#1
Time to paint the sun on her face.
That's what they call Modern Art (written upside down).
"It can be anything - bottles stacked on one another,
wire hanger birds, or even a photo of rape."

And that's where it was skewed into something
sacrilege.
It's all just a slight on God anyways.
"Did you know they're running a new series of soda
cans? With the American flag and the Empire State
Building? But they didn't write "In God We Trust" on
them, so I for one will not be drinking them!"

Goddamn, how can someone with glasses so
thick be so stupid?
They call me the Rhino because I'm thick skinned
and horny.

Fancy seeing you in the pit, baby baby baby.
I'm the bomb and I'm about to go off in your shit,
Baby baby baby.
"There are far more important things at hand, Rhino."
Yes. Your privates in my mouth.
My body's been noise-trained to shake at speeds
of 10-12 miles per hour, so name all seven of
your kids and I'll let you name your poison.
Ten seconds under the wing of a dargon and I
gaurantee you'll be helping me try to shoot God
out of the sky.
When it ends it ends, baby.
Irish Car Bomb it up before you do something crazy, baby.
Poor advice.
#2
Time to paint the sun on her face.
That's what they call Modern Art (written upside down).
"It can be anything - bottles stacked on one another,
wire hanger birds, or even a photo of rape."

And that's where it was skewed into something
sacrilege.
It's all just a slight on God anyways.
"Did you know they're running a new series of soda
cans? With the American flag and the Empire State
Building? But they didn't write "In God We Trust" on
them, so I for one will not be drinking them!"

Goddamn, how can someone with glasses so
thick be so stupid?
They call me the Rhino because I'm thick skinned
and horny.

ahahaha i l ove the god damn line, genius. i love all of this except the last line kind of annoyed me because its just too straight foward to me. but regardless this is basically perfect

Fancy seeing you in the pit, baby baby baby.
I'm the bomb and I'm about to go off in your shit,
Baby baby baby.
"There are far more important things at hand, Rhino."
Yes. Your privates in my mouth.
My body's been noise-trained to shake at speeds
of 10-12 miles per hour, so name all seven of
your kids and I'll let you name your poison.
Ten seconds under the wing of a dargon and I
gaurantee you'll be helping me try to shoot God
out of the sky.
When it ends it ends, baby.
Irish Car Bomb it up before you do something crazy, baby.

ahaha fu.ck you. this is amazing. my only complaint which really isnt a complaint is the ' im about to go off in your shit'. otherwise nice


perfect once again, seriously even with the couple things i didnt like 10/10

heres my piece if you can just say a couple words to atleast bump it
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531524
#3
I just looked at it, but I'm in a rush, so I'll crit it later.


But I'll say that the whal making love line was perfect.
Poor advice.
#5
Time to paint the sun on her face.
That's what they call Modern Art (written upside down).
"It can be anything - bottles stacked on one another,
wire hanger birds, or even a photo of rape."

And that's where it was skewed into something
sacrilege.
It's all just a slight on God anyways.

i love this opening although rape is kind of blunt, its quite effective. i think sacrilegious fits better there for the last word too

It's all just a slight on God anyways.
"Did you know they're running a new series of soda
cans? With the American flag and the Empire State
Building? But they didn't write "In God We Trust" on
them, so I for one will not be drinking them!"

Goddamn, how can someone with glasses so
thick be so stupid?

seems like an awkward kind of irony and is kind of appealing to me

They call me the Rhino because I'm thick skinned
and horny.

is that so ? sorry but i dont quite understand this line although i see you bring back the rhino idea later but this is a little out there for me but no real problem with it


Fancy seeing you in the pit, baby baby baby.
I'm the bomb and I'm about to go off in your shit,
Baby baby baby.
"There are far more important things at hand, Rhino."
Yes. Your privates in my mouth.

a strange picture you paint, my friend.... but still it still seems like you know exactly what you are talking about

My body's been noise-trained to shake at speeds
of 10-12 miles per hour, so name all seven of
your kids and I'll let you name your poison.
Ten seconds under the wing of a dargon and I
gaurantee you'll be helping me try to shoot God
out of the sky.
When it ends it ends, baby.
Irish Car Bomb it up before you do something crazy, baby.


