#1
#4. For the others-
#1- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=520761
#2- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=527602
#3- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530424

Critique for critique.

Enjoy


#4

The path from sand to rock
involves a reluctant change
in spirit and soul.


A paradise of freedom,
space to invent alterations
to the renovations.
The caves- they provide shelter,
from the searing heat
to the fiendish predators.
Harsh weathering though,
has eroded the walls
and sewn them pockets.

My latest sketch,
of a waterfall, no
taller than myself,
shows promise-
nourishment and refreshment,
it's the inspiration,
the perspiration
the invincible.

When I take a small sip
of this heavenly wine.
it sparks me into life;
I become charged.

Suddenly, sights infront of me change;
the birds sing too sharp;
the sun beats off-time;
the cliffs crash through clouds.
I'm crushed by fear
and long for comfort in arms.

I can't remember the last time
I had to think about breathing.
#2


#4

The path from sand to rock
involves a reluctant change
in spirit and soul.


nice start definitely, not much to say here

A paradise of freedom,
space to invent alterations
to the renovations.
The caves- they provide shelter,
from the searing heat
to the fiendish predators.
Harsh weathering though,
has eroded the walls
and sewn them pockets.

i like this all especially the last 2 lines but im not big on the 'fiendish predators'. it just seems awkward and like it doesnt belong and could be improved upon.

My latest sketch,
of a waterfall, no
taller than myself,
shows promise-
nourishment and refreshment,
it's the inspiration,
the perspiration
the invincible.

i like this. assuming its a metaphor, atleast thats how it comes of to me, it is quite nice.

When I take a small sip
of this heavenly wine.
it sparks me into life;
I become charged.

blah this seems pretty cliche. the 'heavenly wine', 'sparks me to life' and ect has been said before and if you are going to say it i think you would be better off hiding its cliche message in a more creative, presentable way.

Suddenly, sights infront of me change;
the birds sing too sharp;
the sun beats off-time;
the cliffs crash through clouds.
I'm crushed by fear
and long for comfort in arms.

i love the birds sing too sharp line, i wish i would have thought of that. and everything else here is perfect except the last line, again a little cliche and out of place.

I can't remember the last time
I had to think about breathing.

beautiful beautiful ending. seriously


overall this piece obviously has a lottt of promise there are just a couple things that should be fine tuned to make it perfect.
8.5/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531524
theres my newer one if you have time, its pretty short

let me know when you have a new one up for me to read
#3
hey man.

#4

The path from sand to rock
involves a reluctant change
in spirit and soul.

A paradise of freedom,
space to invent alterations
to the renovations. <--- think about how necessary this line is.. i feel like you could cut it.
The caves- they provide shelter,
from the searing heat
to the fiendish predators.
Harsh weathering though, <--- harsh weathering? a little awkward, maybe come up with a different term.
has eroded the walls
and sewn them pockets. <--- cool. sewn them pockets is a neat description.

My latest sketch,<-- i cant' understand why you shortened these lines. I would've liked to have seen this continue with the same line lengths as the first stanza.
of a waterfall, no
taller than myself,
shows promise-
nourishment and refreshment, <--- both these words are weak if you leave them by themselves.
it's the inspiration,
the perspiration
the invincible.

When I take a small sip <- promising stanza, but it needs more! "heavenly wine," "become charged,"... i would reword both of those phrases.
of this heavenly wine.
it sparks me into life;
I become charged.

Suddenly, sights infront of me change;
the birds sing too sharp;
the sun beats off-time;
the cliffs crash through clouds.
I'm crushed by fear
and long for comfort in arms. <--- arg. good stanza until the last line. i want to see the word "dissonant" or "dissonance" in the second line.

I can't remember the last time
I had to think about breathing. <-- great ending. : )

overall, this is pretty good. there were some "waves answer me with cuteness"-type lines in there, but with a solid revision, it could be real good.

i came out with another draft of District of Columbia. It'd be real cool if you checked it out. orrrr Terra Firma. Thanks!

edit: I read it again and found some more stuff. ^^
Last edited by ndakasimba at Feb 28, 2007,
#5
Damn...this song just throws fantastic metaphors left, right and centre. I wish my writing was this good, seriously. Kudos!
#6
#4

The path from sand to rock
involves a reluctant change
in spirit and soul.

Imo the intro's good, it just doesn't appeal to my tastes very well.

A paradise of freedom,
space to invent alterations
to the renovations.
The caves- they provide shelter,
from the searing heat
to the fiendish predators.
Harsh weathering though,
has eroded the walls
and sewn them pockets.

I'm not sure about this, I don't really understand it I guess. The first three lines were great, but I lose it after that.

My latest sketch,
of a waterfall, no
taller than myself,
shows promise-
nourishment and refreshment,
it's the inspiration,
the perspiration
the invincible.

I've noticed 3 and 4 fit together alot better than the others, or at least to me they do. In the first one you were talking about snow, now it feels like something that's taking place on an island. I don't have any complaints about this stanza.

When I take a small sip
of this heavenly wine.
it sparks me into life;
I become charged.

I don't really care for the word charged in this stanza, to me it souds kinda weird. But other than that I thought it was good.

Suddenly, sights infront of me change;
the birds sing too sharp;
the sun beats off-time;
the cliffs crash through clouds.
I'm crushed by fear
and long for comfort in arms.

I liked the way everything in this stanza comes from your last piece, but I didn't care for the last line, but then again I didn't like the last line of the simular stanza in #3.

I can't remember the last time
I had to think about breathing

I loved the ending, it makes me think about when I think about breathing too much, then I can't breath without thinking about it, I hope I'm not the only one who does that.

I had to go back and re-read the other three, and I really can't connect all four of them. I can kinda connect 2 to 3 and I can really connect 3 and 4 together, maybe I'll get it later. Overall I thought this was good, but I can't really judge it cause I can't fully figure out what it means, I'm kinda brain dead today. I might comeback and edit this.
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 2, 2007,
#7
I really liked it.


Suddenly, sights infront of me change;
the birds sing too sharp;
the sun beats off-time;
the cliffs crash through clouds.
I'm crushed by fear
and long for comfort in arms.

Is my favourite part, and the ending as well is brilliant.