flow better would help.

Feeling fine for the first time,
Lights in the dark, not to be caught.
Don’t know what to think or say,
All I can do is hope things go my way.
All my thoughts consumed,
Sublime laughter you can only assume.

Rough and tough day of torment,
You know how to get up and down.
All your lights turned on; smell of euphoria,
You got the juice, a nose full of Colombia.
What a long road down you’ve gone,
Now you wish you’d only known.

Stay off that remedy,
Soon you’re just gonna crash.
Soon you’ll just be outta cash.
A succubus of the day, monster of energy,
Sucks the blood from your soul.
No angel can save you from your demon,
Oh what a tragedy.

You’ve gone insane and can only imagine,
The tasty treat and your brain is fried.
Stare at the wall, but you fly to the sky,
Great thought and poor vision.
Your world will be just what you envision,
Spiraling out of control, the heavens melt.

Flow of water to douse the flame,
Groove to the hard beats.
You’re ecstatic you’ve got your fix,
All feels good, total bliss.
It really gets you going,
Gets you so you don’t know what your doing.

Stay off that remedy,
Soon you’re just gonna crash.
Soon you’ll just be outta cash.
A succubus of the day, monster of energy,
Sucks the blood from your soul.
No angel can save you from your demon,
Oh what a tragedy.

The needle tears the hole,
A smack in the face.
A sting, stung never before,
But will forevermore.
You said you wouldn’t hurt, only once,
But now you just a dunce.

Stay off that remedy,
Soon you’re just gonna crash.
Soon you’ll just be outta cash.
A succubus of the day, monster of energy,
Sucks the blood from your soul.
No angel can save you from your demon,
Oh what a tragedy.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Mar 3, 2007,
#6
You should really spell the first word right, even if it is a typo it will turn the reader off of the piece.

lines which I felt the rhymes were forced were:

Don’t know what to think or say,
All I can do is hope things go my way.

Soon you’re just gonna crash.
Soon you’ll just be outta cash.

All your lights turned on; smell of euphoria,
You got the juice, a nose full of Colombia.

Great thought and poor vision.
Your world will be just what you envision,

What a long road down you’ve gone,
Now you wish you’d only known.

It really gets you going,
Gets you so you don’t know what your doing.

You said you wouldn’t hurt, only once,
But now you just a dunce.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.