i love the last 2 lines the most but the other ones flow nicely as well. Still kind of funny for me but in a way i can't find an explanation for


i liked it alot but you kind of lost me somewhere in there... maybe thats what you wanted but over all its very intriguing

sorry my crit isnt very critty but i dont know what to say right now. maybe it will click later and i shall return


~~~~~jimi
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6

weird stuff. I think you should go back to maroon writing, or whatever colour it was. I liked that. This pretty odd, but no like some of your other pieces. Seems, I don't know... more shallow. I've seen you use "Rhino" in stuff before, im guessing its an actual nickname?

This ain't bad, but it isn't your best. All of your stuff seems too closely linked to real world things, maybe too personal, in a way, to comment on like other people's work. I guess that makes you unique. I just sit back and enjoy the flow, so keep writing baby.

oh...

Trading Blows for Highway Crashes

Please just bump me or something.




love is a dog from hell.



#7
that really was awesome. you've got a knack for witty writing that i usually attribute to john mccrea of CAKE, but yours is just on a totally different level.

"Did you know they're running a new series of soda
cans? With the American flag and the Empire State
Building? But they didn't write "In God We Trust" on
them, so I for one will not be drinking them!"
Goddamn, how can someone with glasses so
thick be so stupid?
They call me the Rhino because I'm thick skinned
and horny.


i think that's one of, if not, the greatest thing i've ever read in this forum on the rare occasions i pass by.
#DTWD
#9
Time to paint the sun on her face.
That's what they call Modern Art (written upside down).
"It can be anything - bottles stacked on one another,
wire hanger birds, or even a photo of rape."

And that's where it was skewed into something
sacrilege.
From the top to here was probably the weakest part of the piece. The second line is utterly graceless. I don't like 'sacrilege' as a noun, and I don't like that it has its own line.
The first line opens the poem confusing-ly.

It's all just a slight on God anyways.
And with this line it picks up.
"Did you know they're running a new series of soda
cans? With the American flag and the Empire State
Building? But they didn't write "In God We Trust" on
them, so I for one will not be drinking them!"

Goddamn, how can someone with glasses so

thick be so stupid?
They call me the Rhino because I'm thick skinned
and horny.
This thought was so distinct from the thought above it, I wanted it to be separated into its own stanza.

Fancy seeing you in the pit, baby baby baby.
I'm the bomb and I'm about to go off in your shit,
Baby baby baby.
Lovely.
"There are far more important things at hand, Rhino."
Yes. Your privates in my mouth.
My body's been noise-trained to shake at speeds
of 10-12 miles per hour, so name all seven of
your kids and I'll let you name your poison.
This part is certainly bizarre, but I like the way it goes.
Ten seconds under the wing of a dargon typo? and I
gaurantee Typo? you'll be helping me try to shoot God
out of the sky.
When it ends it ends, baby.
Good line.
Irish Car Bomb it up before you do something crazy, baby.
My favorite line of the whole piece. Don't lose it.
#11
Wow, that's definetly interesting and "out there" for not being my style of writing, I sure liked it, although you need to tweek some parts.

Time to paint the sun on her face.
That's what they call Modern Art (written upside down).
//What does "written upside down" mean, these two lines are a little to vague

"It can be anything - bottles stacked on one another,
wire hanger birds, or even a photo of rape."

//I'm not comfortable talking about rape in music, and I don't know how much other people like to hear about it. Consider changing that.

And that's where it was skewed into something
sacrilege.
It's all just a slight on God anyways.
"Did you know they're running a new series of soda
cans? With the American flag and the Empire State
Building? But they didn't write "In God We Trust" on
them, so I for one will not be drinking them!"

//Hm, this part really makes you wonder. I like it.

Goddamn, how can someone with glasses so
thick be so stupid?
They call me the Rhino because I'm thick skinned
and horny.
//Don't use thick twice in a row, but I like the glasses=smart stereotype idea


Fancy seeing you in the pit, baby baby baby.
I'm the bomb and I'm about to go off in your shit,
//consider changing the last line, vulgarity is ok, but it looks like your trying too hard

Baby baby baby.
"There are far more important things at hand, Rhino."
Yes. Your privates in my mouth.
//again, are you trying to hard to be crude

My body's been noise-trained to shake at speeds
of 10-12 miles per hour, so name all seven of
your kids and I'll let you name your poison.
//I friggin love these lines - "name your kids and you can name your poison", good stuff

Ten seconds under the wing of a dargon and I
gaurantee you'll be helping me try to shoot God
out of the sky.
//fascinating idea, shooting god out od the sky, but what does the part about the dargon and wing mean? consider clearing that up.

When it ends it ends, baby.
Irish Car Bomb it up before you do something crazy, baby.
//Love this last line.

I'd be interested to hear this, maybe post a link to a song? Over all, I'd give it a 7/10. It's well written and mature. It works for me!

Also, please crit Escape Route - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=532787.
#12
I've gained a name here for myself because of my vulgarity actually.

I appreciate the crit.
Poor advice.