#1
here's a new song hope you'll like it all criticism is welcomed

crit 4 crit as usual just leave the link .




Sky is a ceiling for all these buildings
It alters color for day and night
There’s a fountain built in between
Sealed within coins are hopes and dreams
Around the corner, there’s a box
Dropped in it are facts and thoughts
Once in day he comes to scene
He carries all, what you mean
Where you are and you’ve been

Every city has this street
Where people work, but no one sleeps
Every city has this street
What you want, Is all you need


Every time you cross these roads
You see someone, you’ve met before
A flashing thought, triggers your brain
Does he still remember your name?
One in ten is lost in thoughts
Confusing mind is breaking all
Satisfaction is what we need
But broken hearts have never bleed

Every city has this street
Where people work, but no one sleeps
Every city has this street
What you want, Is all you need

Srry this is the wrong one below is the real one. i accidentaly copied it frm wrong file
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Feb 28, 2007,
#2
here's a new song hope you'll like it all criticism is welcomed

crit 4 crit as usual just leave the link .




a pretty good start. id say with some fixing of your wording you could have a real solid piece.
7.5/10
#4
The last line on the second verse doesn't really fit the rest i don't think.... I didn't really think of the thing as having anythin to do with broken hearts and what not... But other than that its good. I like the whole theme of it... Two and a half thumbs up.
#5
here's a new song hope you'll like it all criticism is welcomed

crit 4 crit as usual just leave the link .




Sky's a ceiling for all these buildings
it alters color for day and night
There’s a fountain built in between
Sealed within coins are hopes and dreams
Around the corner, there’s a box
Dropped in it are facts and thoughts
Once in day he's part of scene
He delivers all ,hey how you’ve been


Every city has this street
Where people work, but no one sleeps
Every city has this street
What you want, Is all you need


Every time you measure these roads
You see someone, you've met before
A flashing thought, triggers your brain
Does he still remember your name?
Storming oceans are calming winds
Peace of mind where you have been
For every word that’s locked in phrase
Broken heart can’t be replaced


(i dont like last 2 lines bolded one that much)

Every city has this street
Where people work, but no one sleeps
Every city has this street
What you want, Is all you need

Srry posted frm wrong file here's the correct one
Last edited by abhishek21 at Feb 28, 2007,
#6
here's a new song hope you'll like it all criticism is welcomed

crit 4 crit as usual just leave the link .


Nice image with the opening line.Abstract is always a plus IMO.I like this style of writing alot, it paints a good visual picture. Great start IMO.turnoff? This is kind of bland, metaphorically speaking. Spice it up a little bit. Or was that what you were going for? I guess I will read on.Nice visual tone again.Im fond of this line too.

Srry this is the wrong one below is the real one. i accidentaly copied it frm wrong file


I like it. Thanks for the crit on mine, there are no HUGE errors on this one.
#8
here's a new song hope you'll like it all criticism is welcomed

crit 4 crit as usual just leave the link .






All in all, it's simple but really good, you'd only have to rephrase some lines to make it even better. Loved it, it's a 9/10.
Got too deep but - how deep is too deep?

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#9
here's a new song hope you'll like it all criticism is welcomed

crit 4 crit as usual just leave the link .


I think I remember commenting something you wrote similiar to this one stanza, I think you wanted to expand or something. I like this stanza as I've said before (at least I swear to God I did).I like this stanza but i'm not feeling the last line, extremely cliche, but other than that nice work here.do you mean "broken hearts will never bleed", that would seem to flow better. But I feel this stanza needs just a little tweaking (specifically the last three lines) imo.

Srry this is the wrong one below is the real one. i accidentaly copied it frm wrong file


I really do honestly love this, it just needs some tweaking and yes I remember suggesting some things for expansion and I definetely like what you've done with this. It's great. Just tweak it a little bit and I think you'll have an amazing song.

if you want to you can crit mine Ashes For Birth
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#10
I really like the Verses.
They are very descriptive.
Not sue if I agree with the Chorus. But still pretty good.
Might want to work on the flow in some parts.
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Too Late
#11
Every city has this street

Sky's a ceiling for all these buildings
it alters color for day and night
There’s a fountain built in between
Sealed within coins are hopes and dreams I love this line
Around the corner, there’s a box
Dropped in it are facts and thoughts
Once in day he's part of scene
He delivers all ,hey how you’ve been


Every city has this street
Where people work, but no one sleeps
Every city has this street
What you want, Is all you need


Every time you measure these roads
You see someone, you've met before
A flashing thought, triggers your brain
Does he still remember your name?
Storming oceans are calming winds
Peace of mind where you have been
For every word that’s locked in phrase
Broken heart can’t be replaced

(i dont like last 2 lines bolded one that much)

Every city has this street
Where people work, but no one sleeps
Every city has this street
What you want, Is all you need


I don't have much to say that the others haven't said already. The awkward wording def. takes away from the song IMO, other then those parts though, the song was very visual, excellent job. 8/10, but could be alot better with those issues resolved
#12
well thank you all for the crit . i will return all thye crits today. joe the guy and sumfear plz leave the link of ur piece
Hi
#13
Quote by abhishek21
well thank you all for the crit . i will return all thye crits today. joe the guy and sumfear plz leave the link of ur piece

you already critiqued mine man, thanks.