#1
I Quit.

or,

The Road at my Door.


Awful days and nights
Keep twisting my elbow,
Busy chasing a poem
That hides in my shadow.
It sleeps in my clothes,
Leaves its footprints wherever
I do my best to stride in silence,
and unobtrusively.

I know what's wrong with me.

Poetry is artifice when well-done,
Attached to one on a stupid string,
Treading on your heels,
As if singing merely to sing.
And if sadly you pick up your pace to run,
The motion-thud, thud, thud-of your heels
Engender a greater power in its stanzas
To overtake your lesser impulses.

Life goes on thinking...

None of this is parceled out
At birth; We snatch it from the hands
Of God with impunity.
Leaving remnants of our crime, saliva and
Stray bits of hair about
The scene of the fall, now mutually
A wasteland where we hold fast to what we have created
Even as it sucks the life from our lungs.

Slow cessation of everything.

I feel afraid.
This isn't what I had planned.

O Magnum Mysterium...
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Mar 5, 2007,
#2
I thought this was really good, but there were a few things I noticed that I disliked. I'll point them out when I get home tonight.
#4
what i really liked most was that you first gave a sort of tile to thing and then explained it
115 views and only 2 replys i think it deservers more than that

overall keep up the good work
take care for now


hey beatle by the way

before you get fired, quit the job ,walk out of the place and keep fooling yourself that you were not fired ,you left the job by ur own wish . it's better that way trust me.
#6
I was over-reacting.

Maybe I'll stay and critique exclusively.

But this is certainly the last piece i plan to post on here, hence the title.
#9
this is some good stuff. i really did like it. flows nicely.
member number 14 of the UG John frusciante fan club

Founder of the 'the John Frusciante ****ing sucks!Club!" sucks, club!
#10
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
I Quit.

or,

The Road at my Door.


Awful days and nights
Keep twisting my elbow,
Busy chasing a poem
That hides in my shadow.
It sleeps in my clothes,
Leaves its footprints wherever
I do my best to stride in silence,
and unobtrusively.

I know what's wrong with me.

Poetry is artifice when well-done,
Attached to one on a stupid string,
Treading on your heels,
As if singing merely to sing.
And if sadly you pick up your pace to run,
The motion-thud, thud, thud-of your heels
Engender a greater power in its stanzas
To overtake your lesser impulses.

Life goes on thinking...

None of this is parceled out
At birth; We snatch it from the hands
Of God with impunity.
Leaving remnants of our crime, saliva and
Stray bits of hair about
The scene of the fall, now mutually
A wasteland where we hold fast to what we have created
Even as it sucks the life from our lungs.

Slow cessation of everything.

I feel afraid.
This isn't what I had planned.

O Magnum Mysterium...


i really love the way you talked about that poem running away from you/ hiding. umm one thing i dont like is


Attached to one on a stupid string,

boring alliteration... umm yeah i just dont like it. i might come back later to look at this more
#11
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
I Quit.

I always appreciate your critiques but never really get back to returning them as well as you do mine, so I'm going to try to go as in depth as possible here.

or,

The Road at my Door.


Awful days and nights
Keep twisting my elbow,
Busy chasing a poem
That hides in my shadow.
Something doesn't feel right about this. I believe it's the "twisting elbow" and "busy chasing" combination, the "awful days and nights" couldn't do both at the same time, so maybe it'd be more appropriate to say "searching for" or something similar rather than "busy chasing".
It sleeps in my clothes,
Leaves its footprints wherever
I think I'd prefer "leaving" to "leaves". Also, "wherever" seems like the wrong word to use here. I'd say "everywhere" but I don't quite like that either.
I do my best to stride in silence,
and unobtrusively.
I think the "and" throws the last line off. Who does what unobtrusively? Does it leave footprints unobtrusively or do you stride in silence unobtrusively? I felt it was a little unclear. I mention this later on, but I'd like to reiterate that I feel this would flow better with a rhyme.

I know what's wrong with me.

Poetry is artifice when well-done,
Attached to one on a stupid string,
"Attached to one" what? This seemed a little unclear to me on my first read through. I love that first line though. Also, "stupid" doesn't seem to fit the tone of the poem. I believe "stupid" is implied much more effectively in the following two lines anyways.
Treading on your heels,
Here you see it's attached to "you". There seems to be a shift from first to second person here, which is fine of course, but I think it could be executed more smoothly.
As if singing merely to sing.
Not really an original image, but it's an effective line regardless.
And if sadly you pick up your pace to run,
The motion-thud, thud, thud-of your heels
Love this line. Very pleasing, rhythmically.
Engender a greater power in its stanzas
To overtake your lesser impulses.
These last two lines flowed poorly. I think it might be the lack of a rhyme in the second quatrain of each stanza, despite the rhyming in the first quatrain.

Life goes on thinking...
I'm having a little trouble seeing how the italics relate to each other, if they're supposed to relate to each other. Maybe they aren't.

None of this is parceled out
At birth; We snatch it from the hands
Of God with impunity.
Leaving remnants of our crime, saliva and
I don't really like how this flows, but it's a great four lines regardless.
Stray bits of hair about
The scene of the fall, now mutually
A wasteland where we hold fast to what we have created
Even as it sucks the life from our lungs.
Alright, the content in this stanza is excellent, but the rhythm seemed really off here. It didn't seem to work with the previous stanzas and I couldn't figure out how I should be reading it.

Slow cessation of everything.
Good.

I feel afraid.
This isn't what I had planned.

O Magnum Mysterium...
Great allusion, this is literally "great mystery" right? This gives the entire poem a different meaning in my eyes, which I'm not sure makes me more or less confused.


Great ending, great poem. I loved it. I have nothing else to add really.

PS: Do you have a DA? I'd like to add it if you do and are seriously not posting your poems here anymore -- I enjoy reading them.